Vanderpump Rules recap: 'It's Not About the Pasta'
James has very strict rules about people eating his girlfriend's pasta. No. Seriously.
It’s gay Pride on Vanderpump Rules, which is a magical time of season when people drink straight from the bottle and show a ton more sideboob! It also is typically dramatic in some ways. BIG SURPRISE.
This year, the staff theme is “flower power.” The styling of the employees is basically Hair meets porn. To that end, there’s a lot of boob talk at the initial meeting between Lisa and Stassi, who’s in charge of the event. Stassi even shows Lisa photos of her own breast reduction surgery. What a time to be alive!
In an effort to center his friends, Peter takes the fellas — both Toms and Jax — to see his reiki specialist Kelsey. She helps the guys meditate and zone out so that they can come to some revelations about their lives. But she’s also pretty blunt, like she tells Schwartz that he’s “f—ing up” a lot of the good things in his life. Then, Jax starts crying and she offers him a hug. This is the point in the episode where I literally thought, “Oh Jax is going to have an affair with her.” Not a minute later, Jax considers moving in with this lady.
Brittany, Scheana, Lala, and Ariana all head to the dermatologist together because some of them need to get their Botox on. Lala is a proponent of good skin and says she’s been putting Vaseline on her face since she was a kid. Scheana just can’t get over these Rob rumors. She, again, says they’re nothing but also, again, says that Rob doesn’t even make out with her. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg’s Oscar-winning performance in Ghost: Scheana, your relationship in danger gurl.
Then, Brittany shakes things up and goes to hang out with the OTHER girl group — Katie, Kristen, and Stassi. They all dress in primary colors and check out an outdoor screening of La La Land. But mostly they order shots. Brittany, though, gets some attention from a waiter, which helps boost her ego.
Yet another group of friends — Logan, Lala, and James — head out to have some food and, well, mostly shots. James has been pretty well behaved this season but he orders double shots and that pretty much spells disaster. Lala makes an offhanded comment about eating some of Raquel’s pasta on and James flips out. He thinks it’s offensive and that she’s bullying Raquel. Then, he brings up her secret boyfriend, which is like Lala’s trigger. She then starts dropping F-bombs and storms out of the chicken restaurant. At the urging of Logan, James goes after her. He legit says, “It’s not about the chicken” three times, each time with a straight face. I predict there will be “It’s not about the chicken” T-shirts being sold at See You Next Tuesday any minute.
Schwartz and Sandoval head over to Tom Tom to, well, I’m not exactly sure what they’re doing. I think maybe they’re cleaning up? But they head over with construction masks and I guess attempt to make the construction less messy. Schwartz admits he got tanked the night before but, oddly, he and Katie didn’t get in a fight. They actually seem closer. But Lisa is not thrilled when she hears her new business partner was once again tying one on.
Kristen is hanging with her girls, Katie and Stassi, and drops a massive bomb: She’s been texting with Brittany’s mom and wants her to show up. Kristen is adamant that Brittany break up with Jax. THIS WILL NOT END WELL. I also feel like Kristen is the Cheryl Blossom of Vanderpump Rules. Riverdale fans, you feel me?
It’s finally time for Pride and Stassi takes the reins dressing everyone. Sandoval is fully into doing his own makeup, no surprise. But Jax doesn’t want to do anything. He’s not in the mood for Pride fun. Scheana is similarly still bummed about the Rob rumors. On Lala’s advice, she and Scheana “touch hearts,” which is basically just a hug. But Lala thinks it will help.
At Sur, Lisa is dressed up like she’s going to attend the Kentucky Derby. She introduces Billie Lee, the trans hostess, who gives a lovely speech about being employed by Lisa and feeling accepted. It’s enough of a gay miracle to even melt the cold heart of Jax, who bonds with Billie over going through a lot of trauma in life. It’s actually kinda sweet.
James is hanging out with both Logan and Raquel. He tries to explain his respective relationships with the two of them. So like Raquel is his girlfriend but Logan is his “party side.” Hmmmm k. At one point, both Logan and James accuse the other one of being in love with them. Raquel kinda just sits there like WTF.
Lisa notices Scheana looking super sad and skinny (Scheana has lost between 5-10 lbs, according to the cast). Scheana says she’s the happiest she’s ever been but does reveal this as she’s sobbing uncontrollably in the Sur dining room. Lisa throws it back to the Shay debacle and says that maybe Scheana tries to make things work too hard. Then, she goes and gets the girl some fries and a croissant sandwich. The latter was for one of Katie’s tables. WHOOPS.
James apologizes to Lala and she READS. HIM. Like she is not someone to get into a fight with. It is a truly delightful moment.
Jax and Brittany seem okay by the end of Pride. The next day they’re at their apartment and Katie and Kristen come in. Then, Brittany’s mom just appears. Britt is of course thrilled but Jax looks terrified. The frosted lip is sure to have some stern words for ol’ Jaxie. Cheryl Blossom strikes again!