With breath bated and loins girded, let's tune into this week's episode of Killing Eve, which opens… in a hospital?! Oh my God, OH MY GOD. Because if it's a hospital — and it is a hospital! — then that can only mean one thing: against all odds, and despite appearances, Niko Polastri is still alive.
Alas, friends, this is the start and end of this episode's good news. Dascha stuck a fork in Niko, and he's done: not with life, but with Eve. Since his injuries have left him literally speechless, his parting words to her are delivered in the robot deadpan of a speak'n'spell:
PISS OFF FOREVER.
Of course, Eve isn't about to just stop investigating the attack on her husband, soon-to-be-ex or not. And despite the j'accuse this was obviously meant to provoke — Villanelle, in the barn, with the pitchfork — Eve isn't persuaded. Apart from the fact that Niko survived, which is the one thing Villanelle's victims never do, there's also the matter of Charles Kruger's wife, strangled to death with a garden hose. Eve knows Villanelle's work when she sees it, and now, she also knows that it was Dascha who did the '70s-era murder that Villanelle remixed in Spain.
Carolyn warns Eve to be careful; Dascha is a merciless killer who was exiled from the KGB for murdering a fellow agent, not someone to trifle with. But Eve is determined to have it out with Niko's attacker. There will be blood! Or at least, there will be bowling (which, as we all know, is often followed by blood.) Eve confronts Dasha, who is clearly rattled by the news that she didn't actually manage to kill Niko — since, as Bear noted, "If she still had it, he'd be dead and not just pitchforked." She insists that Eve isn't winning, that she could kill her anytime. Suuure, Dasha. If you say so.
Meanwhile, Villanelle is summoned to a meeting with Elena. At first, it seems like good news: Villanelle has been officially promoted to "keeper." But when she gets her next assignment, it's the same as it ever was; Villanelle is just a killer-for-hire with a fancier title and better pay. Elena doesn't understand why Villanelle is so upset — doesn't she have everything she asked for? — and Villanelle herself can't seem to articulate the obvious: what she wants is to stop murdering people. Anyway, having realized that working for the Twelve is a dead-end job in every sense of the word, Villanelle goes back to Konstantin and tells him she wants out. She knows he's planning to run, and she wants to go with him. There's just one teeny-tiny problem: Konstantin already has a traveling companion, and she's sick of sharing her dad with his psychotic pseudo-daughter. Even after Irina accidentally reveals to Villanelle that they plan to flee for Cuba (and sidenote, was that a real revelation, or some savvy manipulation on Irina's part?), it's hard to imagine these three setting up house together without someone ending up dead.
Anyway, back in London, Carolyn finds out two disturbing facts. One, Kenny made calls to a Russian number shortly before his death. And two, this information was sent to her desk a week ago, but mysteriously never arrived — and by "mysteriously," I mean "it was obviously Paul." We know this, Carolyn knows this, and Paul doesn't even deny it so much as shrug it off, like, Of course I'm an untrustworthy bastard, isn't that why I'm here?
Carolyn is less concerned about Paul than about that Russian phone number. It belongs to Konstantin, whom she effectively terrorizes into telling her the truth: before Kenny died, he called Konstantin and asked if he was his father. It's an awkward question made worse by Konstantin's answer: "I don't know." (Sidenote: At this point, the Killing Eve Konstantin baby-daddy theories have grown so all-encompassing that we should probably just assume until explicitly told otherwise that Konstantin fathered every character on this show, including himself.)
From here, the double-triple-quadruple agent drama gets so convoluted that even your recapper is having trouble keeping it straight. But here, as best as I can tell, are the most salient points:
Konstantin has been in London all this time because he's secretly working for Paul. (Unclear: If Paul is working on behalf of MI6, or The Twelve, or MI6 and The Twelve, or someone else entirely.)
Paul is chasing the missing money from the Swiss account, and thinks that Charles Kruger's wife was murdered because she had something to do with it. He tells Konstantin to find out who ordered her death.
Konstantin obviously isn't about to tell Paul that he had Kruger's wife killed.
Konstantin's fleeing-the-country status has just gone from "soon" to "immediately."
Meanwhile, Villanelle dutifully departs for Romania to complete her next assignment (having agreed that she'll act "normal" until it's time to leave with Konstantin.) But her heart just isn't in it, and the murder is a mess: she fries her target's brain using a styling heater, but he manages to stab her with a pair of scissors before he dies. By the time Dasha finds her, pathetically trying to stitch herself up, she's in tears — and ready to say what she couldn't before: "I don't want to do this anymore."
Unfortunately, she may not have a choice. Because while Villanelle is bleeding on a hotel bathroom floor in Romania, Konstantin is packing up and skipping town with his actual daughter. Strategically, this seems like the right move. She's a blood relative; she's not insane; she doesn't have a penchant for killing peopl— NEVERMIND.
As Konstantin watches from the shadows, Irina starts the car. And as a parting flourish, just for funzies, she casually runs over her mom's new boyfriend on her way to freedom. Konstantin stares in horror. Irina grins behind the windshield. And just like that, there's a new killer lady in town.