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May 15, 2018 at 05:37 PM EDT

Jimmy Kimmel didn’t hold back when he took the stage at ABC’s upfront presentation to advertisers on Tuesday.

The late-night host made the comments while poking fun at the industry at ABC’s sales presentation to Madison Avenue in New York on Tuesday. Here are some of his best lines:

“We have a new slogan this year ABC. Our new slogan is ‘Forward Together.’ Hillary Clinton had a yard sale, and she let us have that for almost nothing.”

“Fox needs help. They canceled Lucifer and The Exorcist — they can’t even make a deal with the devil.”

“Our company is in the midst of negotiations to buy Fox. It seemed like a done deal, and then last week, Comcast, like the surprise ex-boyfriend who shows up on The Bachelorette right before she gets engaged, Comcast shows up and weasels its way into our business. We got peacock-blocked, is what happened.”

“So now it looks like there could be an epic bidding war. But if there is a war [Disney chief] Bob Iger will prevail. He can just charge it to his Black Panther card… some of you ass-kissers started to clap at that.” 

“All we know for sure is someone is buying Fox. The Murdochs are getting richer. And everyone is redoing their kitchens with a motherf—ing pasta faucet.”

“We have a lot riding on this merger [with Fox]. We can’t lose Fox and [Grey’s Anatomy producer] Shonda Rhimes in one year. She’s an amazing talent who changed the face of this network. She’s now leaving for Netflix. I can honestly say on behalf of everyone here at ABC who worked with her for so long, we hope she rots in hell… We’re very sad. As the old saying goes, ‘When one door closes, you’re f—ed.'”

“So we’re saying goodbye to Shondaland and going headfirst into Roseanne-istan with no exit plan.”

“Our biggliest hit of the year is Roseanne … so everyone who says Hollywood is out of ideas, we’re not. It’s just that one of our new ideas was to Google, ‘What were our old ideas?'”

“No one was expecting Roseanne to be a big hit. But to be honest, we don’t expect any of our shows to be hits. Roseanne‘s success proves that the older and crazier you are, the more today’s audience likes you. That’s why we’re proud to announce our new show: Gary Busey Proves 9/11 Never Happened.”

“Our new strategy is resurrecting old crap.”

“We’re also recycling shows other networks throw away. Fox is reviving canceled ABC shows. ABC and NBC are reviving canceled Fox shows. This is what’s known in the industry as a failure orgy.”

“You can’t even cancel anything; it doesn’t mean anything anymore. It’s like the McRib — it just comes back.”

“I’ve been a fan of [Disney’s cable network] Freeform since 20 minutes ago when I learned what it is.”

“Remember when we didn’t give a s— what was on TV? Frasier again? Fine. What am I going to do? Read?”

“America will not see a fourth season of Quantico. The same way they didn’t see the second and third seasons of Quantico.”

“We canceled Deception, a show about a magician who used tricks to solve crimes. That was such a good idea.”

“Millennials are not just cutting the cord, they’re eating the placenta.”

“The reason Fox is calling [shorter commercial breaks] Jazz Pods? They wanted to find a way to shorten commercial breaks and appropriate black culture at the same time.”

“We’re not the only one doing our greatest hits. Everyone is. Will and Grace, Fuller House, Murphy Brown — that’s right, CBS knows what millennials want, and they’ll be damned if they give it to them.”

“I have to admit I’m excited about Murphy Brown. It’s refreshing to see anything brown on CBS.” [That one got offended groans from the advertisers].

“We even canceled Marvel’s Inhumans. Somehow we managed to have the only unsuccessful project with the word ‘Marvel’ in the title. Ever. It had never been done before.”

“Nathan Filion is returning to TV, which is great news if you were worried your Aunt Joanne wouldn’t be horny enough this fall.”

“We have a new reality dating show called The Proposal. Contestants compete to marry someone they haven’t met. I haven’t seen this yet, but it sounds like it isn’t so much a dating show as a thinly veiled sex trafficking operation.”

“Our ratings are going down, and our prices are going up. Too bad, eat it.”

“Our president is a lunatic, and we’re all gonna die. If this continues, it won’t say R.I.P. on our headstones, it will say K.P.I.”

To kick off the presentation, Roseanne Barr did an “audition” for ABC’s American Idol judges by singing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” (and was far better than you might expect). “I’m thrilled to share my vocal talents with America one more time,” Barr said dryly afterward, poking fun at her infamous delivery of the national anthem in 1990.

Disney Media Networks co-chair Ben Sherwood touted the success of Barr’s show repeatedly, noting, “The last time we had the No. 1 show was 24 years ago; that’s a bit of trivia we’ve conveniently forgotten to mention the last 24 times we were here.” 

Earlier, ABC unveiled its new fall schedule. The move comes on the heels of NBC revealing its fall schedule on Sunday and Fox unveiling its fall schedule on Monday.

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