The Kardashians recap: Welp, here comes Kanye with Kim's sex tape in a suitcase
What do you get the estranged wife who has everything? If you answered "an old Apple computer featuring the master recording of her purloined sex tape," then you've guessed the big plot twist in this week's episode of The Kardashians.
But first, Saturday Night Live.
We're 27 hours to showtime, and Khloé and Kris have just arrived at Studio 8H to prep for their pre-taped sketch, "The Switch." As Kris is getting her makeup done, she chats with Kim about last episode's big news: Travis is going to propose to Kourtney! And apparently, Kim knew before her mother. How rude! "He came over and he asked for her hand I marriage," says Kris, tearing up. "It was so sweet… And then he said he went to your dad's grave and asked your dad. And I just lost it."
Oh man — now Kim is crying, Kris is crying, even Mario the makeup artist is crying. "I wish your dad was here to see it," says Kris through tears. "I can hardly believe that it's the first time that she's getting married." Kim's all, Totally, especially since I'm on my third divorce! (I'm paraphrasing.)
That night, the Kardashian klan and an assortment of hangers-on gather at Estiatorio Milos in midtown for a big, night-before-SNL feast. Hey, look — it's Scott Disick!
Hang in there, buddy.
As they dine on an exorbitant spread of lobster and other sea creatures, Kris regales the group with tales of her humble beginnings as a flight attendant. She and three other "stewardesses" rented a small apartment with no closet and single beds. And tomorrow, Mama Kris wants to go visit that crappy apartment for old times' sake. "Don't you want to see where your mother used to live?" she asks Khloé. "No!" shoots back her daughter, who's sick of Kris "crying over something that happened, like, back in the '80s." (Fair enough, but who among us hasn't wanted to revisit that time in our lives when the name "O.J. Simpson" was synonymous with "Hertz commercial" and not "double murderer"? But I digress.)
We also learn during this dinner that SNL asked Scott to be part of some sketch, but after talking it over with Kourtney, he declined. The proposed joke — which Scott says was something like, "Do you know the reason why I date such young girls? It's because I'm trying to add them all up so they're your age" — isn't even funny, so he probably made the right choice. Then Khloé gives a toast to an empty chair. Does she know Kim isn't there, or is she having some kind of stroke? Discuss.
At long last, it's SNL day. More importantly, it's "Let's go see Kris Jenner's s----y old apartment" day! And boy, is Khloé excited.
The youngest Kardashian daughter is just 1-800-OVER-IT when it comes to mom's official tours down memory lane. "When I go to San Diego, I've gone to her high school, I saw where she started her period," she sighs. "So, I know all the f---ing stories."
Just then, the phone rings. Kim wants all Kardashians and Kardashian-related employees to assemble in her hotel room, STAT. And guess who's waiting for them when they arrive?
That's Kanye West, in case you didn't recognize him in his "I'm traveling in coach" disguise. Apparently, he flew to New York to attend the SNL taping, and then flew back to LA to "get something for Kim." And now it's time for everyone to see the amazing "something" Kanye just brought his soon-to-be-ex-wife, which he transported in what looks like a $3,000 Gucci suitcase.
Why is Kim so excited about a clunky personal computer that looks like it's from the Y2K era? Because that giant hunk of technology holds the original recording of her infamous sex tape. "He met up with Ray J at the airport and got it all back for me," Kim announces through tears. "I know Kanye did this for me, but he also did this for my kids… I'm just, like, so emotional because of it." Interestingly enough, Kanye says he did NOT write "a big, fat, huge check" to secure the goods: "We not getting extorted ever again." Hmmm, okay. Perhaps he just won Ray J over with his charming personality?
(Wait, did Kim just call that suitcase "janky"? Maybe it's a Gucci knockoff… or perhaps she refuses to travel with any carry-ons that don't have a five-figure price tag.)
As for the new footage that Ray J's manager was threatening to leak? Kim says she watched it, and there was "nothing sexual" to be found. "It was just footage of us at a restaurant, at a nightclub," she reports. "So now I can take a deep breath and not worry about this right before SNL, right before the bar [exam]." Amen to that! Everyone in the pre-SNL prayer circle!
And all of God's children say Aaaaa-men.
With eight hours left until showtime, Kim heads to 30 Rock while Kris drags Khloé to go see her old apartment. But the mob of photographers and lookie-loos makes Khloé too anxious, so she darts back to the hotel. Fortunately, Kris always has Corey around to be her plus-one. (This woman is way too rich to be alone with her own thoughts, folks.) But lest you think Corey is not his own man, know this: Kris can make him walk around with her in Manhattan, but she cannot force him to eat a soft pretzel. That's a bridge too far.
We interrupt this recap to bring you this vignette from the Kris Jenner Archives™:
"I went to flight attendant school, and then they assigned me to New York," says Kris. "Robert and O.J. met me at the airport because they had just flown in from Montreal where they watched [Caitlyn] Jenner win the gold medal — because O.J. was doing the commentary. How about that f---ing story?"
Yikes, how about it. The producer LOVES it ("That needs to be in the cut, guys!" she declares), but did anyone else wince when Kris used Caitlyn's deadname? No? Just me? Okay, moving on.
Oh good, Kris found her old apartment. Doesn't Corey look thrilled?
Speaking of Corey, Kim's a little worried that he'll be offended by the gold digger joke about him in her SNL monologue, so she summons him to her dressing room to make sure he knows it's all in good fun. "I'm good," he assures her. "My skin is so thick, a bullet would get lost." Well, let's hope not.
Kim's SNL journey began in episode one of The Kardashians, and now — halfway through episode 3 — she's finally walking out on stage to deliver her monologue.
From there, we get a brief action montage of Kim running from sketch to wardrobe to sketch, while Khloé cheers for her sister backstage. "She's so good at this s---!" cries Khloé, who has a glass of champs in her hand and maaay be a little tipsy. "She better f---ing work, this legendary bitch! I love her so much!"
The show ends, and as well-wishers including Gayle King and La La Anthony crowd around Kim after the show, Scott stands on the sidelines, looking forlorn and forgotten.
Why do I feel so bad for this guy? Someone help me snap out of it!
If you were hoping that cameras caught Kim's meet-cute with her future boyfriend Pete Davidson… well, they probably did, but none of that footage made the cut. But we do see the moment where Kim asks Bowen Yang for a photo, and he simply can't believe it. "You're asking me?" he squeals. "This is the greatest accomplishment of my life, that you asked." Cheese!
The afterparty is lit, as the kids probably no longer say. Chris Rock, Amy Schumer, Colin Jost, professional sportsball player Blake Griffin — they're all there, and they all have high praise for Kim and her performance. "It was like comedy funny," marvels Rock, who has no idea that in five short months he'll make national headlines for being sucker-slapped by a famous lunatic on live television. Ain't life just crazy that way?
Hmmm… so SNL is over, and there are still about 20 minutes left in this Kardashians episode. How the hell are they gonna fill the time?
Oh, thank God for Khloé and the ongoing battle between her SKIMS and her lad -parts. (See: My episode 1 recap.) This time around, Khlo accidentally wore the wrong SKIMS to her Ellen show appearance — so she needs Andrew Fitzsimons, her hairstylist, to trim them with his scissors. While she is wearing them. Do we think Mr. Fitzsimons received hazard pay for performing this not-in-his-job-description task? Let's hope so.
Anyhoo, no labium were harmed in the making of this reality show.
Ellen pops her head in to say hello before Khloé tapes her segment, and it appears that even she knows that Travis is about to propose to Kourtney. (Blame it on Kris Jenner and her big mouth.) "How's Scott going to feel about this?" wonders Ellen. (See? I'm not the only one who cares about Scott's feelings!) Khloé's all, "You snooze, you lose" — and she's not wrong, but perhaps the more accurate way to put it would be, "You cheat and display other toxic behaviors for years, you lose." (Hey, I can worry about Scott's feelings and accept that he made his own bed in this situation!)
Indeed, if the first three episodes of The Kardashians were all anchored by Kim's gig at SNL, the next three are almost certainly going to focus on the Big Proposal and how it will crush Scott's (remaining) soul into the ground.
After a bit of drama over whether or not Kourtney's egg retrieval would conflict with Travis' proposal plan, the Kardashian family gets the go-ahead to drive to Santa Barbara for the big surprise. Wait, who are these two?
Okay, a few things. If it's true that each of the Kardashian-Jenners got paid the same amount for this reality show, then Kendall and Kylie are truly making out like born-rich-got-richer bandits. So far this season, Kendall has made one brief appearance, and Kylie spoke about 13 words in the premiere before disappearing again. Sure, Kendall says she had COVID when the family shot the premiere — but she needs to listen to her older sister.
Also, did Kylie truly spend more than $300k on a Rolls Royce SUV only to get pink leather interior — which is cute, sure, but it will show every scuff, every smudge, every drop of Capri Sun fruit punch that dribbles out of Stormi's mouth. I'm getting overwhelmed with anxiety just looking at it. Oh god, now they're ordering In-N-Out because Kylie is gestating a human in her womb and needs fuel for that purpose. Please don't spill… Please don't spill…
The episode ends on a true GPS cliffhanger: Will Kylie and Kendall cross paths with Kourtney and Travis on the freeway and ruin the big surprise? (That ginormous SUV — and the camera cars tracking it — are pretty hard to miss.) Tune in next week to find out! The stakes couldn't be lower!
The Kardashians is streaming now on Hulu. New episodes drop every Thursday.
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