Vanderpump Rules recap: The crying game
What Katie wants for Christmas is for James to get the old heave-ho. Lisa asks for her biz partner Nathalie’s advice. If Vanderpump is ever made into a movie, Nathalie will be played by Isabelle Huppert. Nathalie claims they’re making 20% more every Tuesday because of James. Can we run those numbers?
Billie Lee is having her final surgery to complete her transition and invites Ariana and Scheana along for the ride. She’s getting fat sucked out of her body and put into her butt and hips. Scheana is moving to Santa Monica and is having James help her with all her stuff. But then she plans on reading him the riot act over how he’s treated Katie. I hope that’s at least after he moves her couch.
Sooo Jax and Brittany are starting a beer cheese company…but haven’t actually made their own recipe yet. It feels like this would be a moment to use nice cheese and nice beer but instead, Britt just drops a full can of Bud Light into the mix. OMG Jax is the “business” side of this endeavor. Hahahahahaha. He doesn’t even know the code to his computer. Then, he openly admits he has zero idea how to actually run a business. There’s the Jax we know and love. What’s really going to slow them down is the paperwork, literally, because Jax doesn’t own a printer.
Scheana still has her wedding wine glasses featuring doodles of her and Shay. Um, I think it’s time to break those glasses, lady. She instead leaves them in her cupboard for the next renter. That feels like some real bad juju. James comes over to help and pretty much does all the manual labor while Scheana texts and stares at the boxes. After he’s moved the majority of her stuff, she sits him down and says, “I don’t feel like we’re close anymore.” LOL. Then follows it up with, “First of all, you’re not my best friend. I feel like we’re more like surface level party friends.” Needless to say, this chat does not go well. She ends up calling him names and he walks out. It’s unclear whether he lit all her stuff on fire Waiting to Exhale-style or actually delivered it.
Jax and Brittany have some of the gang over to try their beer cheese but mostly to talk s— about James. Katie tells them all about her ultimatum to Lisa and admits she’s ready to walk away from Sur. Ummm who’s bringing in the $$$$ then in that household? TomTom isn’t even open yet. This feels like a business plan created by Jax.
James has his whole family to dinner for his younger brother’s graduation from college. He gifts his brother $5,000 which….like whaaaa? Where in the hell did he get an extra $5k? Maybe Nathalie is right? And then he treats for dinner! WTF is happening. They then head to See You Next Tuesday (his parents must be so proud) where James complains that DJing sober is like reading, a.k.a. boring.
Lala returns from the premiere of Gotti in New York (James reminds everyone the film has a 0% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes) which her boyfriend produced. She’s “working” during See You Next Tuesday but as soon as she arrives she sits down with Lisa and then takes a break to confront Raquel. That being said, Lala is a gift and she does a reaaaal good Raquel impersonation. She basically tells Raquel she’s just being completely ridiculous about James. Apparently, Raquel thinks that Lala and Logan were both talking behind her back but Lala snaps and says they were talking about her father’s passing. Lala goes NUCLEAR.
After their heinous night, Raquel and James talk about what happened in bed. Raquel doesn’t like when people call her dumb because learning was a challenge for her in school. Hoooo boy. She apparently missed out on an ice cream party because she messed up her multiplication tables. Hoooo boy. James is stressed out about his meeting with Lisa and he starts crying. Most disturbing about it is that his eyes like turn a different color. It’s very Lord of the Rings.
At Pump, Lisa and the two Toms go through interviews for servers and bartenders for TomTom. Not shocking, Schwartz is the good cop and Sandoval is the bad cop. Schwartz loves everyone while Sandoval is asking people for pictures of their “craft cocktails.” In the middle of all this, James comes in to meet with Lisa. She doesn’t waste much time in firing him and James breaks down. It’s actually a little disturbing to see a grown man just weep at being fired. She admits that he reminds her a bit of her late brother which makes it even sadder. I sure hope Scheana doesn’t ask him to help paint her new apartment.