Vanderpump Rules Season 7 / Episode 14CR: Bravo
Credit: Bravo

It feels like we’re in a bit of a Vanderpump lull this week. The group is about to go on vacay which, of course, is the slasher movie equivalent of having sex or doing drugs. So this week’s episode just feels like the build-up to the main event, a.k.a. where everyone gets massacred.

TomTom is still not open yet. We’re inching to the debut date, but some stuff still needs to be worked on including something called the “POS.” Upon a quick Google search, it means “point of sale.” Look, I can open my own restaurant now! TimTim! Lisa is actually concerned that Sandoval isn’t around making sure everything is squared away, but Schwartz insists something important came up. Turns out, he needed to go motorcycle shopping for a bike with a sidecar for him and Schwartz. I feel like if you already have a homoerotic relationship, then arriving to a party Batman and Robin-style might not be best but, actually, maybe it’s most fitting? Moreover, the bike is like $10k and Ariana questions Tom if now is the right time to have a splurge purchase. He does not seem to care.

Schwartz’s triplet brothers are back!! But they kinda get edited out of this episode tbh. They come to see TomTom but, for some reason, do not stay for the opening night party. But Sandoval, Schwartz, and Jax do take them to a club to see James DJ. After James is done, the two Toms invite him to come on a group trip with everyone before TomTom opens, sorta like a bachelor party. Jax just stares at them like WTF. You know things are bad when even Jax Taylor is questioning the decision.

While Katie, Ariana, and Stassi go to a cat café called Crumbs & Whiskers (I feel like you don’t want whiskers anywhere near your food or crumbs but that’s just me), the fellas head to their local WeHo grocery store (I actually shop at that supermarket as well. Stars are just like us.). They decide that they wanna take a group vacay to Mexico so they call the girls at the cat cafe and list off exactly who is invited, including James. I’m surprised Katie didn’t throw a cat through a window. She is super not pleased that James has been invited and basically pulls seniority, banning him from coming.

The girls still haven’t talked or seen Kristen since the group therapy session. But Kristen is apparently pretending that everything is hunky dory via social media. She and Carter go out for their anniversary and it takes about 2 mins for them to start fighting. He’s not psyched that she shared personal details with Stassi and Katie. He’s really not gonna be psyched when he realizes he’s on a massively popular reality show and a lotta Bravo strangers now know he’s a cheapskate.

The next day, Stassi and Schwartz decide to go get waxes together. Why not? Stassi is immediately drawn to something called a Vajacial where she can get sparkly images put on her nether regions. She chooses lips and a crown and then makes a comparison to a Game of Thrones dragon that I still don’t really understand. Schwartz then gets like the only hair on his chest removed because he wants to seem sexier for Katie. I did not understand this decision either.

At the latest Girls Night In, Katie decides it’s time for Schwartz to talk to Sandoval and get this whole James situation straightened out. She also might be a wee bit tipsy because she snuck a flask into work. I am, in all fairness, somewhat confused by the particulars and the responsibilities that the “girls” have at this event. It looks like they’re waiting on people sometimes but then also just sitting around. And Stassi is being very liberal with the pajama theme.

Anyways, the Toms head out to the old Sur alleyway to hash out the James situation. What’s weird is that Schwartz acts like Sandoval is the one who invited James but I’m pretty sure they both did. Ariana comes out to yell at Schwartz because she’s tired of Sandoval always ending up the bad Tom. Then, Katie arrives and all hell breaks loose. The two start yelling at each other and Sandoval says a lotta hurtful but not completely wrong things. Katie ends up in tears and heads home with Schwartz.

But the next day, the two Toms reconcile and realize it’s for the best to disinvite James from the Mexico trip. They’re at TomTom figuring out the POS(!) system and James just “happens” to walk in. He tells Lisa that he’s doing really well with anger management and is doing these weird exercises where he basically pats himself. But then Sandoval tells James he can’t come to Mexico and James erupts into yelling and name-calling (Schwartz is now known as “the weasel”). I think he may need to get his money back from these therapy sessions. To be continued…

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