By Tim Stack
April 15, 2019 at 10:00 PM EDT
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If you ever felt like Vanderpump Rules was too sunny and cheery then boy do I have an episode for you! This week’s installment included discussions of death, sobriety, and evil demons which, to be frank, is not what I expect in my Bravo programs. But, alas, here we are…

We open with Katie announcing to Lisa Vanderpump that she doesn’t really wanna do Girls Night In anymore. Why am I not surprised by this? She’s a little overwhelmed by how much work it all is. Um, gurl, then why did you take it away from James? Like, let him have his night and just avoid the place. Meanwhile, LVP is very much not here for Katie’s laziness. She suggests that Katie keep taking all the gigs she can since her husband’s check bounced hard. Then, she gives Katie some dirty plates to take away. Excellently played, Vanderpump.

VANDERPUMP RULES -- Pictured: (l-r) -- (Photo by: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo)
Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo

James goes to visit Sandoval and Ariana at their apartment. Naturally, Sandoval is playing his penis flute as James arrives. They tell him Mexico was terrible which…was it? It seemed okay compared to some of the real insane trips they’ve taken in the past. Sandoval then brings up Billie wanting James to DJ her next brunch but Lisa still won’t let him. James flips out, as usual, and storms out of the apartment…but then comes back. He starts yelling at Sandoval and Ariana like it’s their fault but they were just delivering the message. Then come the tears. One thing’s for sure: James does not have the dry eye problem affecting Jen Aniston.

Meanwhile, Stassi is off shooting the cover of her book, which she still has yet to finish. But first impressions are everything so she arms herself with various basic props, like an iced vanilla latte. In her own words, she becomes Scheana. While Stassi is doing her best impression of Marina del Rey’s newest resident, Beau and Katie talk about Stassi’s “dark passenger,” a.k.a. the insane woman she becomes when she drinks. They both agree she’s gotta pull it together.

Jax and Brittany return to their therapist’s office, which, sadly has still not undergone any kind of new decoration. There’s still the bad A/C unit in the window (which also has bars on it) and some really sad looking plants. Brittany admits that she still has moments where she doesn’t trust Jax and he’s shocked by this. Um helllurrrrrrr. I’m surprised the therapist didn’t stand up and throw one of the plants at him.

In keeping with this American Horror Story: Vanderpump Rules theme, Kristin and Ariana have a little date night before Lala’s music showcase. How did these two bond? I still really don’t understand. Kristin, for once, showcases some responsibility for her behavior in the past. It’s the 5-year anniversary of Ariana’s father’s death and apparently, Kristin was not a real nice lady back on the actual day. Sandoval wanted to go and see Ariana and Kristin throw a fit.

Even Lala’s showcase is pretty low-key and sad. She sings a couple of songs that are dedicated to her father and even shouts out her fellow Rules cast members dealing with parental grief, Ariana and Jax. It feels like Lala is truly going through something and she later confesses to Scheana that she blames alcohol for all her recent drama and decides to stop boozing.

Maybe the darkest moment of the episode is the puppy party thrown by Raquel and (sorta) James. First of all, to say the party was sparsely attended would be too kind. Second, the games were almost as janky as the flyer. Third, Raquel’s mom is kind of a horn dog. She meets Peter and like immediately gets fired up. Also, there’s both fake poop and real poop in the apartment, which feels like a very easy mix-up.

Schwartz attempts to rectify his bounced check by bringing Lisa and Ken $50,000 IN CASH. Isn’t PayPal an option? Or Venmo? Katie takes him to the bank and lets him borrow her purse/backpack to hold the money. She pays homage to Bonnie and Clyde by wearing a beret (or maybe she just picked it up on sale at Topshop). Schwartz then delivers it to Lisa and Ken at TomTom in a briefcase handcuffed to him. The two actually seem amused by it and thankfully no one got their arms ripped off by thieves.

Katie couldn’t be there for the drop-off because she took Stassi to see “The Oracle of Los Angeles.” While I didn’t necessarily expect this gal to live in a castle, her home was pretty, um, normal let’s say. The oracle, Amanda Yates Garcia, greeted the two gals and then immediately tried to sage Stassi. She mostly just screamed at her. The oracle basically thinks Stassi acts out because a demon is pushing her to do so. Some might just say she has trust issues but I suppose a demon is also plausible. Next to a portable fan, the group sits on the floor and attempts to wrangle Stassi’s demons. She admits that she feels “hot” when she gets mad at Beau (a good time to turn the fan on). But after the oracle dances around a bit, Stassi feels like a Super Mario Bros-esque cloud has parted. Let’s see how successful this ghostbusting has been after she’s had a few shots of tequila.

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  • TV Show
seasons
  • 5
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Premiere
  • 01/07/13
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