Real talk: Did you ever think you’d see a Justin Theroux-inspired bulge on TVLand? What a time to be alive! And while I fully realize the image was digitally, um, enhanced, I’d just like to take a moment to congratulate actor Peter Hermann’s wife Mariska Hargitay. *Slow claps* Of course, this photo couldn’t have come at a worse time for Charles, who’s on the brink of receiving the Women in Literature Charity Honors’ Oprah Award, for his philanthropic work with Books Into Buildings. So Diana tasks Liza with wiping the image from the web. Liza, in turn, taps savvy social networker Lauren (whose relationship with Maggie is turning toward the serious). And while she’s able to get the snap removed from several sites, it just keeps multiplying (the internet likes nothing better than a good d— pic), earning the nickname #TheEmpiriconda.
(Guys, maybe this betrays the immaturity of my sense of humor, but I’ve never laughed harder during a Younger episode…)
Liza’s non-Empiriconda task for the week? Helping Kelsey woo Millennial Print’s first author. Kelsey has her sights set on Jade Winslow, a 20-something fashion blogger writing a tell-all that’ll be like “The Devil Wears Prada but on speed.” Their first meeting with Jade and her agent Redmond (Michael Urie), doesn’t exactly wow. “Market strategies sound like something a sad dad would have on his LinkedIn page,” the fashionista says in regards to Diana and Liza’s pitch. Redmond calls later to tell Kelsey that Jade appreciates the fact that the label is run by young people but fears that Kelsey is basic. “She wants an editor she can have fun with,” he explains. So as a sort of test, Jade invites Kelsey and that “tall awkward girl” out to party. With their boyfriends. “She doesn’t want tonight to be a taco truck,” Redmond says lamely.
But we learn that night that Jade has ulterior motives: She once dated Josh and wants her revenge, throwing her drink in his face and storming out of the bar. And after hearing how Josh ended things with Jade, you have to feel at least slightly bad for her. After Jade refused to take no for an answer and repeatedly climbed up Josh’s fire escape (not a euphemism for butt stuff), he finally took up with a comely model right in front of Jade. Two birds one stone.
Kelsey does indeed lose the book deal, but consoles herself with the fact that Jade was a monster. “Well, everybody is somebody’s monster,” Liza says, echoing Maggie’s sentiments about her own ex-girlfriend Belinda. But it also gives Liza an idea. She and Kelsey, along with Josh, ambush Jade and force her to listen to Josh’s apology.
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“If you think this lame-ass apology is going to get me to sign with you, you’re wrong,” she spits.
“Would Harper Collins ever kidnap you and make your ex-boyfriend apologize?” Kelsey counters.
And their harebrained scheme just so happens to work. Jade accepts Millennial’s offer… with a cheeky #TheEmpiriconda tweet.