Though ABC and The Bachelor will officially announce the show’s next star on Tuesday, word on the street — and by “street,” of course, I mean Reality Steve’s Twitter feed — is that it’ll be Colton Underwood handing out the roses come January.
You remember Colton, don’t you rose lovers? He’s the former football player from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette, who used his time in the spotlight to announce to anyone who would listen that he’s a virgin. He was ultimately sent packing after hometowns — and soon hopped a plane to Bachelor in Paradise, where he rekindled an on-again, off-again relationship with former Bachelor contestant Tia Booth. If the rumors are true and Colton does become the Bachelor, presumably he’ll break Tia’s heart sometime during Monday or Tuesday’s episode of Paradise. (Or, even worse, he’ll wait for the reunion special? Damn, that’d be cold.)
So… Colton. Look, as many of you know, I am rooting for one person and one person only to be Bachelor: Wills Reid. But even if I didn’t have an unhealthy obsession with the romphim-wearing graphic designer, I’d still say that Colton is definitely not the right man for The Bachelor‘s very particular job. Not because he’s a virgin, of course, but simply because the guy seems — what’s the word I’m looking for? — extremely uncomfortable in any situation that involves feelings, women, or sex. (Honestly, the dude seems to be happiest when he’s in the company of dogs, as many photos on his Instagram will attest.) Before The Bachelorette, Colton said he had only been in one serious relationship (with Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman), and after Becca dumped him, the big lug was a weepy, fragile mess even as he tried to be a good soldier for producers and look for “love” in Paradise.
Even if we’re being generous and calling Colton’s brief time with Becca and Tia “relationships,” we’re still dealing with an anxious, 26-year-old virgin whose dating history does not indicate he’s ready to put a ring on it — what about that says “perfect Bachelor material” to anyone? The poor guy practically passed out when he thought he might be going to the Fantasy Suite with Becca (remember his sweaty conversation with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony?), and Tia literally had to order him to use his tongue during a kiss on Paradise.
If producers and the network are bypassing Wills because they don’t think America is “ready” for a black Bachelor (wrong), then they have plenty of other boring white guys to choose from: 29-year-old Jason from Buffalo; 28-year-old Blake from Colorado; heck, they could even bring back former Bachelor Ben Higgins, 29, as host Chris Harrison suggested. Jason and Blake have made it pretty clear they’d be wide open to being the Bachelor, whereas with Colton, it seems like producers would need to hand-hold him the entire way.
Anyhow, thanks for listening, rose lovers. How do you feel about the prospect of Colton as the Bachelor? Vote in our poll and post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.