Vanderpump RulesSeason 7, Episode 9 (screen grab)CR: Bravo
Credit: Bravo

It feels like TomTom began construction in 1999. This has been one helluva gestation period. It’s like a Kate Hudson pregnancy: It feels like it’s taken longer than normal. But we’ve finally arrived at debut time. In case you hadn’t been listening for the last few episodes, there’s a Daily Mail TV party happening at TomTom and everything needs to be ready in time.

Speaking of Toms, Schwartz heads over to James’ apartment to check on his set list for the party. James is composing a hand-written note to Lala’s man, Randall, as an apology. Like it literally starts “Dear Randall,…” It made me LOL. But it only made Raquel angry since she still hates Lala and doesn’t see why James needs to make peace with her. Question: What is Raquel’s day job? Is that something that exists? She seems to be home a great deal. But I digress…So then Raquel announces that she’s planning on going to Girls Night In after Billie invited her. This seems completely hypocritical to James (and the viewers), he storms out and then returns in tears. For the record, I would still like to say that the name Girls Night In doesn’t really make sense.

Scheana and Lala meet at a café for a little catch-up and flirting with the barista. Scheana is really embracing this single life…although is she actually single? She can’t believe that Lala hasn’t heard that she and Adam are sleeping together. For someone keeping things “casual” and sans label, Scheana sure does announce this FWB relationship A LOT. “I would rather just hang and bang,” she admits of her time with Adam. You just know she’s already copyrighted “Hang and Bang” for her next party single. Lala announces she wants to take all the ladies away for the weekend for wine tasting in Solvang, CA. And more importantly, they can take the “peej” which is Lala’s new term for Randall’s private jet (previous terms for “peej” include “pj”). “It’s like how Eskimos have 50 words for the word snow, Lala has 50 words for the word private jet,” says the aforementioned reality star. It’s only a 2-hour drive to Solvang but Lala doesn’t like being in a car for lengthy periods of time so they’re taking the jet FOR A 20 MINUTE FLIGHT. I’m pretty sure Al Gore would not appreciate Lala’s carbon footprint. She also basically tells Scheana the other girls will never not be annoyed with her because…well…she’s annoying. Sorry boo.

It’s finally time for TomTom to open but there’s a few problems: No A/C. No ice. No toilet seats. Sooooo, it’s sort of a soft open. There’s also no Kristen. Lisa goes over the guest list with the two Toms and they mention that they’ve invited her and she puts her foot down. Cut to Kristen in her party dress, all ready to go, getting the text from Schwartz that she’s been denied. Cut then to Kristen in her PJs in bed and eating spaghetti. I mean it’s not like she has always been a VIP guest. She does have a tendency to throw things, like punches.

Back at TomTom, the titular pair are finally seeing their dream come true and it’s kinda moving. I mean it’s not as tear-inducing as like a Pixar movie but it’s sweet to see them succeed. On the opposite end of the spectrum, James shows up to DJ and is informed there is no DJ booth and that he will be spinning from a windowless closet. To add further humiliation, he’s given rolls of toilet paper to sit on.

The party seems to go well aside from a lack of “aquafaba,” which is the liquid that is in cans of chickpeas and can apparently stand in for egg whites. Schwartz freaks out and says “aquafaba” like 5 times which I assume conjures the demon of the same name. He runs across the street and gets more cans of chick peas and the crisis is solved.

Jax has a sweet moment with Lisa where he congratulates her and she wishes him a happy 39th bday. He’s a little sad because he and his mother aren’t talking at the moment. Lisa says she can’t imagine not calling her child on his or her birthday. She could be feeling emotional, though, because she’s getting TIZZZANKED. By the end of the night, Lisa seems like she’s had one too many aquafaba drinks. But after an endless pregnancy, her baby bar has finally been born.

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Vanderpump Rules
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