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The Real Housewives of Potomac

S6 E8

We're at a point in the Real Housewives of Potomac season where it feels like these ladies have been trapped in Colonial Williamsburg for upwards of three months, and if I were a betting woman, I might wager that this is at least the sixth time we've seen Karen take down a bag of SunChips while barreling toward her hometown of Surry County to receive some sort of accolade. So we aren't exactly treading unchartered territory in tonight's episode…

But goodness, did I find myself hootin' and hollerin' throughout the hour. From Robyn drunkenly muttering to herself under a blanket after drinking too much brown liquor… to Gizelle bobbing around that pool with her Styrofoam dumbbells for 200 minutes… to Karen asking Jesus' forgiveness pre-twerk session… to Wendy responding "great question" when Robyn passive-aggressively asks if she's ignoring her… to Mia boldly claiming that Gizelle called Wendy a "weak bitch" only to turn around and be like, "I dunno, maybe she didn't say those EXACT words, but SPIRITUALLY, she definitely called you a weak bitch"… everyone in this cast had a moment tonight.

But no one had more moments than Candiace. There was Candiace swinging a tennis racket like a baseball bat, and Candiace organizing a cast-wide twerk-off, and Candiace noting that every single woman in this group has had to "drive back" to their man at some point or another, except for Ashely, whose car "is perpetually in reverse" with Michael. Which brings me to the existential crisis of this episode: it might be time to admit that Candiace is damn-near likable this season. Her new song is pretty good, she's calmly but firmly keeping the accountability-fire lit under the Green-Eyes Bandit's asses, and most importantly, Candiace has transitioned her conflict resolution tactic from asking people to drag her and then really not liking it when they do so, to the much more direct approach of threatening to put her boob in a cup if people can't just get along.

I want to continue holding this woman's many past misdeeds against her, but I think I'm finally willing to accept Candiace's clearly intentional rebrand (I'm a little less certain about the all-caps-CANDIACE rebrand). Because if our reality stars can't give us hope that we can turn anything around if we simply want it bad enough — or if Twitter simply drags us hard enough — then who can?

So, that's the upside of this episode. The downside is that we re-enter the exact moment that Wendy has just cut Gizelle to ribbons with her words, but the fight is basically done. A mountain of Chinese food arrives to soak up the liquor in everyone's stomachs, and the women eat silently until it's time for the "Cottage Crew" to retire back to their humble abode. At which point, Candiace, Mia, Gizelle, and Robyn are able to debrief about what just happened with Wendy. Robyn is — perhaps reasonably — annoyed that Wendy came for her "non-existent" relationship with Juan when she's only expressed positivity toward it before. But Robyn is also backing up Gizelle's defense that if Wendy is going to get upset every time someone comes to her with a question about her relationship, "maybe she can't handle being in this group."

Which is r-i-i-i-ich coming from these two who nearly swallowed Ashley whole a few seasons back when she suggested that there were rumors about Juan cheating on Robyn. Y'know… the exact same thing that they just did to Wendy, which Wendy did not like. Because no one in "this group" likes having their relationship questioned (except Ashely, who deals with it because, in her relationship, it's not so much a question as a full-page spread on Page Six with photos, videos, and an annotated bibliography). So, let's not act like that is a wholesome pastime of this group!

Because, of course, there is only one wholesome pastime with this group, and that's putting on their little conservative pantsuits and traveling to Surry County as Karen's plus-two to watch her receive whichever hometown accolade she's being honored with that year. This time it's Wendy and Mia traveling to Surry, but not before Wendy turns her head a complete 180-degrees to let Gizelle know that she and her "I'm ready to have a conversation when you are" can talk to the braids because the face ain't listening.

Before they part ways, the women also win a spot in Candiace's upcoming music video via some truly abysmal dancing, but most importantly, we learn that Robyn has already starred in a music video: P. Diddy's "Bad Boy for Life" video, to be exact! Now, was she just sitting still in a hot tub in said video? Sure. Is it still cool? Yes. And I wish Robyn could just let herself win like this a little more. Saying that she was once in a P. Diddy video is perhaps the diametric opposite to the scene wherein Robyn follows up getting her toes sucked by a water bottle because she won a tennis match (the most nonsensical bet since the plot of He's All That, which I took down in one sitting this weekend), with hollering that there's no way Wendy is getting invited to her wedding.

Robyn… babe. Threatening to not invite someone to a wedding that doesn't have a date is the even sillier step-cousin of "I am so glad Juan Dixon isn't here right now."

Across the James River, Karen is accepting a key to the city as part of her new role as Ambassador to Surry County — and, whatever that title means, I really do hope she can help accomplish the things we keep seeing Cousin David talk about, like more access to fresh produce, and free WiFi. Karen gives a lovely speech that honors her deceased parents while accepting her new role, and is ready to leave the stage on an elegant high…

When Ray hops up and says he'd like to take the mic. My assumption was that Ray was about to somehow re-re-propose to Karen, but instead, he awkwardly prompts her to announce to a town of people who don't have access to fresh produce that La Dame is expanding to include "candles and aromatherapy for the home." Listen, he's no Michael Darby, but I don't know how these women stand being embarrassed by their husbands like this. Especially when it means they'll now have the wrath of Wendy and her long-held passion for candles breathing down their neck. (For the record, Karen says her entrée into candles is totally different than Wendy's because her candles will have three wicks and Wendy's only have one, so it obviously wasn't worth mentioning during their mentoring session where the only agenda item was "candles.")

Finally, after using Karen's key to the city to get 7/11 Slurpees, the group comes back together for dinner on what is somehow only Night 3 in Williamsburg. Candiace, who has been imploring everyone all day to just be nice at dinner, raises a glass to friendship and forgiveness. "Booooo, your toast sucks," Wendy says in her testimonial. Wendy isn't scared of getting any attitude from Robyn and Gizelle, and it's a good thing because Robyn is sporting enough for the both of them. Before they can even break bread, Robyn asks Wendy if she's going to ignore her all night too, or if she's just ignoring Gizelle. "Great question," Wendy calmly shoots back, continuing her winning streak. Wendy says that she doesn't intend to ignore Robyn, and says that she apologizes if she said anything to offend Robyn "in the course of my conversation with Gizelle."

Robyn scoffs at that; she considers Wendy calling he relationship with Juan "nonexistent" very offensive. Wendy doesn't have a great defense of that, but she sure does throw a lot of words at the wall trying to slither away from being held accountable for it. "You're entitled to your own opinion, and I will never judge you on it," Wendy tells Robyn. "However, I still feel as though the way you have treated me this last week is fake as s---, because my girlfriends, the way we rock, that is not we do to each other." You guys, if you can believe this, Robyn thinks that Wendy is the one who's fake as s--- because she acted so happy when Juan and Robyn got engaged, but now she's calling their relationship nonexistent.

As for her comment from the night before, Wendy says in her testimonial that it obviously hurt Robyn's feelings, but how does Robyn think everyone else feels when Gizelle talks about all their families, and then Robyn defends her. And speaking of Gizelle…

Mia up and decides that it's time for Wendy to deal with the person she's actually mad at, knowing good and well that she lied not one hour ago about Gizelle calling Wendy "a weak bitch" the night before. Everyone else who was part of the conversation quickly corrects the narrative, assuring Wendy that Gizelle didn't say that, at which point Mia merely shrugs her shoulders and says she interpreted what Gizelle said as her calling Wendy a weak bitch. Mia is simply chaotic, y'all — whether she's chaotic-good or chaotic-evil has yet to be determined.

Wendy asks Mia to simmer down, turns to Gizelle and says, "I just want to be very clear: whether you apologize to me or not, I'm good — because having his last name, being in a committed relationship with him, that to me, is vindication enough." Gizelle scoffs like Wendy at Wendy being so sanctimonious, but they both agree that now is not the time to delve back into the larger issue.

And with that, we're treated to the midseason preview, at which point my life basically becomes a countdown to the Salad Toss That Launched a Thousand More Salad Tosses. See you back here next week for the beginning of the end. 

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