'Keep your business in your pants,' she says

With Harvey Weinstein’s sexual misconduct allegations dominating the news cycle, Samantha Bee has some profound and easy-to-follow “business advice” for men who don’t want to find themselves accused of misconduct.

“Fellas, I’m a big comedy star/Hollywood executive and I found that it’s quite easy not to masturbate in front of my employees,” Bee says in a “Penis PSA” from Wednesday night’s Full Frontal. “In fact, it’s one of the easiest things I don’t do. Every day I wake up, get dressed, take the subway to work, and then don’t masturbate in front of anyone. Next time you get the urge to masturbate, just ask yourself, ‘Am I in front of an employee or a colleague?’ And if the answer is yes, don’t — just don’t.”

As the camera pivots to a close-up shot of Bee in profile, the late-night comic gets even more instructive with the gents watching at home. “Men, I’m sorry to break this to you, but your dick is ugly. No one wants to see your dick in any context,” she says. “Even the straightest, horniest woman who loves you the most is hoping you can get it inside her without her having to look at it. So definitely don’t show it to strangers, don’t text pics of it to people, and don’t whip it out at film festivals. Your dick is objectively the worst thing about you. If you want to send a lady a picture of something, try a nipple or a pinky toe or a favorite mole.”

In conclusion, “don’t masturbate in front of people who haven’t specifically asked you to, and even then, stop and ask yourself, ‘What is our power dynamic? Is there a chance in hell that this person might only be agreeing to see my hideous dick out of fear for their career?’ If so, make a good business choice and keep your business in your pants.”

Last week, the The New York Times published an exposeé on Weinstein which included allegations of sexual harassment from multiple women, including actress Ashley Judd. This week, The New Yorker published its own story, that revealed more allegations of sexual misconduct against Weinstein, including that he raped actress and filmmaker Asia Argento by forcibly performing oral sex on her. Weinstein denied those allegations in a statement released by his representative. “Any allegations of non-consensual sex are unequivocally denied by Mr. Weinstein. Mr. Weinstein has further confirmed that there were never any acts of retaliation against any women for refusing his advances. Mr. Weinstein obviously can’t speak to anonymous allegations, but with respect to any women who have made allegations on the record, Mr. Weinstein believes that all of these relationships were consensual. Mr. Weinstein has begun counseling, has listened to the community and is pursuing a better path. Mr. Weinstein is hoping that, if he makes enough progress, he will be given a second chance.”

On Wednesday, Bee sarcastically exclaimed during a separate segment (see above) that it has been “a huge week for women” since “America encountered the second giant vortex of destructive moisture named Harvey.” She also took Republicans to task for politicizing the Weinstein scandal.

“Look,” she said, “Both parties have had their share of sexual harassers and predators. This is about men. Sorry, woke bros, but guys can be creeps. #NotAllMen. The extent of their creepiness seems to be a surprise to everyone except women.” Showing an image of a line of men wearing Handmaid’s Tale costumes, she added, “That’s why all the men on my staff have a strict code of conduct.”

Watch Bee’s segments in the clips above.

Full Frontal
  • Movie
  • 101 minutes