By Lynette Rice
September 22, 2020 at 10:31 PM EDT
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Oh look, Carole Baskin is talking to herself! Seems about right, given what we learned about that hot mess of a woman this summer on Netflix. But wait, so is A.J. McLean! Guess it’s actually an opportunity for host Tyra Banks to pull an old chestnut from her days on America’s Next Top Model. She wants to teach the celebs how to “smize!” It doesn’t go well. Cut to the ballroom, please.

Welcome to week 2 of Dancing With the Stars! Let’s eliminate someone from the empty ballroom while giving the judges all of .003 seconds to comment, shall we?

Carole Baskin and Pasha Pashkov: Wow, it took all of two weeks to have the “animal activist” dance to the Tom Jones classic, “What’s New Pussycat?” But first, a come-to-Jesus moment between Baskin and her pro. What’s it like being Public Enemy No. 1? “All the negative media attention that came out of Tiger King… my family was struggling to the point where my daughter doesn’t read hardly any of the news anymore,” she said. “I see what the media can do to you ... I don’t know how to make it better. I hope Dancing With the Stars makes it good for my daughter. She can tell her friends, 'This is who my momma is. She doesn’t really dance, but she can learn to dance.'" "That was a big improvement from last week. This dance suits you," said judge Derek Hough. Score 27 out of 60

Charles Oakley and Emma Slater: Props to any pro who is paired with the tallest man on the planet. This year, it’s Emma’s turn, but she sure can bring out the best from that beauteous baller. “Your timing is better, your jacket is fire. Huge improvement from last week,” said Hough. Score after two weeks 27 out of 60

Chrishell Stause and Gleb Savchenko: Selling Sunset has got to be loving this cross-promotion; she shot her pre-dance video from the gazillion-dollar house she’s currently selling! But don’t let the fancy surroundings fool you; Stause actually grew up poor while wearing smelly clothes. No tears before the rumba, please! “Your dancing was much more confident, more passionate, because you had a reason to dance,” said Hough. “Now I’m seeing the bombshell emerging, and I’m impressed!” added Bruno Tonioli. Score: 31 out of 60

Nelly and Daniella Karagach: I love watching the rapper from St. Louis, and not because he rocks a pair of 5 carats on each lobe. And check out his fine selection of kicks (shout out to the Shoe Surgeon, I guess?) “Your timing is particularly good tonight! And you do have a fantastic musicality,” said Tonioli. “You have to work your spot a little bit and drop your shoulders a bit, but you are the easiest to watch,” added Carrie Ann Inaba. Score 34 out of 60

Monica Aldama and Val Chmerkovskiy: Our second favorite Ukrainian pro dancer shared a good tip about jiving and how you should pretend to want to kick toilet paper off your shoe. It seemed to work for the cheerleading coach. Too bad the judges didn’t get a kick out of her half-jump. “I think your cheerleading quality really helped you on this, you know how to project joy and happiness,” said Tonioli. “I love the swinging ‘60s feel you put into it.” Score: 35 out of 60

Vernon Davis and Peta Murgatroyd: The footballer achieved everything he wanted to achieve on the gridiron. Now he wants to be a champion in the ballroom! Performing the Paso doble — and having a partner like Peta — can help to attain that goal. But first, don’t get ahead of the music, big guy! “I love the power, the determination, the strength. You really want to do it,” Tonioli said. “I love that you corrected yourself in the middle of it,” added Inaba. “I want to see more of that.” Score 35 out of 60

Skai Jackson and Alan Bersten: The actress/model didn’t recover from the moment her leg got caught around her partner’s neck during her rather ho-hum samba. “Oh baby, my love, listen, things happen. It’s live. All performances have moments that don’t go that way but I still believe in you!” said Tonioli. Then Hough followed up by calling her “honey” so I left to get a Diet Coke. Score: 36 out of 60

Jeannie Mai and Brandon Armstrong: Technical difficulties with the recorded “crowd sounds” threatened to overshadow her cha cha, but The Real host didn’t give her momma any reason to deport her back to Vietnam. “I want to say momma Mai has to go easy on you,” said Inaba. “You go for it!” “I like your energy, I like your charisma.” Score 36 out of 60

I’d like to interrupt this recap for the following plea: I actually miss the celebra-quarium when we saw the dancers razz each other while Erin Andrews asked her silly questions. These time-filling Q&As in the ballroom as we wait for those scores are awwkkkwwward.

Johnny Weir and Britt Stewart: The skater boy almost peed his pants when he learned he was about to tango to “Poker Face” from Lady Gaga. His costume didn’t disappoint, but his timing sure did. “Your upper body is working it but your footwork … it doesn’t feel like you have quite found the floor,” Inaba said. Score: 36 out of 60

Anne Heche and Keo Motsepe: DWTS brought out the pyrotechnics for the star from Volcano. But then her foxtrot deserved some sparks! And she sure loves her Keo. “Actually I really enjoyed it,” said Hough. “I’m totally swept away. There was so much foxtrot there, no messing around,” Tonioli said. Score: 36 out of 60

 AJ McLean and Cheryl Burke: The Backstreet Boy dedicated his foxtrot to his wife of 10 years — and literally jumped for joy at the end. “I love it! Way to go! This week the nerves are gone, you were smooth as silk out there,” said judge Carrie Ann Inaba. “You are such a showman, so much joy coming off of you,” added Hough. Score 37 out of 60

Jesse Metcalfe and Sharna Burgess: Did the Desperate Housewives alum fall for his partner while practicing the foxtrot? Metcalfe talked a lot about his great chemistry with the Australian beauty, and we certainly can’t blame him. “Oh mister dreamy does it again,” said Tonioli. “I thought it was smooth. I was really impressed with the way you opened your back,” added Inaba. Score 38 out of 60

Nev Schulman and Jenna Johnson: Catfish man got the plum spot at the start of the show by cha-cha’ing the heck out of his mustard pants and sleeveless silk top. Whoda thunk the judges would pay as much attention to his mad skills as they did his furry pecs? “By the beard of Zeus that is a lot of chest hair!” exclaimed judge Derek Hough. “I am startled, a bit of manscaping would do,” added Bruno Tonioli. Fur shame! Score: 41 out of 60

Justina Machado and Sasha Farber: Did you see that arm twisty-thingie at the top of the number? Girlfriend looks like she’s having such a swell time foxtrotting under that shower of pink petals. “Oh my goodness you are such a natural, beautiful dancer! It just feels like it comes from you,” said Hough. “You make me happy. There is such an honest quality about you,” added Tonioli. Score: 42 out of 60

Kaitlyn Bristowe and Artem Chigvintsev: Viewers were warned early that the Bachelorette may not make it out to the ballroom because she hurt her ankle during rehearsals. But a miracle occurred. (Or maybe she just got a generous smear of Tiger Balm on her injury, courtesy of Carole Baskin). “I will dance through anything!” she declared. She did, too. What a foxtrot! “Wow, if that’s how you dance with an injured foot I’d like to see how you dance without it,” said Inaba. “I love to see you reclaiming the dancer from within,” added Hough. Score 42 out of 60

And the first eliminated dancer is…Charles Oakley. 

Inaba saved Baskin, Tonioli saved Oakley, so Hough was forced to break the tie. He saved the woman who will probably help with ratings: Baskin. Sorry, Charles!

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