The best, worst, and wildest moments from this week on The Real Housewives.
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Mercury retrograde must have come at least a week early for me this round, because something went horribly wrong and last week I was under the impression that Peacock had scheduled a break for The Real Housewives of Miami when in actuality the streamer dropped a perfectly extraordinary episode of Floridian melodrama. I sincerely apologize and hereby name Alexia queen of the whole month.

This week's RHOM didn't quite match the levels of last week's — not that my heart could even take it if it did — but it did see the ladies have a sleepover in a penthouse, the single night of which would cost me almost two years of rent. Plus, Lisa bought them all matching feathered pajamas!

Speaking of feathers, following her outrageous style moment in last week's Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Meredith threw her husband Seth a birthday party, where Whitney brought him a weird present I think we'd all rather forget.

And finally, The Real Housewives of Orange County had a strange week wherein Noella basically took back everything she'd ever said to anyone, except for some of it, and nobody knows who's friends or who's going to Cabo. Anyway, here are the best, worst, and wildest moments from this week in 'wives!  

HIGH POINT: Fun Emily, RHOC

I'm not saying it was exactly fun that Emily demanded Jen cop to being a gold digger (which I'm not convinced she even is?), but the reemergence of Fun (a.k.a. drunk) Emily felt emblematic of what's going on with this season. Careful strategizing and pointed politicking is not really working, despite Heather's best efforts. Chaos is setting in among the ladies faster than Botox, and I'm here for it. Its primary agent is Noella, who serenely tells both Heather and Jen that the terrible things she said to/about them were just her projecting her fury at her husband onto them, and she's very sorry, except also she kind of meant it when she called Heather a "fake bitch," and in fact, she'd like to add "complete narcissist." Fancy Pants does not care for this rejection one bit, so tries to oust her castmate from the upcoming Cabo trip. I have no idea where anyone stands. Heather is fine with Nicole but not with Shannon or Noella? Nicole is mad at Noella but friendly with Gina? I don't even remember how we got here, but I do know this: Emily is drunk, and I'm as grateful for it as Shane must be.  

LOW POINT: Venue blues, RHOM

Alexia is carrying this whole season, and that's really saying a lot when newcomers Nicole, Guerdy, and Julia are such instant assets. After last week's blowup with her fiancé Todd and son Peter — which was genuinely devastating, and barely scratched the surface of years of pain for Alexia and her family — she had another tough night. Feeling enormously (and prematurely) relieved after finally choosing a venue for her wedding, she learns from Guerdy at Lisa's penthouse slumber party that the space won't be able to accommodate her. "Everything happens to me," she laments to Marysol, before adding in her confessional: "It's like the universe telling me not to get married." It's hard not to feel for her, knowing how much she's been fighting to have this day — and knowing what happened when it finally came.

WILDEST MOMENT: Back on the bus, RHOSLC

When Jen actually makes it onto that same cursed bus for the ladies' Mother's Day weekend — truly an evil plan on the part of their husbands — she makes a big show of being thrilled to be there, but it takes about 30 seconds for that familiar interior to resume its old form as a space of nightmares, only this time, the villain is right there with them. Don't ask me to explain what Jen is upset about, because repeat viewings of the scene only confused me further. Something about how Meredith hired a private investigator (Meredith isn't even there), and Meredith had an affair — truly, I could not begin to tell you. Anyway, she's mad at Lisa for I suppose not doing enough to support Jen over Meredith, though things are definitely rocky between Lisa and Meredith right now, so nothing she's saying has any meaning whatsoever. Kind of like every other time Jen starts screaming, always just to shut everyone else up and attempt to win them over with volume rather than honesty or logic. So that's where we're at! We conclude with a producer trying to pull Jen away from Lisa; love that for them. Happy Mother's Day!

👑 QUEEN OF THE WEEK 👑 Lisa, RHOM

The Real Housewives of Miami
Lisa Hochstein on 'The Real Housewives of Miami'
| Credit: Peacock

VANDERPREDICTION OF THE WEEK: This secret wedding will not work! Abort mission! (VPR)

PIECE OF CAKE: Surely there are better ways to make Seth stop talking about Whitney's chest than bringing him a cake that's directly modeled after it? And surely we didn't need to see him lick it? (RHOSLC)

GEOGRAPHY TIME: Surprise! Noella's estranged husband James is in Mykonos! (RHOC)

HOLDING MY BREATH: For the end of this conversation between Nicole and her father?! (RHOM)

CALL THE FASHION POLICE: The RHOSLC reunion looks are here, and they're… well, Heather looks nice!  

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