Vanderpump Rules premiere recap: Season 5, Episode 1
Brittany and Kristen may have reenacted the love scene from 'Bound,' but more surprising is Stassi's sharting admission
Does the Oliver Garden have oral-sex scandals? Prolly not. Has the staff of Chili’s attended magazine parties and mimed masturbation with drinks? Hard to believe. But that’s why the staff of Sur makes for magical, wondrous reality television.
There are few shows I look forward to as much as I do Vanderpump Rules. It’s like I’ve been in darkness and the sun is shining again, and said “sun” is wearing a T-shirt dress and delivering raspberry mojitos. It just feels warmer and more pleasant when Vanderpump Rules is on television. So let’s get to this fried goat-cheese-ball hour of television.
First of all, I’m saddened to see Lala has not made the opening credits yet. I would have hoped to see her in that weird slo-mo/fast-mo, unenthusiastically reviewing the reservations. Maybe next year?
So it’s been months since we last checked in, but not a helluva lot has changed at Sur. Jax is still behind the bar. Scheana and Katie are still serving crispy chicken and strawberry-rinis, or whatever they’re called. Some developments have occurred, though. Peter has short hair and no mustache, while Tom has decided to lengthen his hair and streak it pink. He sorta looks like Courteney Cox in Scream 2. Oh, and it’s quite possible Scheana has new eyes. In her confessionals, she has really bright eyes that look like contacts. Or maybe she had some sort of cornea filler. I put nothing past these people.
Oh, Lala has had some movement on the acting front: she booked a small role in a film with Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, and some other fella whose name she can’t pronounce (that would be Entourage’s Adrian Grenier).
While the others work, Kristen and Stassi prepare for the emotional bloodbath — a.k.a. the OK! Magazine party. Stassi manages to convince Kristen not to wear her “fake engagement ring.” I’m not sure which part he’s referring to: the diamonds, or her commitment, or if it’s just, like, a big Ring Pop. Either way, probably a good idea to leave it home.
Back at Sur, in between mojitos, Jax lets it slide that he came home the other night to find girlfriend Brittany and frenemy Kristen enjoying things “down under” on his bed. Tom Sandoval is not shocked. He considers oral sex to be L.A.’s handshake. What do you think L.A.’s version of a bow is?
NEXT: What happens at the OK! Magazine party doesn’t happen anywhere else
Soon enough, Lisa Vanderpump herself arrives and does a check-in with James, who’s dealing with his parents’ split but also churning out some hot beats. She then heads to the bar (obvs) for wine and a little gossip with her boys. Sandoval almost immediately blurts out that Kristen went down on Brittany. Lisa reacts as if someone told her Lindsay Lohan has a new, weird accent. “Oh? Huh. Okay. What else?” is pretty much her response.
It’s finally time for the OK! Magazine partay, and the crew finds their table and the bottle service. Unfortunately, Lala and James find the same table and basically just go HAM on the entire group. “I see that everyone here has not been working on their summer bodies,” quips Lala. That does not go over well, nor does James’ insinuation that Katie is pregnant. But as proof of karma being real (or maybe just the dangers of an open bar), both Lala and James are weeping over their own lives mere minutes later (turns out Lala is maybe dating a married man). I’m guessing this doesn’t happen at the Vanity Fair Oscar party.
The next day, Katie heads to Villa Rosa to say hello to the miniature ponies and boss lady Vanderpump. She wants to be Lisa’s assistant, which maybe seems like not the best idea. Lisa says Katie, though, is an exemplary employee. Of course, Katie takes a big gulp of wine just as Lisa pays her the compliment.
Jax and Brittany have moved into a new apartment after living in the studio he accessorized with stolen Sur stuff. Jax will not stop talking about what he saw Brittany and Kristen do, but his girlfriend doesn’t wanna hear any of it. She claims it didn’t happen. It’s hard to tell if Jax is trying to rat her out or is proud she did it. Either way, this entire scene occurs with him having a big paint stain on his face.
Schwartz and Katie also have a new apartment and a dog named Butter. They have a girl’s night where Scheana, Stassi, and Kristen come over to talk wedding stuff. Stassi has bedazzled glasses for everyone and Scheana has decided to wear what appear to be Catwoman costume pants. But it eventually deteriorates into trash-talking James and Lala.
Across town, James and Lala are doing the exact same thing! How weird?! Lala throws out some zingers — I’ll give her that. But I’d say the real takeaway is Stassi’s reveal that no matter how embarrassing last night got at the party, it will never top the time she sharted. Ever-supportive Schwartz then says he, too, had a similar incident. Peak television, ladies and gentleman!