Archie's a union man! Charles is back! And Jug is… broken?
Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter
S6 E16
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Sometimes I wonder what the residents of Riverdale would do if there wasn't a war to fight. How would they spend their days? Would their lives consist entirely of trips to the farmer's market, game nights at Cheryl's, and upbeat musical numbers? It's tough to say, but it doesn't look like that day is coming anytime soon, because right now, everyone has an enemy (and a few of them share one). Let's break down this week's Riverdale, one war at a time.

Percival vs. Archie

Percival has hired a bunch of Archie's former workers to begin construction on his railroad, which Cheryl claims will bring about his ghost train and allow him to control both the living and the dead. Seems legit. So naturally, Archie wants to stop him. How will he stop him? Tabitha's idea is to unionize the workers.

I know it doesn't sound very exciting, but that's only because it's not. Archie and Tabitha spend the episode handing out free coffee and cheap burgers and pleading with guys to unionize until finally, Cheryl finds a letter that Percival's great grandfather wrote back when his workers unionized. He says a bunch of terrible things, saying mules are more valuable than his men, and apparently, the fact that Percival is even related to this guy is ammunition enough for the workers to go on strike. I'm not exactly sure how Percival's great grandfather's words did him in more than, I don't know, that one guy who lost his foot, but sure! Whatever works!

The episode ends with an Archie-Percival showdown, in which Percival proves he hasn't done his research because he tells Archie, "You haven't seen any real fighting yet, but you will." SIR HE FOUGHT A BEAR.

KJ Apa on 'Riverdale'
| Credit: Jack Rowand/The CW

Betty vs. Betty ... I think?

Betty gets a phone call from Alice informing her that Charles is home because he's dying and the prison infirmary is full. Listen, I've seen Grey's Anatomy, this man would be handcuffed to a hospital bed, not sleeping in Betty's childhood bedroom!

Regardless, he's here, and Alice begs Betty to spend some time with him. So she does. She asks him all about his inner darkness in order to learn more about herself. Until finally, she has to stop Alice from smothering him with a pillow. Alice says it's what Charles wants, to be out of pain, but Betty reminds her, "There has been enough murder in this house!" Although, it has been a few years, so if people are going to keep calling it the murder house, they might need to step up their game.

Instead, Betty comes up with a plan to save him, which is where Veronica comes into play. Her new powers filter toxins out of her body, and Betty decides that the thing that's killing Charles isn't an actual illness but rather his own darkness. So maybe Veronica can filter it out? And I guess it's a good thing they're not at an actual hospital?

Veronica, who's spent the episode trying to make selling absinthe her new business, then detoxifies (and cures!) Charles. So does he go back to prison now? That's unclear, but for now, he's thanking Betty by giving her an idea of how to catch TBK and it has everything to do with throwing a fan convention for serial killer lovers at Veronica's casino.

Toni and Fangs vs. Kevin

Yes, this is still happening. Toni and Fangs spend half the episode trying to convince their lawyer that the Serpents are going to change, until Kevin pulls a sneaky move and steals one of baby Anthony's pacifiers for a DNA test. Toni then grabs her Serpent jacket and her brass knuckles, and she gets that pacifier back! She then informs Fangs that the Serpents aren't going to change. It's back to the old ways! And that means inducting baby Anthony, a newborn, into a gang! Because if that won't prove they're good parents, nothing will!

Fangs, super turned on by this news, accepts Toni's marriage proposal. As for Kevin, Percival — doing his best Maury Povich impersonation — informs him that he's not baby Anthony's father.

Cheryl vs. Percival

Thanks to some help from Heather, Cheryl discovers an old feud between the Blossom and Pickens families. It seems Percival is in possession of an important text, and in order to steal it back, Cheryl learns a spell to become invisible. To her surprise, it doesn't involve a cloak, but it does involve holding your breath.

She successfully steals the book, delivers the aforementioned ammunition of Percival's great grandfather's letter to Archie, and then admits to wanting Heather to stay. The good news? Heather wants to stay too.

Jughead vs. (you guessed it!) Percival

Percival spends the episode trying to get inside Jughead's head, and when his initial plan fails, he asks Reggie about a talisman. Reggie digs up the time capsule and delivers Jughead's old Serpent jacket, his beanie, and a handful of articles he wrote. Percival is then able to mess with Jughead's mind so that he can no longer control what he hears. Instead, everyone's thoughts are constantly flooding his mind.

Jughead retreats to the bunker to try to get a hold on things, and that's where he starts hearing things that happened in ... Rivervale?! I suppose because that Jughead is forever sitting in the bunker, writing? Somehow, I feel like things are about to get even weirder.

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Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter
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