Kids say the darndest things

By Nick Maslow
March 14, 2017 at 10:16 AM EDT

Kids say the darndest things, especially when they have a dad like Dax Shepard dropping the F-bomb.

On Tuesday's episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Shepard stops by for a chat covering everything from his questionable taste in furniture to the couple's lovely family, including daughters Delta and Lincoln, whose lexicon already includes adult language.

"The worst thing that can happen — if you have kids, you know this — the worse thing of owning them is they wake up so early," says the CHiPs star, explaining why he goes to great lengths to light-proof his daughters' room. "I don't know what they think they're going to do, but uh…"

"What do you mean owning them?" asks DeGeneres, laughing.

"Well, we own a couple of these kids," jokes Shepard. "We've got a 2013 model and a 2015 model, low miles if anyone's in the market. All highway. They're gorgeous."

To block light from waking them, Shepard covers their bedroom windows in aluminum foil ("It's like they're meth addicts") and puts a towel under the door ("They may suffocate"). The routine took a painful turn one night when Shepard slammed the bridge of his nose into a bookshelf, as seen in the Instagram below. "Almost blacked out, I let a couple m-f-ers rip," he says, making the audience crack up.

Before Shepard and Bell knew it, Lincoln began using Shepard's colorful language. "The worst part of the story is two days later Kristen's walking down the hallway," recalls Shepard, "and Lincoln's in her room trying to get this sweatshirt off — she's like 3 — and her arms are all bound up in it and she's getting frustrated and she goes, ‘Ow! F—!'"

The parents decided to pretend it didn't happen, but then the little one shared this observation at a pool party: "This pool is f—ing warm."

Let's just hope Lincoln doesn't pick up her father's creepy phone tendencies.

Watch Shepard and DeGeneres' funny chat above, and check your local listings to find out when the episode airs.

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