Celia goes after Nancy, Heylia, Doug, and her husband; meanwhile, Nancy battles the blackmailing private investigator hired by Valerie
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Credit: Ron Jaffe
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”Weeds” recap: Neighbor rage

Uh-oh. Celia’s done figured out that Nancy is back in the game. Complicating matters, Celia’s broke — making her crankier and more soused than usual — and also knows about the MILF seducing her man, Sullivan. Is this the catastrophic turn of events we’ve been waiting for? Damned if I know. This season, I’ve felt a little like one of those procedural-show detectives whose Spidey sense tells them that there’s something big going on but who don’t have any solid leads yet. That DEA ”inquiry” into Peter’s death didn’t really go anywhere. That plot with the Tres Seis didn’t really go anywhere. That subplot about the death of Andy’s Army buddy, Rodriguez, didn’t really go anywhere. Marvin’s bid to be kingpin, Doug’s and Sullivan’s rivalry, heck, even Andy’s career in porn — in my estimation, they all sort of puttered out. As such, I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern, waiting for the impending finale to give me direction (hey, better late than never) and wondering, perhaps in vain, about what could result from this week’s developments.

And what did I see? Majestic, the new evil empire, has gobbled up the city of Agrestic, leaving Doug & Co. to fight for their council positions. The ”cankle b—–” lady running the show likewise vowed to probe Doug’s investment in Aguatecture. Guess his life isn’t as charmed as we’d thought. More ominously, Celia has instigated her own little investigation into Aguatecture after hearing her new mortal enemy Nancy mention the company to Sullivan. Her chase led her to Heylia’s front, where she spotted Conrad (oops!), although her bullying tactics proved fruitless in the face of the tough-as-nails Heylia. (Yay, our girl’s back! If only briefly!) But, you see, Celia is used to being the alpha female in the room; maybe that’s why she went all Jack Bauer on Dean, torturing him and his man parts until he gave up info about the fountain biz.

Clearly, her ballsy strategy was way more effective than Valerie’s (though just imagine if the two ladies teamed up). Peter’s no-BS ex-wife, who it turns out knew about his felonious hobbies, set an intriguing plotline in motion by hiring a private detective to get that $119K in life insurance she’s convinced is hers. ‘Atta girl, Val. You stick it to the rich folk! A shame, then, that fate/luck/God still won’t give her a break. She lost out on that money when her small-time sleuth, privy to wife No. 2’s illegal operation, decided to blackmail Nancy for $50K. Of course, we learned last episode that Spacey Nancy is now totally Playa Nancy. So she had the presence of mind to wear a mike to capture the PI’s bid for free cash and give a shoutout to alleged phone tapper to the stars Anthony Pellicano. Who does this PI think Nancy is anyhow? This brick-dancing vet’s a drug dealer, man. And if we weren’t yet convinced, Nancy’s sneaky maneuver here confirmed her commitment to dealing. (Nice detail, by the way, delegating the young Shane to high-tech duties, while her eye-candy older son does the heavy lifting back at the farm.) The only chin scratcher here is why Nancy ultimately gave the gumshoe his money anyway. He seemed surprised, too. Perhaps it was to dissuade him from trying something funny? At any rate, the jig is up for Valerie. But I hope that doesn’t mean she’s gone for good. Nancy can’t afford to lose any more buddies, as tenuous as this friendship can be.

NEXT: Mary-Kate Olsen’s emotional side

On the domestic front, Silas — a pupil in the marijuana arts — is boning up on some literature. Footnote: The book he’s reading is Pot Culture, co-written by none other than EW’s own Shirley Halperin, an awesome senior writer with an exhaustive knowledge of music — and apparently other things.

Anyhow, it was here that we learned that Silas’ petite, dopey, churchgoing-virgin girlfriend is, at least emotionally, a bit of a slut. She’s using Silas for his corporeal offerings and seeing some dude named Kenneth for more cerebral needs. Despite Silas’ not-so-compelling plea for Mom to give Tara the ax, it looks like she’s here to stay for purely fiscal purposes. (And I, for one, look forward to searching for signs of a facial expression from the cute, cardboardy Mary-Kate Olsen.) In other dealer news, there’s still no sign of a showdown between Sanjay — totally rocking the pink this week — and Clinique over their gestating bundle of joy. We’ll momentarily forgive the Weeds writers for their continued forgetfulness concerning this plot point, only because it led to Andy rattling off the episode’s best line: ”Hey, Sanjay! Looking mighty, mighty homosexual today. Way to own it, sister.” Not gonna argue with that one. Now when do we get to check out this North Valley gay pasta night?

What do you think? What will Celia do next? Will Valerie strike back? And will the oppressed former council members of Agrestic rise up?

This week, the theme song, ”Little Boxes,” was covered by Michael Franti. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it an 8.

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