The Week in 'Wives: RHOP in love, RHONY in contact, RHOBH in deep
Gather 'round the incense and take a deep breath, Bravoholics, because this week served some turning points across the board. First up, The Real Housewives of Potomac's season is getting off to a running start, with existing tensions (Karen v. Gizelle) and new ones (Wendy v. Mia) picking up. Next, The Real Housewives of New York City continued their trip to Salem, where Sonja broke some glass and then broke through to her traumatized younger self. Finally, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fixed its spotlight on the plight of Erika Jayne, who had to vacate her clubhouse before joining the ladies in La Quinta, where she told quite the tale. Here are the best, worst, and wildest moments from this week in 'wives!
HIGH POINT: Hello from the other side, RHONY
I'm sure there are skeptics who were immediately convinced that the RHONY producers fed some key biographical information about their cast to Marion the psychic medium before the ladies had their séance, but I am a true believer in all things mystical and magical and witchy and woo-woo, so I was all in from the moment that the table shook and Sonja nodded knowledgeably and confirmed for the room that "that does happen." Luann and Bershan's readings were not too compelling, but things started to intensify when both Leah and Eboni's recently passed grandmothers joined the chat. Did I tear up when Eboni thanked Marion for the "affirming" message? Obviously, I did. The real revelations of the night, however, belonged to Sonja and Ramona, whose father and brother, respectively, communicated through Marion, revealing new information about the ladies' histories and hinting at the unknown depth of their traumas. It was heavy but cathartic. Our two blondes sobbed, Ramona even as she spoke over Marion every chance she got, and it felt like a true breakthrough moment — or like it had the potential to be one, anyway. Stay tuned.
LOW POINT: It's about Tom, RHOBH
It turns out the Ice Queen can not only survive in the desert but thrive there: Erika showed up to La Quinta and gave a performance for the ages, mere hours after Tom's assets had been frozen and his legal team introduced the defense that he is suffering cognitive decline. Over lasagna, Erika filled the ladies in on the details of some old stories, hinting at how many secrets she'd been keeping over the years. The first was about when Tom had a car accident and sprained his ankle; she mapped out with her bloodred, French-tipped fingers exactly the way the car drove up (or down?) the road behind their house, then I suppose flew off a cliff, at the bottom of which Erika found Tom after 12 hours, except actually he called her from there, but don't worry about that, because are you ready for this? Erika had just assumed he was with another woman, because it turns out there were tons of them, and he didn't even deny it!
My question here is not who were the women, or how did she react, or can she demonstrate the path of the car one more time, but honestly, just why is this relevant? She's certainly sharing it on purpose. She is too tidily weaving together evidence that he was mentally deteriorating and that she was a victim of his cruelty, and her absolutely bone-chilling delivery just cannot be read as spontaneous. This is the story she chose, strategically, to tell on TV, but it's not really what anybody is thinking about — and maybe that's why she's telling it. Listen, I have no doubt Tom was a perfectly vile husband. But he was allegedly even worse in other areas of his life, and Erika "XXpen$ive" Jayne benefited from it. What about the victims of that?
WILDEST MOMENT: The Real Sex Lives of Potomac, RHOP
Our Maryland 'wives have always been pretty open about sex, but this week they seemed more anxious to talk about it than ever. This trend took a disturbing turn early in the episode, when Ashley told her mother that even though she's eight months pregnant and constantly physically uncomfortable, "Michael has desires, so I gotta do what I gotta do. God gave me more than one hole." As if that weren't nightmarish enough, Ashley elaborated in her confessional, and then her mother approved the whole initiative as an effort to keep Michael faithful, as if that's Ashley's job and not Michael's own. But anyway! The episode continued with Karen's "love party," which was just a normal brunch where everyone played the Newlywed Game, so don't get excited. Both husbands and wives shared the weirdest place they'd had sex, their favorite position (where in the word "missionary" did Mia think there was a T?), and a whole series of other awkward truths. The wildest moment of the whole thing, however, was the revelation that of all of Karen's girlfriends, the one that appeals to Ray most is in fact… Katie Rost. Bravo, how many times must we beg you to bring her back?!
👑 QUEEN OF THE WEEK 👑 Sonja, RHONY
MOVIE NIGHT: Like Ramona, all of the RHOP ladies apparently need to see Breakfast at Tiffany's, because none of them has any clue what Sing Sing is. This includes Karen, who brought it up in the first place but admitted this week: "The Sing Sing thing was a stretch. I just thought it went well with 'hot box.' Didn't it sound good?" It did, I'll give her that.
REVISIONIST HISTORY: Luann informed us not once but twice on RHONY this week that she got arrested for much less than what Sonja was doing in Salem, in fact elaborating that she did nothing more than get drunk in her own hotel room, which I'd just like to reiterate is not as bad as Sonja breaking emergency glass! If only the internet didn't exist!
THE BAR IS ON THE FLOOR: So Michael Darby is Prince Charming now because he started answering Ashley's calls on the first ring? (RHOP)
INTRODUCING THE NEW MUSICAL SENSATION: Kathy Hilton, playing a stale baguette! (RHOBH)