The Week in 'Wives: A RHOP mis-text, a RHONY mistake, and a RHOBH mystery
The best, worst, and wildest moments from this week on The Real Housewives.
Pour yourself a shot of fireball, because our Housewives got spicy this week, Bravoholics.
First to take the spotlight were The Real Housewives of Potomac, who gathered at Candiace's (mother's) old house for a pajama party, where a weirdly aggressive text chain had everyone shaking in their pink satin bedtime sets. Next up, on The Real Housewives of New York City, the ladies suited up in yuletide Jovani to shoot the music video for Luann's holiday single, but everyone was talking about what Sonja did not get for her birthday instead of what they all wanted for Christmas. Finally, we headed back to the desert with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, who are still struggling to piece together what happened as Erika's marriage fell apart — and she's struggling with the realization that this story is much bigger than she is. Here are the best, worst, and wildest moments from this week in 'wives!
HIGH POINT: Jammie time, RHOP
"To enter the pajama jam, you must have a shot of fireball" could literally be the opening line of the Great American Novel. It was allotted instead, however, to the second-best possible use for it, which is as the greeting at a classic Housewives' night in. Candiace forgot to invite Ashley but lucks out that the excuse of "her cervix is probably dilating at this very second" proves correct. The invitation that would have gone to her was extended instead to Wendy's new boobs, which are on prominent display, thanks for asking. Since everyone's already gotten cinnamon-liquored up at the door, they jump right into this whole thing about the unreasonably heated text conversation between Mia and Gizelle, who should have written "just the three of us" instead of "without Karen," though Mia's response was absolutely next level. New friend Askale gets in on the action, interjecting, "There is a whole lot of delusion going on, and I can only be silent for so long!" It hasn't really been that long, but I love the moment. Anyway, I'm bored with this and so is Candiace, so let's form a conga line right into the next room for some classic sleepover games. Nobody understands the rules of "Never Have I Ever," so we are briefly under the (incorrect) impression that both Wendy and Karen have done ecstasy. Mia's much-hyped down-there procedure isn't as shocking as anyone thought. And the only threesome Wendy's ever had has been between her, Eddie, and her wig. Just as God intended.
LOW POINT: A very mean-girl Christmas, RHONY
So it looks like our beloved Sonja Tremont Morgan definitely lied about having sex with Dylan the model after her and Ramona's birthday party. The most generous read of the situation is probably that she actually was so blacked out she truly doesn't remember a thing, so assumed and fully believed that they ate the caviar and slept together and it was all totally mind-blowing (showing a degree of self-assuredness we should all aspire to). It is embarrassing for her that there is a secondhand account of her having passed out and been removed from the hotel room at 2 a.m. as well as an Insta Story proving Dylan's girlfriend was also present. It would be embarrassing for her still even if her friends — were they really her friends — had just pulled her aside, said what they'd heard, and asked her straightforwardly whether she remembered it. But that's not enough for Ramona and Luann, who choose instead to egg her on, let her enjoy spinning her tale, and then shake with laughter as they pull the rug out from under her, all while "but what do I want for Christmas? Just you!" echoes menacingly from the next room. It's needlessly cruel from Sonja's old friends, but doubly distressing to see her dig in her heels further once the jig is up, when Leah asks her to explain what happened and the best she can muster is "I was there to get laid! I like dick!" What a way to kill the Christmas spirit.
WILDEST MOMENT: Have your moment, RHOBH
I think Erika Jayne truly believed she could use this show to craft her own narrative. I really think that having kept pieces of her life cleanly off Housewives in the past, she believed she could feed the cameras curated snippets of information, one at a time, and successfully paint herself exactly how she wanted to be seen. The audacity! Someone needs to brush up on her classics because that's some hubris, Pretty Mess! Personally, I'd rather take on Zeus himself than dare try to evade RHOBH's hungry cameras or manipulate our friends the Bravo editors. The cracks in her sloppy story began to show in the last episode, but they broke wide open this week. Erika finally seems to realize she's fully lost control over her narrative when Garcelle innocently repeats something Erika had said — on camera — in an apparent effort to catch up the other ladies, all of whom have been following the whole saga and supporting Erika throughout.
Erika snaps back, in her terrifying switch-flipped way, that "that was dirty" of Garcelle to bring up, then runs into the bathroom sobbing. As Sutton points out in her confessional, that's not a normal reaction to such a thing. Maybe it wasn't just that more people heard that one detail (that Tom still calls Erika) that set her off, but more so the realization that nothing is sacred, and nothing belongs to her. Not her old Lamborghini, not a word out of her mouth, and certainly not the public version of the twisty tale of Tom and Erika. Nobody watching this is really hearing her story, whatever it is; we're only seeing her trying desperately to tell one.
👑 QUEEN OF THE WEEK 👑 Garcelle, RHOBH
UNEXPECTED EXPERT: I wanted to listen to Sutton explain the work of a forensics accountant for the rest of dinner. (RHOBH)
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN: I'm sorry, did the wizard of Oz Restaurant himself Michael Darby just casually inform his 8 months and 29 days pregnant wife that he is actively planning to become a movie producer pretty soon, no big deal? (RHOP)
THE HERO GOTHAM DESERVES: Business-mode Ramona doing high-speed mental math and screaming dollar amounts at a Gaurav, who had better quit it with the phony Martha Stewart flattery and get Sonja's books to the townhouse quick. (RHONY)
KATHY'S KORNER: This week with RHOBH's Mrs. Hilton, we're eating a huge pile of tacos, desperately calling everyone we know to request a plastic straw and some chia seeds, and suddenly remembering we own a home down the street.