Imagining Gilmore Girls musical's songs from The Morning Show

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Gilmore Girls: The Musical

Everett Collection

In The Morning Show, there’s mention of something called Gilmore Girls: The Musical, which sadly doesn’t exist in real life (but should). So, we’ve gone ahead and imagined the musical numbers that would make up the Stars Hollow-based show.

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"CoffeeCoffeeCoffee" by Lorelai

Scott Humbert/The CW

The show’s opening number mirrors the series’ pilot, with Lorelai delivering a plea for caffeine via a high-tempo dance number as an annoyed (and reluctant) Luke stands by. Spoiler: He eventually gives in and pours her another cup of the good stuff. —Samantha Highfill

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"Did I Ever Tell You...?" by Babette

Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

Before she was Lorelai’s neighbor, Babette lived a host of interesting lives. In this jazzy Act 1 scene-setter, she fills us in on all the Stars Hollow gossip while revealing surprising facts about herself (“Did I ever tell you / I was in a cult”). Morey accompanies on piano, of course. —Kristen Baldwin

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"No Cell Phones" by Luke

Everett Collection

All Luke Danes wants in his diner — and in his life — is a little peace and quiet. “Get that thing outta here/ before I rip it from your ear,” he sings, as the spotlight illuminates the titular sign behind the counter. —KB

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"A Song by Kirk" by Kirk

Everett Collection

This experimental song has no lyrics, but the music is paired with a three-hour-long intrepretive dance. Kirk recommends following it up with a screening of A Film By Kirk. —SH

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"I Was Cool Once" by Dean

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“I wore the leather jacket first,” Dean sings in this heartfelt number about his arrival from Chicago, that Rosemary’s Baby reference, and all the things he did before Jess showed up and he was forced to become the “small town guy” option for Rory. —SH

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"When A Woman Gives Birth to a Crack Baby, You Do Not Buy Her a Puppy" by Emily

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Emily has had it up to HERE with Lorelai, and this is her chance to let out her frustrations as she pours herself a martini and details the rules every woman should live by. As she sings, she gives Lorelai a makeover, turning her into the daughter Emily always imagined … until the song ends and Lorelai rips off her pencil skirt to reveal jean cut-off shorts as she walks out the door. —SH

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"Lane" by Hep Alien

Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

Written by Brian — and disliked by Zack — this rock song is all about the wonders of Lane Kim, the greatest friend Rory could ask for, and the unluckiest woman when it comes to honeymoons. —SH

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"I Am So Glad I Had All That Sex" by Patty

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In this sultry, eight-minute-long number, Patty details her many sexual experiences, including her long love affair with the business we call show. —SH

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"Oy With the Poodles Already" by Lorelai and Rory

Mitchell Haddad/CBS Photo Archive via Getty Images

This comedy number, set at a Friday night dinner, is all about Lorelai and Rory’s new catchphrase, their refusal to stop saying it, and how quickly it gets on Emily’s nerves. —SH

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"Tie Your Tubes, Idiot" by Paris

Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

A rain-drenched Paris walks into a Yale hallway when a fellow student asks if it’s raining out. Cue the number! Paris proceeds to berate the student, and all the idiots she’s met in her life, in a STOMP-esque number sure to be stuck in your head for days. —SH

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"The Goose That Mugged Me" by Jess

Everett Collection

Stars Hollow’s resident bad boy broods his way through this spoken word number about what it’s like to be the outcast, how much he just wants to be left alone to write in the margins of books, and that one time a goose brought him down a peg. —SH

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"Always Double Strain the Sauce" by Sookie

Everett Collection

From an upstairs room at the Dragonfly — using a ladle as her microphone — a very pregnant Sookie explains the importance of following her recipes EXACTLY as they’re written. —SH

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"Daddy Didn't Love Me" by Logan

Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

The Huntzberger heir lets out his anger in this heavy metal headbanger about growing up in a home with no love, the occasional Velázquez painting on the wall, and Mitchum as a (truly terrible) father. —SH

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"Sleeping with Vegetables" by Jackson

Warner Bros./Getty Images

Arguably the sweetest ballad of the show is from Jackson as he sings about the lengths he’ll go to for his zucchini. “I’ll keep you warm,” he sings through his tears in a moment sure to have you reaching for the tissues. —SH

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"I'll Be In My Office" by Richard

Everett Collection

In this sophisticated, string-heavy ode to Richard’s favorite retreat, the dignified Gilmore patriarch outlines his role in the family — maker of money, keeper of decorum, and sole male in a household of highly-verbal women. —KB

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"For the Love of Stars Hollow" by Taylor

Everett Collection

From behind the podium at a town meeting, with his gavel in hand, Taylor sings about the beauty of Stars Hollow, its history, and why it’s so much better than Woodbury. —SH

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"The Marriage Jug" by Mrs. Kim

Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

When her young daughter, Lane, just can’t seem to understand the importance of good Christian values, Mrs. Kim sits alone at her kitchen table and, with nothing but the marriage jug by her side, delivers a poignant a cappella number about feeling misunderstood (and how everything in her store is currently 10 percent off). —SH

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"The Final Four Words" by Rory

Scott Humbert/The CW

Rory delivers the final song of the night, a truly haunting piece chronicling all of her biggest life decisions, from going to Yale to writing a book, only to end with the realization that she’s following in her mother’s footsteps after all. —SH

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There’s a Gilmore Girls musical in The Morning Show, and we wrote the songs for it

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Gilmore Girls: The Musical

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"CoffeeCoffeeCoffee" by Lorelai

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"Did I Ever Tell You...?" by Babette

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"No Cell Phones" by Luke

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"A Song by Kirk" by Kirk

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"I Was Cool Once" by Dean

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"When A Woman Gives Birth to a Crack Baby, You Do Not Buy Her a Puppy" by Emily

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"Lane" by Hep Alien

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"I Am So Glad I Had All That Sex" by Patty

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"Oy With the Poodles Already" by Lorelai and Rory

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"Tie Your Tubes, Idiot" by Paris

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"The Goose That Mugged Me" by Jess

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"Always Double Strain the Sauce" by Sookie

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"Daddy Didn't Love Me" by Logan

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"Sleeping with Vegetables" by Jackson

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"I'll Be In My Office" by Richard

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"For the Love of Stars Hollow" by Taylor

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"The Marriage Jug" by Mrs. Kim

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"The Final Four Words" by Rory

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