By Tim Stack
March 04, 2019 at 10:00 PM EST
Bravo
type
  • TV Show
Network
Genre

WeHo is rocked by the news that Lala and Randall have broken up….for less than a day…well 17 hours in Lala’s mind. Yup, it wasn’t really a breakup so much as a good night’s sleep separated from each other. Lala reveals that the pair had gotten back together at a girl’s night with Katie and Brittany. The latter were worried about her mental state and even bought her plastic baby bottles filled with booze to make her happy. You’ll never get that $4.50 back again, ladies. More importantly, Randall returned Lala’s Gucci slides.

Lala’s got even more reason to celebrate: She’s starring in a slasher movie called The Row. Apparently, it’s a challenging role because Lala was forced to dig deep and play “a prude.” Watch yo back, Olivia Colman.

Soooo is anyone else feeling like Vanderpump Dogs is becoming a thing? This reminds me of when Jake from Melrose Place showed up on Beverly Hills, 90210 and paved the way for that spin-off. The dude who runs that pink dog spot is Rules version of Grant Show. Pretty soon they’re gonna hire a DJ and start employing servers for biscuits and chew toys. Stassi, Beau, and Schwartz all stop by VPump Dogs for a little grooming on their pets and gossip with Lisa about Kristen’s terrible relationship. Stassi doubles down on the shade by explaining that Kristen is older and should be wiser about this situation.

Ariana and Tom have begun discussing buying a house. It all feels even more confusing because they have this conversation in their apartment where you can’t run the microwave and the air conditioning at the same time or the lights will go out. Are these two secretly rich!? TomTom hasn’t even opened yet! Anyways, Sandoval wants to push the baby issue again and ask how many bedrooms they should buy. Ariana is still just not into having kids and thinks it’s nobody’s business when their friends ask about their baby plans. Um, Ariana, nothing is sacred in this group. Perhaps you’re familiar with the “secret” of Jax having sex with Faith in front of a sleeping senior citizen. Later on the golf course (apparently these dudes golf now), Sandoval warns his buddies not to bring up the subject to Ariana, which just means Jax or James will DEFINITELY bring this up to her.

Before her big premiere, Lala takes Stassi to get their hair done. Lala gives Stassi the full origin story for her relationship with Randall. They met at Sur and she told him to look at her Instagram after he asked if she was an actress. Classic Hollywood tale. She got an audition for The Row, went out with Randall, slept with him on the first date, and ended up with a Range Rover the next day. They just don’t write love stories like this anymore.

After the premiere, the gals sans Lala head out to a bar to celebrate the cinematic achievement of The Row. Everything seems fine until they ask about Kristen’s relationship and she says it’s totally great. Now, days ago, this gal was a drunken mess all torn up about her romance with Carter. The girls, especially Katie, are confused and appalled. Also, not helping the Carter case is the revelation that he apparently went on vacation and took her wallet with him so he could use her credit cards. Couldn’t he ask to like Venmo someone? That feels less humiliating.

In better relationship news, Stassi gets to meet Beau’s mom Isa who’s a therapist with a yen for big hats. It’s actually a very sweet meeting and Beau says a lot of charming things, including calling Stassi his best friend. Awwww. Then, he leaves and his mom tells an embarrassing penis joke about him. Isa will fit right in on this show.

In fact, she offers to stage a group therapy session at Kristen and Carter’s apt. I feel like that’s like trying to ghost bust Hill House but YOLO, Isa! The weirdest part of this “party” is the dress code. Lala shows up in what I can only call “circus acrobat pants.” Scheana and Adam look like they came straight from the gym. Sandoval walks in wearing capri pants. It’s certainly a lot of lewks. Isa introduces the group to the “reptilian brain” which is the sort of primeval part of the brain that reacts angrily when pushed to emotional limits. There’s a lot of looks of recognition in this group of loons, let me tell ya.

But it’s actually helpful for Tom and Ariana. They have a fairly mature conversation about kids in the kitchen after she reveals to Sandoval that Jax talked about the golf course chat. I’m not sure anyone should be planning a baby shower immediately but they did not yell.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Carter confronts Katie and Stassi over them complaining to Kristen about him. They basically throw it back at him and say they only repeat things Kristen tells him. Then the lady of the house (Kristen) shows up and asks for no one to yell in her house. Then, she asks for no curse words to be used. Literal LOL. Finally, Stassi and Katie have to leave because Kristen starts to sage her bedroom. She basically stinks them out of the house, which feels more like a Jax move tbh.

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type
  • TV Show
seasons
  • 5
Genre
Premiere
  • 01/07/13
Status
  • In Season
Network
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