Vanderpump Rules recap: 'The Smoking Gun'
Rumors swirl that James and Kristen hooked up...and Sandoval wears several ludicrous outfits.
It feels like we’ve been on this Mexico trip for over a month…and we’re still there when the latest episode opens. The witches of WeHo — Stassi, Katie and Kristen — are just emerging from their rooms at, like, 2 p.m. and headed to the beach. Stassi is feeling refreshed since she took a sleeping pill right when she got home. Oh, and it also helped that Kristen didn’t come home until, like, 8:30 a.m. Katie then drops a bomb: Schwartz told her that James said he and Kristen hooked up last night. Then, DRAMATIC PAUSE and we cut to “12 hours earlier.” I love when this show plays with time.
So, as you would expect, 12 hours earlier the gang was still drinking heavily. They’re still at the club where Jax confronted Scheana. James asks the DJ if he could play his own song and Peter attempts to practice his Spanish. It could use a little more work.
To no one’s surprise, Kristen is LIT. She does what I can only describe as a humping split on the bar’s floor, which feels like not the most hygienic thing to do. She also begins to really be kind to James, which also feels odd and not the most hygienic thing to do. “I’m a really fun girl,” she says to James. Uhhhhhh, okaaaaay?
The next morning the Pump producers throw their best shade by showing everyone sleeping but then reveal that Kristen’s and James’ beds were both empty. Hahahahah. These producers are the best. Jax tells Brittany that he saw James and Kristen hanging out in their private pool. First of all, it’s confusing that these two were just hanging in the room while Jax and Brittany were asleep mere feet away. But Jax also makes a big point about the placement of two pillows near the private pool. They’re pushed together as if someone was sitting close. Also, Jax is like a low-grade detective. Like he could barely make it onto NCIS: New Orleans.
Despite vicious hangovers, all the men decide to go golfing. Schwartz is in real bad shape. He can barely remember the night before, aside from a lotta booze and those penis flutes. James is also still drunk while Sandoval is dressed like he’s in a Caddyshack reboot. Sandoval asks James if he was “hanging out” with Kristen last night and James says “a little.” Somehow all the guys hear that as him admitting to hooking up with her. James starts getting really upset and then references feeling bullied like in his childhood (cue a clip from the previous episode when Lala randomly brought up his leg being broken). But Jax is adamant: He knows what sex pillows look like. I mean if anyone knows…
Back at the beach, we’re finally caught up with the flash forward. Everyone has basically now been made aware of this hook-up rumor. As usual, Lala has the best response: “Once the d*** has entered one of your holes, it’s easy for it to re-enter.” Someone should needlepoint that and give it to Kristen. The rest of the group shows up and Katie is pissed. She can’t believe that her friends don’t trust her but then sage Stassi explains that Kristen has lied repeatedly about hooking up with people in the past. She does have a point, gurl.
But it’s also bonkers because the dudes all claim James said something that he definitely did not. Still, the even crazier moment is when Schwartz explains that he ended up in a completely different resort the night before. Staffers from the Andaz had to bring him back to his hotel. Katie is not psyched about that.
Dinner comes around and Sandoval has gifted everyone with short suits. In a smart move, half the guys decide not to wear them. Sandoval and James, though, go with the fashion “trend.” The gang all head to Catch for dinner. I love that when they’re in Mexico they just go to Los Angeles chains. Schwartz, though, says he’d rather be at Chili’s or Olive Garden.
Sandoval, dressed like a WeHo version of a Dick Tracy character, makes a toast thanking everyone and inviting them all to come see Tom Tom. Then, Kristen makes her toast, which is basically just her dragging James. He denies he said they hooked up and she just keeps at him. Finally, he flips out on her and she tosses her drink. Lala is hit by some of the excess tequila and is NOT having it. She flips out, too. Lala is cool with shoving someone, but throwing a drink is a b–ch move in her eyes. I would def read The Tao of Lala. Dinner is pretty much ruined. Happy Birthday, Jax!!! Enjoy Florida!!!