The Defenders: Jessica Jones' 10 best wisecracks, ranked
In the words of Jessica Jones, 'Ugh, this is the dumbest'
When the things get rough, when the battle seems lost, when Black Sky prepares to crumble New York City to oblivion, or when Danny Rand gets carried away talking about his chi, you can always count on Jessica Jones to throw the largest eye roll the likes of which this world has ever seen.
Chalk it up to her morning cocktail of coffee and whiskey, but the strongwoman private investigator offers Marvel and Netflix’s The Defenders not only some much-needed muscle in the war against The Hand, but some deadpan humor to take these heroes’ egos down a few pegs — including “karate kid” Iron Fist.
The Defenders, which premiered on Netflix last week, at times became a superhero take on Everybody Hates Chris (but more like Everybody Hates Danny.). Everyone seemed to have a wisecrack to toss his way, including Daredevil’s martial arts mentor Stick, who said, “This one — the Immortal Iron Fist, Living Weapon, and protector of the ancient city — is still a thundering dumba–.”
So, the mystic warrior became an easy target for Jessica. Still, that wasn’t even some of her best stuff. Here’s a breakdown of some of her best one-liners — and, because this is the internet, we ranked them.
10. “Bullet proof, blind man, whatever it is you are…”/ “Classy.”
Never say the “H” word around Jessica. She doesn’t claim to be anybody’s hero. But she is.
9. “There’s nowhere to go. They’ll find me, they’ll hurt me.”/ “To be honest, if you hurt my friend, I’m gonna hurt you — worse.”
Nobody threatens Jessica’s friends, not even unhinged architects desperately trying to flee from The Hand.
8. “I have a soft spot for hopeless causes. That was a bad joke sorry.”/ “Barely.”
Jessica’s first encounter with Matt Murdock in lawyer form came in the third episode — and it did not disappoint.
7. “Let’s go, Iron Clad.”/ “It’s Iron Fist.”/ “I know.”
It was Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) in Parks and Recreation who taught us to purposefully call someone by the wrong name when they get too chummy. Here’s Jessica putting that to good use.
6. “Ugh, this is the dumbest.”
Insert this response into any possible situation.
5. “You look like an a–hole.”/ “It’s your scarf.”
The library is open and Jessica isn’t done reading Matt to the carpet.
4. “I’m the Immortal Iron Fist… Sworn protector of K’unn L’unn?/ “What are you on? Lithium?”
If you skipped watching Marvel’s Iron Fist before The Defenders, you’d probably have a similar reaction to Jessica hearing about chi energy and K’unn L’unn for the first time.
3. “Do you know what your problem is?”/ “Sentences that start like that.”
Jessica may not be physically faster than a speeding bullet, but she is when it comes to comebacks.
2. “If you grab me like that again, I’ll punch you so hard you’ll see.”
When Matt intercepts Jessica going into Midland Circle for the first time, he grabbed her once — and only once — before he realized she could take care of herself.
1. “You are the most full-of-sh– lawyer I’ve ever met, and I think we should stop and appreciate the magnitude of that statement.”
Sorry, Hogarth. This title belongs to Daredevil.
Marvel’s The Defenders is available on Netflix now.