Explaining why she didn’t allow herself to really feel the loss after first hearing of his death, the 62-year-old actress said she felt like she had to “remain stoic” because she still had episodes to film.
“I couldn’t, we still had shows to shoot, and I had to remain stoic. I said backstage, when I come out and anybody asks me, I’m going to remain stoic,” a tearful Scott said on Monday’s episode of The Talk.
“I adored him. We all adored him. There was something very unique and magical about him. He would just draw you into his wonderful world. And all of his bear hugs, I can’t believe I’ll never get a bear hug,” added the actress, who’s celebrating her 40th anniversary of playing Nikki Newman on the long-running soap.
Scott said St. John was always a pleasure to be around — and the first person she’d seek out at parties.
“Going to any kind of event, any party, the first thing I said when I got there was ‘Where’s Kristoff? I want to find Kristoff, I want to be with him, I want to be in his air space.’ Because that’s the kind of guy he was, and I think that came through on camera,” she added. “I think everybody sensed that. I mean, everybody adored him.”
After his death, Scott released a statement, saying, “We will desperately miss my dear friend, Kristoff. We all loved him so much. I’m brokenhearted.”
The two-time Emmy Award-winning actor was found dead Feb. 3 in his home in the San Fernando Valley.
According to the Los Angeles Police Department, a death investigation took place for a possible alcohol overdose.
PEOPLE previously reported that an autopsy has been completed, but a cause of death has been deferred pending additional results.
The actor’s son Julian died by suicide in 2014, and some of the actor’s final social media posts reflected on that. On Jan. 21, St. John retweeted someone’s post about losing a child that read, “Grieving the loss of a child is a process. It begins on the day your child passes, and ends the day the parent joins them.”
“Never a truer word was spoke,” tweeted St. John, who is survived by his fiancée, Kseniya Mikhaleva, daughter Paris (with ex-wife Mia St. John), and daughter Lola (with ex-wife Allana Nadal). “Thanks for posting this.”
In her first interview since the tragedy, Mia told Entertainment Tonight that St. John thought he saw Julian shortly before he died.
“He was just so depressed. We knew he was drinking and just saying he didn’t want to be here anymore,” said Mia, who married St. John in 1991. The former couple split in 1995 but remained close.
“‘Julian’s at the door,’” she recalled him telling her over the phone.
The Young and the Restless star will be buried next to his son at the Valley Oaks Memorial Park in Westlake Village, California, according to TMZ.
This article originally appeared on People.com.