The contestants turn their mob anger on a scheming couple who are definitely not in Paradise for the Right Reasons™ — and no, we don't mean Brendan and Pieper.
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This week, a "tight-ass party" thrown by new guest host Tituss Burgess leads to the tragic breakup of a day-old relationship — and the expulsion of two barely recognizable contestants from the paradise that is Paradise.

Let's recap!

It's a beautiful morning in Mexico, and Kendall is teaching her roommates about bird sex.

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Kendall on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

The more you know, kids! Here's the current couple roster as we head into today's insanity: Noah and Abigail; Becca and Aaron; Jessenia and Chris C.; Maurissa and Riley; Serena and Joe; Tammy and Thomas; and the Monsieur and Madame Thénardier of Sayulita, Brendan and Pieper.

"I want to prolong the wrath as long as possible," mumbles Brendan to Pieper as they giggle over a bowl of blueberries. Another man who's got a tsunami of wrath headed his way is Kenny. He's in a "giant love square" (Ivan's words) with Mari, Demi, and Tia. Sidenote: If Demi is going to keep asking Kenny to go to the Boom Boom Room, could the Paradise caption writers PLEASE settle on a style for said room?

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'Bachelor in Paradise' captions
| Credit: ABC

Is it "boom-boom room" or "Boom Boom Room"? I'm an editor, rose lovers — these things bug me.

Anyway, Kenny doesn't take Demi up on her (somewhat desperate-sounding) offer, because he's still mulling over his conversation with Mari from the night before. She misses him! She still wants to be with him! And so on. Well, perhaps this guy can help:

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Tituss Burgess on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

"I took the 405, hopped on my jet ski, and I'm here!" he announces. "Your rainbow after the storm!" The six-time Emmy nominee goes on to tell the group that he's going to throw a "tight-ass party" filled with VIPs and some new arrivals. But here's the catch: Not everyone gets to go. The "VIP" list is as follows: Becca, Aaron, Noah, Abigail, Kenny, Jessenia, Chris C., Riley, Deandra, James, Thomas, and Demi. Sorry Mari, Maurissa, Tammy, Kendall, Joe, Serena, Ivan, and Natasha! (Not sorry, Brendan and Pieper. You guys suck.)

Naturally, the women left behind — especially Maurissa, Mari, and Tammy — are stressed out about their men having a night out on the town without them. "This party definitely gives Demi a leg up," says Mari with a sigh. "My hope, selfishly, is that he ends things with her tonight." Tammy pulls Thomas aside and tells him to have fun at the shindig. That said, "I want you to choose to come back to me — not feel like you have an obligation to come back to me." Hey, that's actually decently reasoned and mature! Nice work, Tammy.

With that, the gang is off to the nearby Iberostar resort, where the Bachelor Interns have really gone all out decorating an empty nightclub.

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Demi busts a move on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Did I say "gone all out"? I meant "rented a light-up dance floor and threw some paper lanterns on the floor." The Paradisians dance for a bit, and then Tituss comes in to drop the bomb we all knew was coming: The new arrivals are here, and if any of them "make a connection" with the current contestants, they'll get to join the show! Please welcome… uh… sorry, who are these people? [Frantically types names into Google]

Okay, got it. Please welcome (clockwise from top left):

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Chelsea, Alana, Alayah, Mykenna on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Chelsea (model, Matt's season); Alana (allegedly Matt's season); Alayah (the one who left and came back with Bachelor gossip, Peter's season); and Mykenna (girl who made a lot of funny faces, Peter's season).

"I was hoping four guys were coming in," says Becca glumly. Jessenia is very annoyed to see Alana specifically, because apparently there's some history between her and Chris C. "She kind of threw herself at him in San Diego," reports Jessenia, "which wasn't a good look, I feel." Don't worry, honey — it's not as though Chris is going to blow you off immediately to go talk to Alana. Oh, crap…

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Chris C. bails on Jessenia for Alana on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Ooof. Indeed, Chris C. makes a Road Runner beeline for Alana, and they head outside to chat-flirt on the couch. When he expresses a little trepidation about how Jessenia must be feeling ("she's been so sweet to me over the past couple days"), Alana shuts it down and tells him to focus on her. And that's just what he does, rose lovers!

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Chris C. and Alana make out on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Quick! Find a producer and have her send Jessenia out into the hall while this make-out sesh is still happening!

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Jessenia gets an eyeful on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Say it with me, folks: The devil works hard, but Bachelor in Paradise producers work harder. Within minutes, Jessenia is weeping in Abigail's arms. "Why did I come here?" she whimpers. Oh, oh, I know! I know! Because you wanted to be on TV. Simple as that.

Once he's done mashing faces with Alana, Chris starts the painful process of ending his "relationship" with Jessenia. "You're such a sweetheart," he says. "Both of you guys were on my list, and obviously you were my number one. And I didn't, like… I didn't think I'd have feelings with her walking in at all… I don't know right now." When Alana tries to interrupt, Jessenia throws a penalty flag. "We're talking!" she snaps. "We're in the middle of a conversation."

I'm sorry, are these two women actually fighting over [checks notes] Chris C.? The man has displayed exactly zero charisma or personality or interest in anything other than camera time. It truly seems like he'd rather hang out with his "smoke bro" Chasen than any of the "ladies" here… and yet now he's a hot commodity in Paradise. "It's not like I don't like you," Chris C. continues, trying to extricate himself from Jessenia's clutches. "You're an amazing girl." Clearly, she's not buying it.

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Jessenia on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

And to think, she could have had Ivan.

What's that, Tituss? It's time for "acclaimed singer-actress Olivia Holt" to perform her single "Next"? Sure, whatever. (That said, you should check out season 1 of Cruel Summer on Hulu — it's excellent fun.)

The Paradisians dance politely, all the while marveling at the grotesque display of PDA happening between Chris C. and Alana. "I turn around, Chris is mouth to mouth, tongue deep with Alana!" says Riley, shuddering. "I mean, that's just one of the most disgusting, dishonorable things that you can do to somebody." Very true! And Jessennia is not going to hang around to watch it any longer. She stalks out of the club and heads back to the beach, where the other women rush to console her.

"I don't want to be here anymore," moans Jessenia through her tears. And guess what: Those tears are contagious! Pretty soon, Maurissa is sobbing on the beach because she's worried that she'll lose Riley the way Jessenia lost the man she knew for one day her boyfriend, Chris C.! At least Maurissa knows she's being a little ridiculous. "Who cries about somebody like this that they met five days ago?" People on Paradise, that's who.

The next morning, Mari tries to get ahead of what disaster may await her with Kenny by sitting him down and stating her case yet again. "I really like you," she says. "I care about you, and I want to be with you." He's understandably cautious, saying he's concerned that Mari is only "all about" their relationship when it's his turn to hand out a rose. She accepts his hesitation and assures him that her previous flip-flop was due to being scared — but now she feels "100 percent" with him. And you know what? Kenny feels the same way. "The feelings for you from the beginning for whatever reason were pretty strong," he admits. "I'm not sure I've ever felt this kind of feeling before, to be honest with you." Awwww… are these two back together?

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Mari and Kenny reunite on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Looks like a "yes" to me. Somebody shoot a tranquilizer dart into Demi's haunch because she's about to get dumped. And she knows it. "I feel like I just, like, had a one-night stand that, like, doesn't want anything to do with me," she says sadly. "I just want a definitive answer from him." But when they sit down to talk it through, Demi just starts hurling insults in Mari's direction and he's not able to get a word in edgewise. (Based on what we're shown, of course.)

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Demi on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Sorry, Demi, if you want to prove that you're "playful" and "fun" and "nice," calling your rival a "stuck-up as f---," "evil" "pageant girl" is probably not the best way to go about it. "You literally, like, had sex with me and then it's like, 'Oh, I still want this [other] girl,'" fumes Demi through her tears. "I don't get it. I'm such a fun person… I deserve way better than this."  

Meanwhile, Chris C. is wandering around the beach, tormented by the monumental choice he must make: Jessenia or Alana? Just kidding — he's stressed about how he's going to come back from the extremely accurate villain edit he got last night. "He's moping around as if he actually cared about what he did to Jessenia," scoffs Riley. "The man is a clown… He has no honor." Honor? In Paradise? That's a good one. Speaking of clowns, please welcome…

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Alana arrives on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

"I'm here to be selfish and put myself first," Alana announces. She grabs the date card and heads into the lion's den. Jessenia greets her with a warm death glare.

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'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Alana asks Chris C. on the date, and of course he says yes. Having sealed his fate, Chris addresses the group: "We're going on a date today," he says. "I know it's gonna upset a lot of you guys, but I'm following my heart right now and that's what I came here to do." The speech goes over about as well as you'd expect. "Dude, nobody cares," says Joe. "Nobody is really gonna hate you because nobody cares about you." Even Becca starts making fun of him.

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Credit: ABC

Before he can leave with Alana, though, producers shove Chris in Jessenia's direction so he can officially dump her. To her credit, Jessenia refuses to move and makes Chris humiliate himself in front of Mari and Abigail. "You showed me basically who you are," she sniffs, "so I don't have anything to talk to you about."

Okay, then! He and Alana head off on their adventure, while everyone else grumbles about how the two of them must have planned the whole thing. (You know who else planned the whole thing? Brendan and Pieper! Why isn't everybody running those two out of Paradise on a rail?) Joe tells Jessenia that Chris was asking him advice about how to come across as likable on the show "because he thinks, 'This is how you do Paradise.'" (You know who else only cares about looking good on the show? Brendan and Pieper!!) "The messed-up part about all this," Joe continues, "is that he right now in his head, he's really proud of himself. And he really hurt somebody." (You know who else really hurt somebody? BRENDAN AND PIEPER!)

I refuse to recap Chris and Alana's zipline date. (Though their inability to choreograph their own make-out session was priceless.) At least their lunch didn't go to waste.

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Stray dogs ftw on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Back on the beach, Joe and Jessenia are getting even more worked up about how "wrong" Chris and Alana's actions were. "Can we vote them off the island?" wonders Jessenia. "Something really does need to be done," agrees Joe. "They should just leave." Once more for the people in the back: WHY IS NO ONE AGITATING TO SEND BRENDAN AND PIEPER HOME, WHEN THEY DID THE EXACT SAME THING? (By the way, are Brendan and Pieper still here? Haven't seen them much at all this episode.)

Oh great, more arrivals.

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Chelsea on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

What's that? She wants to go on a date with Aaron, even though Becca was hoping to get to know Aaron better? Cool, whatever. At least Becca isn't too stressed about it.  

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Becca's spending more time with Joe on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

"You guys, it's been so fun — take care!" she jokes.

Chelsea and Aaron go horseback riding and have a picnic on the beach. They also smooch, of course. Back at HQ, Becca is grappling with the fact that she's powerless in Paradise, which is quite a change after being the Bachelorette. "I've never not received a rose!" she says with a wry laugh.

No worries, honey — producers aren't going to make a big deal about you being the FIRST BACHELORETTE EVER to grace Paradise only to have you go home the next week. That night, Tia walks in with a date card, and guess who it's addressed to? (Becca, of course. That was kind of a rhetorical question.) Even though it's past her bedtime and most of the men around are taken, Becca is a good soldier. She had a nice conversation with Thomas at the "tight-ass party," and now she's going to ask him on a date. But first, Becca is going to do the right thing: Tell Tammy she's after her man.

"I feel like we hit it off, and I'm just interested to see where it goes," she says. Though Tammy is disappointed, her response is very zen. "At the end of the day, if he picks me after going out with you, then I'll know for sure," she says. "But if not, who am I to stand in the way of a connection?" Tammy manages to hold it together until Becca and Thomas leave, and then it's time for tears.

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Tammy on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Sorry, hon. That's the way the Paradise cookie crumbles. Maurissa doesn't have much sympathy, though. "Tammy did it to herself," she says. "Aaron was all in for Tammy, but then in comes Mr. Thomas. It's like a shiny penny over here, and you've got a really good quarter right here, but it's a little rusty… And Tammy was like, 'Oooh! Shiny penny!'" She's not wrong, rose lovers.

James (remember him?) thinks poor Becca is about to be played by the ultimate "wants to be the Bachelor" player. "I think that Thomas has found the perfect victim," he warns. Perhaps. But it looks like Becca's having a great time.

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Thomas and Becca going at it on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

Is it me, or did the mariachi band that crashed their date seem EXTRA loud?

As the night wears on, Jessenia and Co. continue their plan to rip Chris a new one when he returns from his date with Alana. "He used me to get a rose," Jessenia complains. "And along the way, they were willing to hurt my feelings!" Natasha, who is standing by the bar, overhears the whole thing. "Triggering," she quips. "Sounds very familiar." JUSTICE FOR NATASHA, DAMMIT!

Joe, who has appointed himself Chief Magistrate of Paradise, summons Chris as soon as he walks in. He accuses Chris and Alana of planning their whole Paradise escapade, but Chris just deflects. "I was putting everything I could into [my relationship with Jessenia] and hoping that it would, like, click in my head…" Joe calls bulls--- on that answer. "We've gotta start again because that really made no sense," he says. Did I mention that this "trial" is happening at a tiny cocktail table with Jessenia, Riley, and Maurissa as firsthand witnesses?

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'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

And now Riley's getting involved. "I thought you were the strongest couple in the house," he says, "until I turned around and your tongue was down another woman's throat right in front of her."

Emboldened by the support, Jessenia takes a few shots, too. "You lied to me multiple times!" she huffs. "So don't sit here and try to ask for a pity party." Cornered, Chris insists that he and Alana were not in a relationship before coming to Paradise. "I was trying to find that spark," he says weakly, but Riley cuts him off. "I know the spark you were looking for, bro, and it was the clout," he shoots back. "You were itching for the clout… It's all right, but it's f---ed up the way you did it."

Suddenly, a whiny voice comes from the bar. "Does anyone want to know what I think?" asks Alana. We'll let Jessenia answer that question.

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Jessenia on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

All rightie, then! Alana chooses to remove herself from the situation, and Jessenia thinks Chris should do the same. "Follow your heart and get the f--- out of Paradise!" she snaps. "It's time for you to pack your s---," adds Riley. Deflated and humiliated, Chris sad-sacks his way up the stairs, where he sits down with his fellow sad sack, Alana.

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Chris and Alana on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

"They don't understand that I legitimately, like, felt fireworks with you," says Chris, sighing. "No matter what I say or what I do, they're not gonna believe it." Correct. It's time to go, pal.

Chris is hoping Alana will go with him, but she's distressed. "I literally got here, like, 24 hours ago!" she wails. "This is ridiculous!" She's not ready to be in a "committed relationship" with this jabroni after "dating" him for one day — but on the other hand, she doesn't want to stay on a beach where everyone hates her. It's a dilemma for sure.

Chris goes to pack his belongings, and eventually, Alana makes her way to the Reject SUV. (I suppose she's hoping the Bachelor Interns will pack up her stuff for her?) When Chris tries to get in the back with Alana, she puts a stop to it: "Chris. This is my car." Ooof, she won't even share a car with you to the airport — that's gotta hurt.

At the bar, all of the Paradisians celebrate Chris and Alana's unceremonious exit — all but one, that is. "I feel the same way Jessenia feels, yet it's cool if Brendan gets to explore his already established connection with Pieper," says a baffled Natasha. "You guys feel this strongly about Chris, but you don't feel as strongly about my situation."

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Natasha on 'Bachelor in Paradise'
| Credit: ABC

EXACTLY! I'll say it again: JUSTICE FOR NATASHA! "It's pretty bizarre that nobody is calling out Brendan, but everyone called out Chris," notes Demi. "Because Brendan's honestly being worse than Chris. He needs to give us some answers."

Again, I say, EXACTLY! And it looks like Brendan will have to take the proverbial hot seat… next week, because this episode is over. But before you go, rose lovers, a few questions: Why do you think people are just letting Brendan and Natasha slide? Should Becca be wary of Thomas? And am I the only one who googled "Kendall Long wikifeet" after the end credits? Post your thoughts below!

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Bachelor in Paradise

The Bachelor goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.

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