What would 'Episode IX' look like from the man behind 'Queen of the Desert'?

With Colin Trevorrow out as director of Star Wars: Episode IX, late-night television’s biggest nerd, Stephen Colbert, has some ideas for his replacement. The Late Show host imagined what the ninth chapter in the Skywalker Saga would look like with various directors at the helm, going so far as to cut together a trailer in the style of one of German cinema’s largest forces, Werner Herzog.

A narrator imitating the Queen of the Desert and Salt and Fire filmmaker begins, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away — as far away as a mother’s affectionate glance or the cold touch of your sobbing lover — the evil First Order seeks control of the galaxy, forgetting that the galaxy itself is not but the infinite void. This is the way of things.”

If that’s too bleak, Colbert also offered spoof posters for a Reservoir Dogs-pegged Episode IX from Quentin Tarantino, subtitled Everybody Shoots First, and a rom-com and Nancy Meyers-inspired take with What Wookies Want. But the Herzog spoof slogs on with the existential angst.

Even among talk of “the searing cut of the lightsaber” and “the unfeeling violence of our endless universe,” the narrator, too, is very much in love with the “spunky little robot ball” known as BB-8.

Watch Colbert’s Star Wars suggestions in the clip above.

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