By Dana Schwartz
May 01, 2018 at 03:56 PM EDT
Netflix

If you don’t know who John Mulaney is yet, it’s time for you to catch the heck up. John Mulaney — writer, actor, comedian, Grant Gustin-look-a-like, general bae — went from SNL writer to failed sitcom star to arguably the best standup comedian currently in the game. His latest special, Kid Gorgeous, is streaming on Netflix, and even though every joke works better with his signature inflection, we get it, you’re busy. So here are some of his best lines. Try to read them in his voice.

On performing at Radio City Music Hall: 

“I love to play venues where if the guy who built the venue could see me on stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it.”

On the zoo:

“You don’t always get to see the things you pay to see. Ever been to the goddamn zoo? Those things are never where they’re supposed to be! Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, ‘Hey, where’s the jaguar?’ and the zoo guy is like, ‘Uhh, he must be in the inside part.’ The inside part? Tell him we’re here.”

On elementary school Stranger Danger assemblies: 

“The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, was Stranger Danger. The hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies.”

“You are gathered together as a school, and you are told never to talk to an adult you don’t know. And you are told this, by an adult you don’t know.”

“He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti, but instead he made his living in murder. He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. That line never gets a laugh, but once you write it, it stays in the act forever.”

On colleges asking for donations:

“And now you have the audacity to ask me for more money?! What kind of a cokehead relative is my college?”

“In their letter they were like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.’ I was like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you housed and taught me!'”

On college:

“I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time.”

“I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to read Jane Austen, and then I didn’t.”

On aging:

“I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that, that’s how much I hate that shit.”

“I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.”

On Captchas:

“You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”

On Connecticut:

“I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff…”

On an 1860’s gazebos: 

“Building a gazebo during the Civil War, that’d be like doing stand-up comedy now.”

On Trump:

“This guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in the hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what happens next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse loose in the hospital.”

On facts:

“Get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”

On putting his dog in a baby stroller:

“People lean in to see the baby, and instead they see a gargoyle, breathing like Chris Christie.”

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