Vanderpump Rules - Season 7
Credit: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo

The world may currently be as messy as Jennifer Lawrence’s accent in Red Sparrow but at least we can all take comfort in the fact that Vanderpump Rules (a Lawrence favorite) is back on television for its seventh(!) season. These horny but kindhearted West Hollywood denizens are the TV lithium I need in my life right now.

First off, we get a brand-new opening sequence in which it appears that Lisa Vanderpump has whipped off a cape as she enters Sur. I AM HERE FOR THIS.

After all that slo-mo, it’s business as usual as we meet Lala and Scheana headed to work and talking about Lala’s preferred weight window (it’s 120-123lbs., FYI). Lala and Billie seem to have weird tension but, then again, it might just be Billie’s turn to be hated by Lala. Everyone has to fight with her at some point but two seasons later they’ll be holding hands and getting piercings.

We pick up with Jax and Brittany at home and they’re quite the happy couple again. It was obviously real touch and go with them last season. That tends to happen when your boyfriend hooks up with a former co-worker in front of a sleeping senior citizen. Jax turned down that “Florida hockey opportunity,” a.k.a. the fake job he invented, after realizing that Brittany was the best thing in his life. Britt is also super psyched because Jax is like a changed man and even buys her tampons. Small victories, Britt. But just as you think times have changed, Jax lets out a horse-sized fart.

Brittany and Jax recap how they’re both super upset with James. (You can’t see but I’m making a “big surprise” face right now.) Apparently, the British DJ rapped about Jax and Faith and their hook-up a few weeks ago at his “See You Next Tuesday” party. Brittany happened to be there working and felt humiliated by the whole thing. Jax has since sent James a series of threatening texts.

Finally, Britt and Jax head over to Sur for her shift. James is there setting up for the aforementioned Tuesday soiree. Jax immediately storms in and wants to talk to James in the back alley but James refuses. Jax tells him that he won’t be invited to any more “events” and he’s especially hurt after he bought James a gift: limited edition Supreme underwear. With any other cast, I would find this detail odd but I honestly didn’t even flinch upon learning this reveal.

Jax leaves Sur and then heads to meet Schwartz, Stassi, and her new boyfriend Beau for drinks. Beau seems super nice, kinda like the lost Duplass brother or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had guest-starred on Superstore. Pretty much almost immediately when he arrives, Jax announces to the group that he’s proposing to Brittany. He’s actually told a bunch of people, including a hot dog vendor, which makes me wonder how close he is with this wiener salesman.

Later, Lala, Katie, and Kristen all go get piercings. The consensus amongst the group is that everyone is over James. He and Lala got into a big fight at Coachella (obvs) when he insinuated that he and Lala were intimate in front of her new boyfriend. More importantly, Kristen has a super cute new bob and is referring to herself as the “mutha f***in’ Karma police.” Question: does Kristen not remember all the bridges she’s burned over the years? I feel like karma is not her lane. Don’t @ me. In any case, she’s out to ruin James this season.

We don’t get a lot of Lisa action in this episode because she’s still dealing with the tragic death of her brother five weeks ago. There is a brief meeting between her and the Toms about TomTom. She’s mostly concerned they’re going to slip CBD oil into one of the cocktails.

Jax goes with both Toms and purchases a ring that supposedly costs about $70,000. But this is also at a jeweler with a very noticeable (and janky-looking) window A/C unit. I have my doubts. On the big day, Jax can’t fit the ring box in his pocket so he sticks it down his pants. Romance! He and Brittany head to a Malibu restaurant that has both fried shrimp baskets and porta-potties, which is good because Jax earlier states that he really needs to take a dump. Romance!

I will admit for how much I make fun of this show, I got a little misty during Jax’s proposal. Even though this show is nuts, there’s an element of true friendship and emotion to it all. It sorta felt sweet…or as sweet as it could be for a proposal that began in Jax’s crotch.

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Vanderpump Rules
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