The 23 most brutal jokes from the Roast of Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin — winner of Emmys, leaver of nasty voicemails; friend to animals and charities, enemy of paparazzi and flight attendants — was speared with a spit and then placed over an open flame and roasted at a high temperature on Sunday night. The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin sent up the Oscar-nominated actor as promised, with roasters like Ken Jeong, Chris Redd, Caityln Jenner, Nikki Glaser, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog dinging him for his temper, his rage, his anger, his absentee relationship with his brothers and daughter, his hosting of The Match Game, and his participation in Pearl Harbor, among other things. "What an honor to be here roasting Justin Bieber's wife's oldest fattest uncle," swooned Glaser.
Alas, there were no Baldwin brothers — or anyone from the 30 Rock cast — on stage to assist with the assault, but viewers did get to see Oscar-winner (and Good Shepherd costar) Robert De Niro (!) participate in this barb-ecue, an innocuous video message from Lady Gaga, and surprise guest Ireland Baldwin, Alec's daughter. Speaking of that — what were the words Alec once used? ah, yes, "thoughtless little pig" — Hayes kicked off the proceedings by assuring the man of the hour (or two): "Don't worry, Alec, nothing said tonight will be meaner than what you left on your daughter's voicemail." While it was, of course, an equal opportunity insult fest, Jenner received a lot of equality that night, with many line-destroying jokes that targeted her transition to womanhood — though they didn't quite put it in those graceful terms. "Bruce Jenner wanted to be here tonight but some —- cut his dick off," said Ross, before giving her props for being the first transgender person to be on the dais. ("You're an inspiration to Republican transgender Olympic decathlon winners everywhere," he added.)
The former gold medalist was more than a good sport, and when it was her turn to hurl, Jenner exacted her revenge on all. She explained that it was her penis that made Kylie Jenner "the youngest self-made billionaire in history" (insert your own scoff over self-made part), and Kendall Jenner "the highest-paid model in the world." "I raised 10 children, I'm coming up on 20 grandchildren," she said. "I didn't cut it off. I just retired it. It was done!"
When the night was done — which Baldwin agreed to participate in for a million-dollar donation to the charity Exploring the Arts — taboos were left curled up in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably. Below, we present the jokes that dropped jaws, for better and worse.
"Alec almost got the role of Batman in 1989 but the part went to Michael Keaton because he actually had chemistry with Kim Basinger." —Sean Hayes
"You were in Glengarry Glen Ross with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him that ABC doesn't mean 'Always blow children.'" —Blake Griffin to Alec Baldwin
"Alec is a sensitive artist at heart. Alec has written two books, a one-man show and the word 'whore' on his ex-wife's windshield." —Triumph
"A lot of people only know my dad as an angry guy, but he's more than some lunatic that loses his temper. He also loses Emmys and Oscars and custody of his firstborn child, am I right?" —Ireland Baldwin
"Keep it going for the reason Mike Pence says we have hurricanes! You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake that a bakery would refuse to make for you." —Nikki Glaser to Sean Hayes
"Let's face it, no one wants to be here. The person who went to the greatest lengths to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner… I actually respect that you fully transitioned instead of stopping halfway like Sean Hayes."—Caroline Rhea
"I know being a new mom is hard but even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter." —Nikki Glaser
"Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified as a woman for a few years, but I just want you to know that I know deep down, you've always been a c—. I spell it with a 'K', though, for you." —Nikki Glaser
"Hey, Caitlyn, you goddamn hypocrite. You're like against gay marriage, you voted for Trump, you're like the Auntie Tom of the trans community." —Chris Redd to Caitlyn Jenner.
"Here's how fucked up Hollywood is. Bruce Jenner announces he's transitioning and everybody applauds it, but when they find out he's a republican, they're outraged. Cut your dick off? Hero. Cut taxes? Hitler." —Adam Carolla
"Comedy Central wanted to have Caitlyn on a roast after her surgery so now they can pay her 20 percent less." —Robert De Niro
"You look a real doll that's been f—ed a littttle too close to the fireplace." —Alec Baldwin on Caitlyn Jenner
"I'm a person trying to figure out my life just like everyone else. All I want for future generations of transgender people is that if I can find the courage to be who I am, then you can too. If you have a problem with that, then you can suck my dick! If you can find it!" —Caitlyn Jenner
"I'm happy to be here for Alec, but honestly I'm here to teach Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner, and Blake Griffin how to f— black women." —Robert De Niro
"Blake, you look like nine different races all working together to make sure you never win a championship." —Chris Redd to Blake Griffin
"If you don't know Chris Redd's work on Saturday Night Live, he does all the impressions that Kenan Thompson is too fat to play."— Jeff Ross on Chris Redd
"You look like a blind kid tried to draw Michael B. Jordan." —Jeff Ross on Chris Redd
"Larry Bird is here, I mean, Nikki Glaser is here. Nikki, look at you, ya damaged little climber. You know, Nikki was the only girl kicked off Jeffrey Epstein's island for networking." —Blake Griffin
"Adam looks like the kind of guy who calls black athletes thoroughbreds." — Blake Griffin on Adam Carolla
"Adam Carolla also hosted a show for car geeks called Top Gear, his favorite episode was finding the most fuel-efficient car to drive into a crowd in Charlottesville." —Alec Baldwin
"Robert De Niro, one of our generation's finest actors, but let's face it, your recent movies have been so shitty, I'm surprised I'm not in them." —Ken Jeong
"You just had identical twin daughters. Congratulations. Ken told me he can't tell them apart. Well, now you know how the rest of us feel. You're a good guy, thank you for letting them live." —Jeff Ross to Ken Jeong
"Jeff, you are one fat Jewish man. I feel like you really took 'Let my people go' out of context." —Caroline Rhea to Jeff Ross
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