Former Saturday Night Live stars Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch returned to the show to celebrate their respective home teams facing off in the Super Bowl by facing off against each other with some Revolutionary War-era trash talk.
Philly native Fey and Massachusetts-bred Dratch played women gloating about their respective colonies’ roles fighting the British troops.
“Now we have to hear the boasting from the Patriots of New England,” one man sighs after it’s declared that New England had a recent victory over the Brits in Bunker Hill.
The New Englanders, led by Dratch and SNL host Natalie Portman, stomp in chugging beer steins filled with “coffee from Dunkin” to tell wicked tales of how their captain—Thomas Brady, natch— led them to five victories.
That’s when Fey and her delegation from Philadelphia burst in.
“Philly is mad strong, from the little babies to all our mom-moms and pop-pops. We’s ready to fight!” she announces in a strong accent. “So grease up them poles ‘cause Philly’s gonna win, and then one of these guy’s gonna punch a police horse.”
“Philadelphia, please, you got no chance kid,” Portman retorts.
“Can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady?” Fey fires back. “He’s old OK. He’s like 40. That’s four years past life expectancy.”
“Boston’s not even a real city. It’s a college town with fishing pier,” Fey continues.
Dratch stops her. “Talk to us when you win one, numbnuts.”
The barbs mount until both sides agree to take it outside.
“One if by land, two by your mother,” Dratch yells on the way.
Once Philadelphia and New England are out the room, a remaining colonist played by Beck Bennett declares his annoyance with both colonies.
“They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose?”
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