By Tim Stack
April 29, 2019 at 10:00 PM EDT
Nicole Weingart/Bravo
type
  • TV Show
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Genre

Well, that wraps up another season of America’s Favorite Show About People Who (Sorta) Work at SUR, Vanderpump Rules. It was actually a fairly non-dramatic climax if you don’t count Scheana’s messy romantic life.

Most of the episode unfolded at Jax and Brittany’s fairy-tale themed engagement party which actually looked kind of cute but also like it was the back garden at Pump. Like they coulda thrown it there and probably saved $14k but don’t mention that to Jax.

Scheana is worried about the party because Adam is still upset with her for sleeping with male model Ethan. To win him back, Scheana has done the totally normal and logical thing of adopting him a penguin. Who IS this woman? She certainly doesn’t bring up the penguin adoption on the party bus everyone takes to the venue. The tension is clear from her and Adam and also the fact that it’s not a huge bus and everyone can basically see everything. After a few drinks, she reveals to Stassi that Ethan, um, went downtown for thirty minutes on her while Adam refuses to do said deed. Stassi is in shock and Adam is likely overhearing this since it’s like a 500 sq. foot space.

Once everyone gets to the venue, Brittany decides she’s gotta bite the bullet and reveal to Lala that she’s not one of Brittany’s bridesmaids. Knowing Lala’s penchant for drama (see: this weekend’s feud with “Fofty” Cent), Brittany is naturally nervous. But Lala actually takes the news pretty well, though, it’s hard to tell because she’s wearing a “headpiece.” She does sorta put salt in the wound by gifting Brittany and Jax with a trip to Cabo on Randall’s PJ. I feel like this group should maybe stop going to Mexico together.

Schwartz decides he should confront Adam, who is clearly upset about Scheana. Adam tells Schwartz that Scheana slept with another dude and Schwartz sorta understands the issue. “Once a penis goes into a vagina, it becomes very intimate,” the very wise Tom Schwartz reveals. Adam decides to walk over and talk to Scheana. Well, “talk” is probably not the word—they mostly yell at each other. It’s clear he has some kind of emotional reaction to Scheana but he tells her flatly that he does not love her. She then says she prob slept with Ethan to get Adam to make a choice. But also says she thought about Adam the entire time. And that’s where things REAAALLLY go downhill.

Adam storms off and Scheana grabs him and the two sorta spin around a few times, each say “Stop!” about 10 times, and then each say “Please!” about 10 times. Finally, Adam just forces Scheana to let go. She returns to the couch and cries while holding her penguin adoption letter. Poor Spot will never know his adopted father.

Ariana decides the engagement party is a proper time to confront Lisa about an interview she gave where she made fun of the Toms for going to Mexico. She says that the guys work really hard and it diminishes their efforts if LVP says things like that. You can tell Lisa is just like, “Uh really gurl?” It doesn’t help that Sandoval is doing a beer bong while they’re having this discussion. But, ultimately, it seems to go fine and LVP doesn’t get mad.

There’s a lotta talk about whether or not Jax is a changed man and it seems like he is. Brittany’s dad is a little nervous about it but LVP tells him Jax is different. Sandoval even lists off Jax’s history of lies, including starring in Apocalypto 2 and living with Channing Tatum, which seems to have been tampered (Also couldn’t these lies have been easily fact-checked?).

Meanwhile, two people who have not changed at all, James and Raquel, are having dinner at SUR. Obvs, Raquel orders the goat cheese balls because she’s THAT girl. She also says she’s interested in getting a job because, in her words, “Women today are so involved in the workforce.” Is Raquel secretly possessed by a 1920s-era male senior citizen? That might explain the eyes.

Back at the engagement party, Scheana continues to cry, mostly on Brittany’s grandmother’s shoulder. LVP makes a nice toast to Jax and Brittany. Britt and Jax then do their own toast with Britt tearing up and pledging that she’ll never give up on Jax.

Before she leaves, LVP does a beer bong—a bedazzled one—with the two Toms. It’s the first one for the British gal who doesn’t much like beer. Apparently, people can change.

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type
  • TV Show
seasons
  • 5
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Premiere
  • 01/07/13
Status
  • In Season
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