Jax tells Kelsey, the touchy Reiki healer, to call him by his name.
Credit: Bravo

I would never speak ill of Vanderpump Rules…but that was a bad episode. We’ve been cruising through some good ones for the last few weeks. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the drama has petered out and now we’re stuck with family visits. We need a new Sur sex scandal STAT.

So the big story is that Stassi is helping Lisa plan a party that will see her being crowned editor in chief of a magazine called Beverly Hills Living. That def sounds like something LVP would be part of but I can’t say I’ve ever heard of/seen that brand. It feels like a real limited newsstand presence. Stassi can’t help but give James a good jab about Logan before she departs to presumably go shopping for weirdly asymmetrical dresses.

Katie and the two Toms head to a suit store to pick out some outfits for Schwartz’s visiting triplet brothers. If you remember, they surprised Tom at the wedding and made him weep almost as easily as Sandoval during a conversation with Kristen. Sandoval is super excited to make-over the twins. But the suits look like rejects from Justin Timberlake’s halftime show wardrobe. They look like things Guy Fieri would glance at and say, “That’s a little much.” Schwartz does reveal that Katie has allowed the triplets to stay in their apartment, which is a big step for her. She’s gone from Tequila Katie to Chamomile Tea Katie, according to her husband. I feel like she’s more like Chamomile Tea With a Healthy Serving of Brandy Katie.

Stassi loves working for Lisa and all, but her real passion is her podcast [this recap’s author rolls his eyes]. For this week’s installment, she interviews Sur’s trans hostess Billie Lee. She tells Stassi that some of the girls, a.k.a. Ariana and Lala, warned her that Stassi is ignorant when it comes to life. Then, Stassi references this insane podcast she did a while back and it’s clear that Ariana and Lala had a point.

It’s then time for Lisa’s Now I’m a Journalist party. It’s like a time machine with appearances by Pandora and Kevin Lee, Lisa’s party planner. But there’s something wrong: Jax is MIA. He was supposed to be in charge of mixing equipment and he’s missing. He was apparently like getting his hair cut or something or maybe sleeping. It’s all very unclear. But he also seems like real uninterested in making Lisa happy and she senses that. She goes off on him and throws him out.

Meanwhile, Katie is passing around champagne and runs into Kevin Lee. He basically makes a comment about gaining weight and Katie walks away, acceptably upset. She tells Lisa about the encounter and starts crying. Lisa comes to her defense and then tells this story about how she first met Katie. Apparently, Katie fell through a skylight AND down some stairs like eight years ago? The details are murky because that sounds like some Catwoman/Batman Returns kinda stunt work. But that’s how Katie got that scar on her chin.

Everyone finally departs the weird magazine party and heads to Sur for James’ now iconic See You Next Tuesday party. One of the triplets asks James if he could request a song and it could not be cuter. I’m guessing it was something by Journey. Meanwhile, in the adjacent room, Katie once again talks about the body shaming that went down. Stassi then makes it all about her and talks about Lala and Ariana referring to her as ignorant. I meaaaaaan….

So Jax decides to go back to see Kelsey, the overly touchy Reiki healer lady. She and Jax sit in a too-small room, too close to each other and talk about his issues. He reveals that he’s actually currently seeing TWO different therapists, which is really not shocking. But then he tells Kelsey that he’d like her to start calling him by his real name: Jason. Can someone get Brittany on the horn and tell her to get the hell down to this Reiki office?

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