Vanderpump Rules reunion recap: Penis envy
Second, there was a lot of emasculating penis talk on the Rules reunion much like GOT.
Rules kinda went out with a whimper (also kinda like GOT depending on your finale feelings) with not a ton of drama and only a few tears. Here are the highlights:
- Lisa goes to comfort James after he storms off when Kristen goes in on his family.
- Schwartz now admits he put all the blame on Sandoval for inviting James to Mexico.
- James admits he became an “international DJ” by performing in Mexico with the gang last season. [Eye roll]
- “I love my d—!” Schwartz discussing his manhood.
- There’s a lovely discussion of what a “classic d—” means and then Katie refers to Schwartz’s as “average.”
- Stassi reveals that she actually found text messages that Patrick cheated on her.
- Kristen and Beau were in an “independent film” together which feels like code for porn but all they did was kiss. And that’s how Stassi met Beau.
- Katie thinks Stassi’s “dark passenger” and “Tequila Katie” should be friends. Maybe a CBS sitcom?!
- Carter not paying for things is the main reason why he and Kristen finally broke up. But she says if she’d ever marry someone, it would still be Carter. Mmmmkaaaaay.
- She and Carter are still living together though after their dog got attacked by a pit bull. They don’t sleep in the same bed but they’ve had sex twice. Romance is alive in WeHo!
- Everyone had Montezuma’s Revenge in Mexico or, as Jax puts it, “severe anal leakage.”
- Kristen admits she still thinks that Sandoval and Ariana did something while she and Sandoval were together but doesn’t care because she’s so happy for them.
- Lala has now been invited to be one of Brittany’s bridesmaids. Clearly that trip she gifted Brittany and Jax on Randall’s PJ worked!
- One of Jax’s lies was that he was in a Chanel ad.
- Jax still claims that he lived with Channing Tatum in a “model apartment.” Brittany pleads with Channing to confirm.
- Jax was honored that Lisa compared him to Ken but didn’t understand that it was not actually a compliment.
- Ethan, the model that Scheana went out with and enraged Adam, met Scheana at Watch What Happens Live in L.A. He was fanning Nene Leakes!!
- Scheana also revealed that Adam has since, um, taken the elevator to her lower level so to speak.
- Jax considers himself not to have a mother at the moment. Brittany pleads for his mom to call her son.
- Schwartz wraps up the reunion with a message for the haters: “My wife is beautiful and sexy. Suck my classic d—!” Very apropos.