Vanderpump Rules recap: Season 5, Episode 3
Tom Schwartz puts some meat in his butt. Yes, you read that correctly.
Are we past “The Go Down” on Vanderpump Rules? There was so little discussion of it this week and, frankly, I’m concerned we’ve reached peak “Go Down” status. What are we supposed to talk about for the rest of the season?! The holidays have no meaning now.
So anyway, Katie invites the gal pals to brunch in WeHo. She’s devised this completely bizarre way of telling them all they’re going to be bridesmaids. She’s taken metal tins and put a balloon in each of them. Each woman will then pop the balloons to reveal a little piece of paper asking her to be her bridesmaid. Like, huh? Maybe it’s a nod to her “industrial chic” bedroom?
The conversation quickly moves to the fact Ariana is not present and did not get to open a tin and pop a balloon. Katie just doesn’t trust Ariana since she’s friends with Lala. But there’s this weird moment when Katie and Brittany acknowledge they’ve only known each other for a year, and Kristen and Stassi weren’t talking to Katie a year ago. BUT NOW THEY’RE ALL TIN-BALLOON BUDDIES! Then Brittany — co-star of “The Go Down” — comes up with a tagline for the group. “Bridesmaids! Ooooh haha!” I think that’s what she said, at least. The group needs to work on their enunciation.
Back at Sur, Lisa arrives to investigate the headlock incident that happened with James and a man apparently known as “Scheana’s wedding photographer.” This fella is somehow immersed in the lives of the Sur employees. Lisa arrives in a white fur that looks like some kind of creature from the wintry land in The Empire Strikes Back. It seems like Lisa will finally fire James after the, like, 100th incident he’s been involved in, but she pardons him yet again. He will continue to have employment to pay for that apartment he shares with some strange old man.
Sandoval and Jax come over to Schwartz’s apartment. Sandoval is still rocking a top braid no one acknowledges. I would like us all to take a moment of silence and acknowledge Sandoval’s braid… Okay, that’s good enough. He and Jax are also wearing bow ties for no discernible reason. So Schwartz has prepared a meal for his best pals, including an appetizer of four shrimp for three people. Then he serves them steak as the main course, which they love.
He reminds everyone these dudes have “hazed” him for years. Their “hazing” mostly involves putting their junk or naked butts on Schwartz’s face, so to get back at them, Schwartz marinated everyone’s steaks in…his butt crack. Yes, you read that correctly. In fact, Schwartz did a whole photo shoot with the meat in his crack. I would like to know, who exactly, took those photos? He also went on a run before said marinating and did not shower afterwards, hoping his buttocks would be extra pungent. Jax did not mind the flavor at all: “Ass steaks or no ass steaks, I liked it.” That’s a wonderful quote. Sandoval found the revenge to be Shakespearean. Offhand, I don’t recall Macbeth vanquishing his enemies with ass sweat, but I’m a little rusty on deets.
NEXT: Katie has trouble communicating
Back in the land of wedding planning, Katie goes to the stationary store to pick out invitations with Stassi and Kristen. She wants to make a statement, so decides she’s going to send a towel in lieu of paper. Yes, you heard that correctly. A towel. She is sending something you wipe your hands on with her wedding details stitched on. I do not understand. Not in any way.
Lala decided she needed to apologize to Katie. She felt bad for going so hard on her. This revelation occurred while she was at Sur, wearing a suit jacket with no shirt and visible bra. So she decides to meet Katie out in the alleyway of Sur with the extra chairs and gas tanks. She tries to apologize, but Katie is not feelin’ it in any way. She only has time to think about mailing her wedding-invite towels and does not feel like forgiving Lala.
Lala says Katie has thrown mean lines to her as well. Katie only cops to calling her a “whore” which, to be fair, is not really a kind thing to call someone. Lala then goes into a lovely definition of “whore.” I hope someone from Webster was watching tonight’s ep. Katie brings up the whole sugar-daddy rumors again, but Lala shoots them down and insists her parents actually pay for all her stuff — most notably her phone bill. OOOOH BURN.
So the climax of the episode is this somewhat janky housewarming party thrown by Katie and Schwartz at their house. The food spread includes some pistachios, banana chips, and rolled deli meats. It’s unclear if any of these items have spent time in Schwartz’s nether region.
In the middle of all this, Stassi has an emotional breakdown in the kitchen over her troubled relationship with boyfriend Patrick. Luckily, Brittany is there to offer some good Sur wisdom: “Chug some of my vodka soda.” And chug she does.
Katie takes Kristen and Stassi into her bedroom to see how she’s rearranged the furniture. Kristen deems it “industrial chic.” I deem it a brick wall with lots of visible cords and a desk from the late ‘90s. Katie tells the girls she’s annoyed with Scheana because she saw her at the bar “facing” Lala the other night. SHE WAS FACING HER! Not turned away!
Scheana comes in to defend herself and kinda gets through to Katie, but Katie seems like she’s had a few too many solo cups and, much like her Ariana bridesmaid chat, doesn’t really get her point across. At least she can plan on a good night’s sleep in that industrial chic bedroom.