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April 17, 2018 at 07:33 AM EDT

Conan O’Brien‘s late-night partner-in-crime Andy Richter doesn’t see what everyone else seems to see in the Fitbit. Sure, it may encourage you to walk more by counting your steps, but he says it doesn’t guarantee results. He does, however, have a new product that will.

It’s the FatBat! There’s “no diet, no gimmicks, just a scary guy who follows you around with a bat.”

The science of the FatBat is simple, Richter narrates in a Conan bit: It “uses your very real flight or fight instinct to burn calories.”

Who needs “fancy bracelets or athletic equipment”? You’re guaranteed to lose weight when there’s “no safe word” and “no off switch.”

Watch the FatBat bit above.

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