Starring Courtney Portnoy
If you’ve already inhaled all of season 4 of Netflix’s animated depressed-horse comedy BoJack Horseman, then you know that there are far too many quality one-liners, exchanges, and sight gags for one person to keep track of. But don’t worry — we did it for you!
Here’s our episode-by-episode breakdown of the the season’s bon-est bon mots, from fun but stunningly numbing dumb puns to coy Courtney Portnoy ploys.
EPISODE 1: “SEE MR. PEANUTBUTTER RUN”
1. VINCENT D’ONOFRIO: This D’Onofrio has had enough-rio!
2. PRINCESS CAROLINE: Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just play a governor in a movie? I could attach Tommy Schlamme to direct.
MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Tommy Schlamme, Schmommy Schlammy!
3. MR. PEANUTBUTTER: This isn’t an us-ocracy, it’s a dem-ocracy. So let’s ask dem what they think.
4. ANCHORMAN JUMBOGRUMBO: To ski or not to ski? That was the question posed by William Shakespeare, and it’s perhaps even more relevant today.
5. TODD: Aw, man, I was hoisted by own petard — the one petard I thought would never hoist me!
6. PROFESSOR THISTLETHORP: Skiing isn’t about reading or books! It’s about speaking truth to power. And you have spoken it eloquently. You are my finest student. I love you.
EPISODE 2: “THE OLD SUGARMAN PLACE”
7. GRANDMOTHER SUGARMAN: You look so handsome in your soldier suit! Like a young Clark Gerbil.
8. WWII-ERA FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHER: All right folks, this is for posterity, so don’t forget to look faraway sad!
9. FLY: Have a nice life, Hambone.
BOJACK: Why’d you call me Hambone?
FLY: You told me that’s what your name was! Hambone Fakenameington.
10. BOJACK: You’ve got a nice set of pipes. You’re like a Josh Groban who doesn’t also think he’s funny.
11. GRANDFATHER SUGARMAN: What’s broken in the heart can never be repaired. But the brain? Well, we have all sorts of science for the brain!
12. GRANDMOTHER SUGARMAN, after brain surgery: Why, I have half a mind.
EPISODE 3: “HOORAY! TODD EPISODE!”
13. PRINCESS CAROLINE: Courtly roles like the formerly portly consort are Courtney Portnoy’s forte!
14. HOLLYHOCK: Ever since I was a baby, people said I looked like BoJack Horseman.
TODD: That’s a terrible thing to say to a baby!
15. TIM GUNN: That behatted boy! Fashion was never meant to be an inherently elitist form!
16. BOJACK: Life is but an endless series of missed opportunities, some involving Pottery Barn.
17. BOJACK: I can’t break another heart. Not today. Not Channing.
EPISODE 4: “COMMENCE FRACKING”
18. MR. PEANUTBUTTER: The only fracking that’s going to be happening is in this bedroom. I’m going to drill you deep and fill you with a mysterious substance that scientists still don’t know the ramifications of.
19. STEFANI: Diane, relax! This is not a conversation between an employee and her superior, this is a conversation between a friend and her superior.
20. STEFANI: You gotta do you, girl! If he’s doing him, then who’s doing you? Because right now, it seems like no one’s doing you.
21. BOJACK: This is a summer dress? I guess I don’t know dresses.
22. DIANE: It’s called Girl Croosh! Stupid Girl is just a subsection of the main site.
23. HARVEY FIERSTEIN: And so the dance of life continues. I’m Harvey Fierstein, bidding you a sexy evening.
EPISODE 5: “THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS”
24. TURTLETAUB: Courtney Portnoy-vey.
25. ROBERT SIEGEL, via Diane’s ringtone: The House Majority Whip outlines a new bipartisan plan to encourage YOU to answer your ringing phone.
AUDIE CORNISH: For Thursday, October 12th, this is All Rings Considered.
ROBERT SIEGEL: I’m Robert Siegel.
AUDIE CORNISH: And I’m Audie Cornish. The proposed bill would take effect when someone tries to call you and you hear this ringtone.
26. PRINCESS CAROLINE: You know Courtney Portnoy! You probably recall when she soared as a thorny horticulturist in One Sordid Fortnight With a Short-Skirted Sorceress. How would you enjoy joining Portnoy for a scorched soy porterhouse pork four-courser at Koi? Glorify your source, but don’t make it feel forced, of course. And try the borscht!
27. KATRINA: Peanutbutter is Peanut-better!
28. PERSON ON LOCAL NEWS: I don’t feel safe anymore walking my own street at night. Me – a man!
STATE SENATOR #1: I am convening a series of congressional hearings on the matter of women and guns, because even one death from the bullet of a female gun owner is too many.
STATE SENATOR #2: What are my constituents supposed to do, not compliment random women on the street because they might be carrying a gun? We cannot allow our lives to be dictated by that kind of fear!
EPISODE 6: “STUPID PIECE OF SH*T”
29. BOJACK’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: No, you don’t deserve to die young, only the greats die young. Oh, now you think you’re young all of a sudden!
30. BOJACK’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Oh my god, is that life? You’re there, you do your thing, and then people forget. “Forget it Jake, it’s Sooze-town.” Is that me? Am I the Suddenly Sooze-town of people?
31. MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Am I Ace of Base right now? Because all I want is another one of these babies!
32. RABBITOWITZ: We are doing to this wedding what Rob Durst did to that lady and Fred Durst did to his career.
33. FELICITY HUFFMAN: Do you know how much s— you throw over the side of your deck? Beer bottles! Lit cigarettes! Scripts where the lead is female!
EPISODE 7: “UNDERGROUND”
34. PINKY PENGUIN: I have so many regrets! I just picked up a sitcom where the mom is a zombie. It’s called Mombie – and it’s terrible!
35. SHEEP: Is anyone getting any bars? I’m not getting any baaaaars!
36. MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Well, maybe there should be points! [crowd cheers] People seem to like my points idea — that’s another point for me!
37. MR. PEANUTBUTTER: Let’s listen to the guy who’s saying don’t kill me. He’s got some good ideas!
38. MR. PEANUTBUTTER: I fear by daybreak, there will be no Braff meat left.
39. TODD: Can we return to the surface? All my favorite clouds are up there.
EPISODE 8: “THE JUDGE”
41. F.H.B.A. STAR SAMANTHA: I may be a human rights lawyer, but those skanks are human wrongs.
42. HOLLYHOCK: So making TV is like a full-time job? Then why is it so bad! I just assumed people weren’t trying.
43. BOJACK: Hollyhock, wait. Wait… wait!
HOLLYHOCK: I get it, it’s my weight!
44. DIANE: Maybe instead of trying to figure out the woman-blob workaround, you should just apologize to Holly.
45. SIR MIX-A-LOT, JUDGE ON F.H.B.A.: We make a show about empowering women and lifting them up. And you cheapen it up with this coarse vulgarity? I cannot lie — you disgust me.
EPISODE 9: “RUTHIE”
46. BOJACK: Diane, I am a famous — everyone gives me everything I want all the time. It is an existential curse, but a huge day-to-day convenience.
47. DIANE: You told me to use a vacation-day at work because this was, quote, a feminism-related emergency!
BOJACK: Ha! I’ve got your number.
48. PRINCESS CAROLINE: Did Chris Kattan drop out? Right before his comeback? Right before the world is finally ready to settle for Kattan?
49. PRINCESS CAROLINE: Who knew Portnoy had so many complaints!
50. RHINO DOCTOR: As Charles Lindbergh would say, sometimes you fly an airplane and sometimes you lose a baby. In this case, you didn’t fly the airplane.
51. PHILBERT’S NEW HOLIDAY IDEAS:
Acknowledge Your Gardner Day
Arbor Day II
Halloween In January
Week Appreciation Day
Lion Pride Day
Old Year’s Eve
Colobus Day Indigenous Poodles Day
Take Yourself to Work Day!
Cinco de Rhino
Time For Lunch Day
Something With Cheese?
52. ITALIAN RESTAURANT WAITER: Ah, Miss Carrie Underwood! Miss Carey Mulligan! Miss Carey, first name Mariah! Look at all these mis-carries!!
EPISODE 10: “LOVIN THAT CALI LIFESTYLE!!”
53. BEATRICE: Henrietta, don’t use a foreign language in front of the child — she’ll get ideas!
54. TURTLETAUB: TV pitching is like the Israeli flag: It’s nothing without a big star.
55. PRINCESS CAROLINE: Tony Shaloub?
TURTLETAUB: Tony Sha-whob? This is WhatTimeIsItRightNow.com, not WhatTimeIsItFifteenYearsaAgo.geocities.com/MonkFanPage!
56. GREGORY SUNG: I know of you, but not through your work. I’m Gregory Sung, and I only watch foreign films. That’s my deal.
EPISODE 11: “TIME’S ARROW”
57. GRANDFATHER SUGARMAN: Stop making books your friends. Reading does nothing for young women but build their brains, taking valuable resources away from their breasts and hips.
58. HIGHWAY SIGN: Now Entering California. Hippies Welcome! Gays… Not Yet.
59. LITTLE BOJACK: I’m not a baby, I’m six.
FATHER HORSEMAN: Yes, wah-wah, ha-ga, goo-goo!
LITTLE BOJACK: I’m forming sentences!
FATHER HORSEMAN: Oh, and I can’t? Everyone’s a critic!
EPISODE 12: “WHAT TIME IS IT RIGHT NOW”
60. WHATTIMEISIT.COM EMPLOYEE #1: I’m sorry, did you say newt time?
WRITER: No, no — new time.
WHATTIMEISIT.COM EMPLOYEE #1: Oh, so it’s not like a time full of newts?
PRINCESS CAROLINE: No. Unless you want it to be a time full of newts?
WHATTIMEISIT.COM EMPLOYEE #1: No, no, no, I’m just clarifying.
61. WHATTIMEISIT.COM EMPLOYEE #2: As we like to say here, there are little-hand ideas and big-hand ideas. And that’s a big-hand idea!
62. PRINCESS CAROLINE: It’s a phenomenal script that may or may not involve ghosts or newts.
BOJACK: Does it involve ghosts or newts?
PRINCESS CAROLINE: It may!
63. THRIFTY LODGE EMPLOYEE: We have zero ballrooms in this Thrifty Lodge.
64. HOLLYHOCK: What on-the-go jetsetter is demanding more honeydew in his or her fruit cup?
BOJACK: Nobody ever wants honeydew! But it’s always there.
HOLLYHOCK: It is literally the worst part of everything it’s in. It’s like the Jared Leto of fruits!