Shane's sexual exploration crashes headlong into his desire to rebel against his mother, Doug's new lady love just isn't feeling the love, and Nancy finds out what other lines she won't cross
Weeds, Mary-Louise Parker, ...

‘Weeds’ recap: Trouble down under

First off, big thanks to PopWatch maestro Gary Susman for taking over last week while I was under the gun of a looming deadline and pulling all-nighters left and right. Were it not for him, I wouldn’t have gotten my three hours of sleep last Monday, and EW might not have received its feature on time. So yay for Gary, from all of us here at Weeds Watch.

It’s hard to believe there are only two episodes left in the season but, as has been building for some time now, it looks like consequences are finally rearing their ugly heads and Nancy, for one, is having an especially hard time coping. We started out with not your most pleasant of breakfast conversation. While Shane and his groupies talked Pop Tarts, Nancy had other things on her mind — namely, the so-called science project of the night before. It was more like an experiment, flubbed Harmony. “Biology? Fascinating. Reproduction? Disease?” Nancy hammered. “I assume the presentation you three are working on will deal with those things in addition to volcanoes and wind?” Mom had to spell it out, and the girls took off in due haste, but Shane, who in the little time since the fam moved to Ren Mar, seems to have grown by leap years, couldn?t help but bark back, “Where were you last night?” Soon after that, Nancy completely lost her s—. She cursed Judah and forbade Shane from seeing “either of those scary little sluts again.” His retort stung down to the core: “Quit pretending to be a mom!” and she spanked him in response. At a loss, Nancy turned to her oldest son, trying to make sense of why this was happening to her. “You had boys,” said Silas matter-of-factly.

Dealing with her own set of boy problems, Maria woke up at Doug’s place a bit disoriented from the long trip getting there. “You passed out in the van, and I carried you up, like a bride,” Doug told his as-yet-unrequited love. Not surprisingly, his less-than-tactful attempt at some introductory nookie did not sit well with her. “We do not know each other,” Maria said as Doug dropped trou. “I am not some piruja [Spanish for “hooker”]; you must win my affection.” Which meant not even a boob on day one of this honeymoon.

Also settling in to her new home — at rehab — Celia and her group-therapy mates were given a road map of their near future: “All the pain will hit you at once,” the counselor said. “It will be excruciating. You’re all about to go to hell.” Recovering addict Barry, played by Bob Odenkirk (who, as viewers of Doug Benson’s hilarious documentary Super High Me would know, is not down with the weed), welcomed the chance.

NEXT: A new breed of cheeseheads

Meanwhile, at drug-front headquarters, Nancy was surprised to find the store closed on one of the mall’s biggest sale days. “I do what I’m told by men with semiautomatic weapons,” storekeeper Sanjay apologized. “I’m a total bottom that way.” Handing down the order was the “sexy, scary, beardy one” (Guillermo or Ignacio — who is more Sanjay’s type?) dropping another crate into the tunnel, only this time from the U.S. side. As usual, Nancy’s curiosity got the best of her, and not even a gunshot within inches of her head was enough of a deterrent. She kicked over the crate and discovered guns inside. “What the f—! This is supposed to be a pot tunnel!” she yelled at Guillermo, by then visibly annoyed by Nancy’s latest breach. “I know you ain’t as slow as you acted,” he growled. “It’s a tunnel, there’s no magical ‘weed only’ sign at the entrance.” The floodgates had opened, and there was no turning back.

You could say the same of the swift business over at the cheese shop, where “head cheese sandwiches” — six inches or foot-longs (presumably the difference between a quarter and a half ounce, judging by the price tag) were flying out the door. One problem, though: Not everyone was clued in to its organic ingredients. Vegan, yes, but also potent and expensive. So when one obese customer handed over a $5 bill, Lisa had to improvise, first telling the man he had the wrong sandwich, then saying they were out of bread. Once he started catching on, she finally blurted, “Sir, you’re too fat.” His reaction? “Your mom’s a rude bitch,” he said to Silas, threatening to write them up on Chowhound.

Back at rehab, Celia was asked to locate her “promise partner,” Barry, who was mysteriously absent from their group session, only to find him doing lines of coke in his room. As a commercial airline pilot with 17 years of experience, “I think I know how to sneak s— past security,” he bragged. “I can’t take these places sober.” Turned out that Barry had graduated from no less than four rehabs with little regard for the recovery process. But in a surprising turn, Celia didn’t cave in to her cravings. Instead, she offered to help her partner. “We can do this. Clean and sober!” she told him in her best 12-step speak. But Barry wasn’t buying it: “F— off! I was gonna share this with you. Now you’re bumming me out. I snuck this in up my ass!” Before the two could resolve their scuffle, in walked the counselor and caught them red-handed. “She was forcing me to snort coke,” Barry lied. “You gotta help me!”

Also looking to a friend for help, Doug went to Andy to try and make sense of the Maria situation. Sure, he was hard up, but it came down to something deeper: that Doug had spent 25 years with a woman who didn’t put out and now felt like he deserved some. “It’s been a day,” Andy pointed out. Bottom line: Times had changed. It was no longer the ’70s, when Doug drove a Camaro, and this woman, whom he smuggled in, was likely scared and feeling out of her element. Andy suggested simply talking to Maria, as he himself had done on the drive up. But Doug’s interest in her background only went as far as this: “She’s an orphan? Sweet! Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.” .

NEXT: Shane and Izzie get their party on

Sorting out tensions in Nancy’s relationship to Esteban, however, would not be so easy. Still hung over from the ayahuasca they took the night before, Nancy broke the Michael Corleone rule and asked her man about his business. She began by listing everything being transported through the tunnel: weed, heroin, cocaine, guns, girls….He stopped her there, but with the image of Guillermo’s “cousin” still etched in her post-trip mind, Nancy wasn’t convinced. As for the guns? They were going to “the people who want them,” Esteban explained, pointing out that trafficking was, in essence, allowing her to provide for her family. They parted amicably on this night, but a kiss was little consolation for Nancy, clearly torn about her passive involvement.

Nancy needed more illegal activity like she needed a hole in the head, and back at home, Silas wanted to talk business. The cheese shop was taking off, but he needed more space. “Secure space…larger, safer, away from where I sell,” he told his mom. His proposition: that they become partners. “Been there, done that, f—ed it up — twice,” Nancy said. Silas countered that they’d learned their lesson, but Nancy would only acknowledge that the lesson was not to do it anymore. “Lisa told me you’d say no,” Silas whimpered strategically, to which Nancy agreed to at least think about it. Bring on the battle of the moms!

Speaking of battles, Shane didn?t look particularly scarred from his tête-à-tête with Nancy earlier that morning. The science experiment with Harmony and Simone, however, was another matter. He described the threesome to Isabelle as confusing, brisk, and messy, but what would happen next? Would he dump his two biggest fans, who were watching him stalkersihly from a few tables away in the cafeteria? ?Why? Because the slap-happy drug dealer told me to? Screw that!? But while Shane liked to think he was tapped in to his mom?s shady dealings, he didn?t know the half of it — not the part about the maternity-store front or the fact that Celia?s coke likely came from there. Izzie had to fill him in, proving she?s just as cool as the ?do you party? twins, and then delivered the line of night: ?Depends on the party.?

You learn a lot about a person once you get beyond their flip-flop, and Maria was in for one rude awakening. Strolling along the shore with Doug, she discovered that he was not yet divorced, on the run, an admitted embezzler, and a kid hater, none of which sat well with her good-girl personality. Sure, he had his own warped justification for every misstep, but the final straw came when he actually did step right onto a child?s sand castle. ?It wasn?t a castle, it was a lump of sand,? he said without a hint of regret, as the kid stared deep into his soul and observed: ?You?re a bad man.? At that point, Maria wasn?t interested in talking anymore.

NEXT: Helping hands?

But Barry at the rehab was up for lots of chatter — and singing a very different recovery tune — one of shame and consequence, though it?s hard to tell how sincere. ?If it wasn?t for Celia Hodes, I?d be back in the air after 30 days, snorting lines off the dashboard and jamming blow up my urethra,? he ?shared? with the group. ?I wanna apologize to you, Celia.? Feeling loved and welcomed by her ?wonderful dysfunctional family,? Celia seized the moment to express her gratitude, only to be interrupted by an administrator. Turned out Celia?s insurance info was bogus, the policy number she gave to the facility belonged to someone who was not only deceased but also Korean. She would have to be transferred to the much grungier sister facility to finish her stay.

Hoping to shorten her stay at casa Doug, Maria finally confided in Andy: ?He is a terrible man….A criminal, a thief who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.? Andy saw it differently, but no amount of perspective could top Doug?s genital warts or the fact that he tends to insult everything that crosses his path. Like the two nice fellas who helped carry a bed frame — he shorted them $10 each and had this to say: ?Don?t pull that Mexican s— with me!? No wonder Maria begged for Andy?s help, and I?ll bet we all know where this is going.

Now, the Botwins have always had a vague sense of morality — soft drugs are okay, sex with a minor isn?t; selling out an innocent person for a crime you committed is forgivable, but being an accessory to human trafficking — absolutely not. And so Nancy was faced with a difficult decision upon discovering that Guillermo was funneling more of his supposed female ?cousins? in from Tijuana. She tried to inquire about their well-being, but the language barrier made that difficult. ?I?m not seeing this,? she simply whispered. ?You?re catching on,? Guillermo snapped. “About f—ing time.” Staring at the hole, Nancy contemplated her options but soon realized she had no choice: Guillermo had to be brought down. The next morning found her taking that crucial first step: she met with the DEA’s Captain Till and spelled it all out. Guillermo Garcia Gomez…

We?re getting close to the end here, and as in previous seasons, I?m expecting this one to go out with a bang. Will Maria and Andy hook up? Could Nancy and Esteban’s relationship survive her about-face on Guillermo? And what side of the wagon will Celia end up on?

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