Guys, did you know Rob is super cute and super rich and really really loves Scheana? Oh but he doesn’t like to say the words “love” or kiss her. But things are going super well…according to Scheana…who also said similar things about her relationship with Shay. Oh and also she is no longer dating Rob IRL.
We’re back at Big Bear at Rob’s cabin, which he paid $375,000 for. We know this because he announces it while captaining his boat…which I’m guessing he also owns. But we open with Jax not in awesome shape. The drinking surely did not help, but Jax can’t even go for a job in this high altitude.
Meanwhile, Lala is inside the house hitting the sauce before Sandoval has even started scrambling the eggs.
Jax attempts to go for a jog but has to stop because of breathing issues. But mostly he’s just trying to look cool in front of Rob because Scheana won’t stop praising the dude. Jax even decides to swim out to a buoy but then gets too wiped out to swim back. He has to yell for the local lifeguard, who seems none too pleased to have to get in the water and rescue SUR’s horniest bartender.
After almost drowning, Jax goes inside to get some sympathy from his friend group. But folks seem more concerned about when Sandoval will be done with the eggs.
Back at SUR, Lisa is getting some new chandeliers, which, oddly, get a ton of screen time…maybe more so than Kristen this season. Stassi swings by in the midst of the chandelier subplot to invite Lisa on her podcast. Now, this podcast has yielded some real mixed results so, frankly, I was surprised Vanderpump would sign on for this. But I think the chandeliers mostly distracted her.
Katie then swings in to start wrapping silverware in napkins. Somehow she and Billie Lee and Lisa start talking about vaginas. Billie went to Thailand to get her surgery done and admits to Lisa, her boss, that she’s quite proud of her vagina. “My orgasms are amazing,” says Billie to her boss. Clearly, SUR has no HR department. I mean Jax would have been fired ages ago if that was the case.
Stassi tries to brainstorm podcast questions with Schwartz and Katie. But Schwartz just wants to know sexual things about Lisa. Stassi reveals that she and Patrick are — shocker — fighting a lot. Katie reassures her that there are millions of people out there for her. “But who likes psycho girls?” FAIR QUESTION STASSI.
Back in Big Bear, the men all take the boat out for a little bro bonding. This is when Rob reveals the price of his home and how he owns his place in L.A. and that he once almost married the Princess of Brunei. And now he’s dating a failed pop star and waitress at SUR. Time for some self-reflection, sir. He also reveals that he doesn’t return the favor when Scheana says she loves him. This sets off an alarm in Jax’s brain: He finally has something he can hold over Rob.
Raquel is also apparently on this trip, although you rarely hear her speak. She and Lala are having a normal convo about being part of the mile-high club. For the record, Lala has done it on a “PJ” but not commercial. Obvs. But Raquel mostly wants to tell her that she sorta feels uncomfortable with the relationship between James and Lala. Gurl, you are correct. Lala assures her, though, that she would never do that.
Like two minutes later, Lala hits the hot tub with James and they talk about how close they are. Hellooooo. Hot tubbing with your pal’s boyfriend after your pal said she feels uncomfortable with your closeness is sorta not awesome!
Stassi interviews Lisa for her podcast and it all goes pretty well. Lisa makes some nice points about women and ambition and philanthropy and relationships. Then, Stassi asks her if she’d rather swim in pool of poop or dead bodies. With barely a pause, Lisa chooses poop. I mean this is a woman who lives with about 20 mini ponies.
After Scheana makes everyone clean Rob’s house from top to bottom, she heads home and proceeds to listen to her own failed pop songs. Kristen, who at this point is like a recurring guest star, shows up to chat. Scheana reveals she and Rob have a new “business” where people sell their exes’ stuff. Um, I think that’s called revenge.
Kristen tells Scheana that Jax has been talking trash about her relationship. Scheana insists they’re stronger than ever and even have picked out their first daughter’s name (Madison Marie Parks Valletta or MMPV, which sounds like a mixed martial arts league). Scheana does not enjoy people raining on her don’t-say-I-love-you parade, so she plots revenge against Jax. But, again, she and Rob are no longer together so I think maybe Jax wins?