Ten years after the show's debut, social media can wreak more havoc than Gossip Girl

By Ruth Kinane
September 19, 2017 at 11:09 AM EDT
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Gossip Girl (TV Show)

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Ten years ago, Gossip Girl, the vindictive and faceless persona, began infiltrating the phones of Upper East Side teenagers with news of breaking scandals in their exclusive zip code. In doing so, Gossip Girl, the former CW show, infiltrated the televisions, hearts, and minds of impressionable teens IRL.

Sept. 19 marks the 10-year anniversary of the show, but had GG existed today — well, she wouldn’t have. Nowadays, we’re so deeply entrenched in all the various social media platforms that an anonymous blogger would be rendered completely obsolete. We already know every last detail of each other’s lives (from our closest acquaintances to the guy who works at the local pharmacy) because we are programmed to overshare. Transparency is key in 2017, even when it really maybe shouldn’t be. Heck, everyone from presidents to pop stars hash it out on Twitter, so what chance would Gossip Girl stand in revealing a feud between Blair and Serena that went down in 2017?

In honor of the pilot’s decennial, we explore seven different modes of social media and the role they’d play in today’s GG scandals:

1. Facebook

Remember the mystery surrounding Chuck’s mom and whether she was actually living or not? Yeah, not a thing in 2017. An enigmatic @ElizabethFisher would be dropping supportive comments all over Chuck’s statuses — parents can’t resist “the Facebook.” One exchange would read something like this:

#MutherChucker

2. Twitter

Rather than aspiring novelist, Dan absolutely would be an active Twitter user — regaling all his thoughts and opinions from the handle @LonelyBoy. His follower count would grow exponentially after he starts dating Serena, and, of course, he’d reply to every troll out there. Ultimately, some millennial in publishing would @ him with a book deal offer for an anthology of his very-well punctuated tweets — an abridged version. You know Dan would submit literally thousands of pages of tweets. There’d be no need for a sporadic text blast from GG in this social-media saturated age; Dan wouldn’t be able to help himself from laying it all bare all the time.

3. Venmo

It takes a pretty supreme level of boredom to read through a Venmo feed of what and why your friends are paying each other: “BOTTOMLESS BRUNCH, BITCHEZ #MIMOSASSSS,” “cable a.k.a. daylight robbery,” “the rights to the Empire Hotel.” Hold up! Yes, in 2017, all it would take for Blair to realize she was an (almost) easily-traded pawn in Chuck’s acquisition of the luxury building is to scroll through her boyfriend’s transaction history and spot a payment to Uncle Jack. The type of tender exchanged? A tender night with Blair herself.

ImChuckBass paid AttackOfTheJack

?? for ?

Liked by @LonelyBoy

“What the f–?” @HeadbandsandBows

4. Snapchat

It wouldn’t take Gossip Girl snapping a pic of a secret couple to reveal the relationship’s existence to a left-in-the-dark-ex; one member of the duo would unwittingly do it themselves. The problem with being part of a super-attractive couple is the need to capture that beauty on camera and share it with loved ones, because damn it, you just look so good! In 2017, Blair wouldn’t be able to resist a quick snap and would accidentally send it to her story on Snapchat rather than just the intended Dorota. In doing so, she would reveal her and Dan’s relationship to suspicious Serena.

Ignat/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images

#Dair

5. Instagram

You know what’s really great about Instagram? The multiple upload option — particularly if you’re a teenage boy with the need to document a threesome with Hilary Duff(‘s character on the show). To be honest, we’re sure it would be a nice break from pic after pic of Jenny’s devolving evolving style — you know she’d be endlessly bombarding everyone if the ‘gram had been big back in ’07.

The CW

Having so much fun with these girls!

#The15ThingsEveryCollegeStudentMustDoBeforeGraduating

The CW

Like, SO much fun

#The15ThingsEveryCollegeStudentMustDoBeforeGraduating

The CW

Finally got to put my selfie stick to good use ?

#The15ThingsEveryCollegeStudentMustDoBeforeGraduating #NotSoLonelyBoy #MoreLikePlayBoyAmirite

6. Tinder

Nate’s affection for the more senior ladies could’ve been kept under wraps if he’d had Tinder back in his cougar-hunting days. Sorry, GG, no big reveals for you today.

7. iMessage

If Gossip Girl was set today, we wouldn’t have to wait six seasons to discover the true identity of the malicious blogger/texter. In the iPhone era, Dan would’ve been tripped up with the smallest of Apple ingenuities:

You know you love me,
xoxo,
2017

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