Jax gets caught in another bad situation and is a horrible portrait artist
Credit: Bravo

Destiny’s Child actually had it wrong. Ladies of Vanderpump Rules, do NOT leave your man at home because they will def go out to bars, get blackout drunk and cheat on you. That is basically the lesson learned from tonight’s (and every) episode of Rules.

So we pick back up with Katie learning about Schwartz’s blackout indiscretion in Santa Monica. Because everything on this show needs to be done in group settings (Rules is like the “Leave no man behind” of reality shows), Katie decides to confront Schwartz with all their friends in their living room…while sipping on a neon bendy straw. Schwartz, though, doesn’t really have any answers because he can’t remember anything. Soooo we’re kind of at a stalemate. On the plus side, Jax bought a cooler that is also a motorized scooter.

Lala is officially back in the employ of Sur but can’t remember how the hostess stand computer works. So there’s gonna be some upset tourists from Nebraska hoping for a nice view of the bar and fried goat cheese balls.

Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany reveal that not only are they not breaking up but also they are hosting a housewarming party for their new apartment. Um Tim no understand.

Katie decides to take Lala’s first day back as an opportunity to talk drama, specifically Schwartz’s make-out. Lala tells her that not only did Tom make out with her friend but kept calling the rando girl “Bubba,” which we all know is their weird pet name and inspiration for bad wall art. Schwartz even has it tattooed on his butt.

Then, there’s a truly weird scene where the two Toms and Jax go back to the painting studio from a couple seasons ago and decide to each do a portrait of each other. Well, first they all paint penises on their smocks because they’re mature, over-30-year-olds. Then, they paint surprisingly good portraits of each other. Well, except for Jax. His portrait of Sandoval is just a lotta colored stripes. Maybe that’s what it’s like to be in Jax’s head? Just a lotta stripes and strawberry martinis.

While they’re painting, Katie, Brittany, and Kristen go and have drinks and gossip. So it turns out there’s another infidelity rumor creeping around: Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob, apparently kissed some gal at a different WeHo restaurant. This encounter was seen by someone named “Jen Bush” who also apparently works at Sur. I’m not sure why Jen requires a last name or if Bush is like part of her first name, like Sarah Jessica Parker. Anyhoo, Katie is pissed that Scheana got Lala all riled up and pushed her to divulge the Schwartz gossip so she’s ready to ruin Scheana’s week too.

Speaking of Rob, we get to see his house in this episode. It’s big and kinda empty like he just moved in or something…or doesn’t actually live there. He has dinner catered for Scheana, Ariana, and Tom. Scheana once again mentions getting married again, and, once again, it feels like someone should be playing a sad trombone. Sandoval also hints at having sex with Ariana again and that also gets a sad trombone response.

The next day Ariana and Lala go shopping together at a store that sells see-through jumpsuits. Obvs, Lala has been in the store before. They buy matching pink jean jackets and then discuss how Ariana doesn’t want Sandoval going anywhere near her nether regions. She had a previously emotionally abusive relationship and now feels highly insecure about things. Lala is, well, the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. Every morning, she tells each of her body parts that she loves them. Her hands are really good at, well, hand jobs and then her “kitty cat” is good at you know what.

Before the housewarming party, Kristen and Brittany try to break the news to Scheana while they put out the alcoholic gummy bears. I think they legit just soaked candy in vodka because the little bears look moist. Scheana doesn’t want to hear any of it. Besides, Rob never kisses her — it’s not his thing. They never kiss. Their relationship is strong. She’s still technically married but they can get married in July. HE NEVER KISSES. THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT. STOP LOOKING AT ME.

Finally, it’s time for the party. James brings Jax a toilet paper cake because Jax is a big turd. Everyone starts just getting wrecked…except for poor Schwartz who’s banned by Katie from having shots.

Ariana and Lala and James go out on the balcony and have some alone time but Lala reveals that there’s audio of Jax and Faith’s rendezvous. Faith sent it to James who then sent it to Lala, obviously. Lala plays it for Brittany and she is appalled. Not as much as when Jax admits he would have had sex with a squirrel, but she is maaaad. God willing, next week someone will barf out alcoholic gummy bears and we’ll hear the audio.

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