Vanderpump Rules reunion recap: Penis envy

It feels appropriate that Game of Thrones would end hours before the final Vanderpump Rules reunion. First off, Stassi and Ariana LOVE that show.

Second, there was a lot of emasculating penis talk on the Rules reunion much like GOT.

Rules kinda went out with a whimper (also kinda like GOT depending on your finale feelings) with not a ton of drama and only a few tears. Here are the highlights:

• Lisa goes to comfort James after he storms off when Kristen goes in on his family.
• Schwartz now admits he put all the blame on Sandoval for inviting James to Mexico.
• James admits he became an “international DJ” by performing in Mexico with the gang last season. [Eye roll]
• “I love my d—!” Schwartz discussing his manhood.
• There’s a lovely discussion of what a “classic d—” means and then Katie refers to Schwartz’s as “average.”
• Stassi reveals that she actually found text messages that Patrick cheated on her.
• Kristen and Beau were in an “independent film” together which feels like code for porn but all they did was kiss. And that’s how Stassi met Beau.
• Katie thinks Stassi’s “dark passenger” and “Tequila Katie” should be friends. Maybe a CBS sitcom?!
• Carter not paying for things is the main reason why he and Kristen finally broke up. But she says if she’d ever marry someone, it would still be Carter. Mmmmkaaaaay.
• She and Carter are still living together though after their dog got attacked by a pit bull. They don’t sleep in the same bed but they’ve had sex twice. Romance is alive in WeHo!
• Everyone had Montezuma’s Revenge in Mexico or, as Jax puts it, “severe anal leakage.”
• Kristen admits she still thinks that Sandoval and Ariana did something while she and Sandoval were together but doesn’t care because she’s so happy for them.
• Lala has now been invited to be one of Brittany’s bridesmaids. Clearly that trip she gifted Brittany and Jax on Randall’s PJ worked!
• One of Jax’s lies was that he was in a Chanel ad.
• Jax still claims that he lived with Channing Tatum in a “model apartment.” Brittany pleads with Channing to confirm.
• Jax was honored that Lisa compared him to Ken but didn’t understand that it was not actually a compliment.
• Ethan, the model that Scheana went out with and enraged Adam, met Scheana at Watch What Happens Live in L.A. He was fanning Nene Leakes!!
• Scheana also revealed that Adam has since, um, taken the elevator to her lower level so to speak.
• Jax considers himself not to have a mother at the moment. Brittany pleads for his mom to call her son.
• Schwartz wraps up the reunion with a message for the haters: “My wife is beautiful and sexy. Suck my classic d—!” Very apropos.

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• Vanderpump Rules recap: You make me wanna Lala
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