Trevor Noah, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel all have questions for the official White House physician, Dr. Ronny Jackson, who determined President Donald Trump to be in “excellent” health after his first physical as president.
“No heart problems, no dementia, no dentures? But did you test for racism?” Noah asked during a segment on The Daily Show Tuesday. But more concerning for the late-night TV host is what Trump’s flourishing health actually means.
“So it turns out, according to the official White House doctor, Trump is completely sane, which makes me more worried because that means he’s doing all of this s— on purpose?!” he said. “You ‘covfefe’ in your normal mind? Because to us, the non-experts, the only thing that looks healthy about Donald Trump is that he’s shaped like a food pyramid, right? To say that his health is excellent, it’s like medicine is gaslighting us now. I mean, how is this even possible?”
Even Dr. Jackson, who performed the exam, couldn’t determine the exact reason for Trump’s health score. When asked by a reporter how Trump could be in as good of health as Jackson says he is when the president “eats McDonald’s and fried chicken and all those Diet Cokes and never exercises,” he said, “It’s called genetics. I don’t know. Some people just have great genes.”
“Okay, great genes,” Colbert quipped on The Late Show, “but he can’t fit in them.”
Trump’s check-up — which included a cognitive test the president passed — came after Michael Wolff’s book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House questioned his mental capacity. Colbert, though, is still skeptical of these new health results.
For one, Jackson told the press that Trump stands at 75 inches (6 feet 3 inches) and weighs 239 pounds. “According to the body mass index by the Federal Health and Human Services Department, Trump is overweight and just one pound shy of obesity,” Colbert said. “One pound shy of being obese! That’s awfully convenient.”
Even more perplexing for Colbert is that “despite all evidence, Donald Trump does have a heart.”
“How can he be in excellent health? When he sneezes, gravy comes out of his mouth,” Kimmel mocked on Jimmy Kimmel Live. “A quick way to figure out Trump is not in excellent health is to look at him.”
The host then put on a spoof of the White House press briefing to declare “President Trump’s hair has taken over his brain.”
“Our tests have discovered that the chemical used in his preferred shade of Just For Men, which is Burnt Marshmallow, has combined with the high levels of French-fry oil in his blood to create a hair parasite — or hairasite,” the fake doc said before he was literally devoured by the sentient hair.
Watch more of late-night TV’s reaction to Trump’s health report above.