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December 23, 2011 at 05:47 AM EST

Congratulations, long-suffering Americans. It’s time to wake up! The three-month laser-y fever dream that has been season 1 of The X Factor has ended. [YAWN.] After a two-hour finale — featuring Simon Cowell guzzling something out of a Pepsi cup, Nicole Scherzinger rudely denying Thanksgiving spokesperson Steve Jones a spot at her Christmas card table, and “some incredible performances and Justin Bieber!” — the winner is….

Melanie Amaro!

This girl is not a penguin.

Melanie completely deserved to win, and the producers drove that point home by giving Melanie the coveted Love Actually treatment this time — twice! During Wednesday’s performance finale, third-place finisher Chris Rene got the treasured British Christmas film’s tinkling piano suite for his “tragic personal history” segment. I just assumed based on that alone that he would win.

But no! Melanie and runner-up Josh Krajcik both got the L.A. love during their clip shows on Thursday; plus, Melanie sang Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” It’s too bad Hugh Grant and Colin Firth weren’t hiding under those out-of-control-enormous candy canes to wrap up The X Factor‘s final Love Actually blowout with a giant bow. (“I hate Uncle Jamie!”)

It may seem like I’ve devoted two paragraphs to nonsense, but I’m just trying to mimic 98 percent of the finale. The show’s high points included but were not limited to: Ne-Yo’s shiny purple jacket, Melanie’s random “Edge of Glory” group number bangs, gold confetti threatening to corrupt Steve Jones’ magnificent widow’s peak, Drew’s joyous resurrection as a brunette, Leona Lewis’ shiny ponytail that literally seemed as if it had been yanked off of a magical pony, Josh Krajcik’s tears (“WOW, WHAT IS THAT?”), and Chris Rene’s mom Joni’s sassy leopard-print blazer. Truly a great night for hair.

Oh, and I obviously loved this.

During Josh’s “Please Come Home for Christmas,” there was a WOMAN IN A SNOW GLOBE. I’m home for Christmas, and I made sure to sing along with Josh, so I expect this entire contraption to arrive on my parents’ doorstep any minute now. I just need to figure out how to get rid of the woman and update the costume for Chicago weather.

Speaking of wetness…Nicole?

NEXT: Justin Bieber goes to town

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Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato, Kelly Rowland, and Paulina Rubio judge Season 3.
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