Here comes the bride

By Amanda Bell
March 20, 2017 at 10:00 PM EDT
  • TV Show

It’s a rare day indeed when there’s virtually zero drama happening on Vanderpump Rules, but when it comes to Schwartz and Katie’s wedding, everyone’s on their very best behavior — particularly the bride and groom.

Even Jax is going above and beyond, while Sandoval’s being a major helping hand for all of the fellas, and Lisa Vanderpump is keeping her Stassi slams to an absolute minimum. Apart from a few snags — in the literal and figurative senses — the two head off to be hitched without much of a… well, you know.

Let’s take it from the top!

It’s been pretty clear throughout all of this nuptial prep process that Katie and Schwartz don’t always follow the rules when it comes to tradition. Their destination wedding, a place called Twenty Mile House, will have them saying “I do” in the middle of the woods, but more importantly, their rehearsal dinner is more like a fiesta with tequila and tacos. What did we really expect?

The Bubbas are in full agreement on this theme, at least, and what’s more, they’re having equal amounts of trouble tapping out their wedding vows. How do you say, “Hey sorry for fooling around on you in Vegas that one time and then calling you the ‘b-word’ just a week ago,” anyway? Schwartz has some thinkin’ to do, that’s for sure.

And even though there’s booze a-plenty, and they’re all doing their usual wild-style activities like tubing down a river and chugging beer before breakfast — Sandoval even showed up with 50 cases of beer in his rental car because that’s just how he rolls — they’re keeping it relatively low key all the while. No one’s yelling, no one’s storming out, and every tear that’s shed comes from a happy place instead of some slobbery spitting session. It’s oddly unsettling to see these people getting along so well en masse like this.

Perhaps the calm is owed to the fact that they’re all grown up enough to at least respect their friends’ wedding day, or, in the more likely case, there are just too many actual adults around to allow such madness to happen. Katie’s entire family is there — even her parents, who’ve not been in the same room for four years — and officiant Lisa Vanderpump has come with her husband and colleagues. And thanks to the kind generosity of Sandoval and Jax, Tom’s triplet brothers are even brought into town for the big day. Even though they missed their original flight and don’t have a shred of clothing suitable for the occasion, Sandoval and Jax take point on getting them ready to surprise Tom to tears. The gesture guts him.

“It’s truly the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” Schwartz says in reaction to the gift.

All the while, Scheana’s put on the spot about her marriage with Shay by LVP. And despite the fact that Shay’s been giving her the cold shoulder all the while, man alive, this chick can lie. She goes on and on about how they’re back to the newlywed phase — they’re so happy to see each other every day; they’re in a state of marital bliss — but their interactions in the hotel room certainly say otherwise. She says she’s happy Katie will be joining the “Wives’ Club,” Population 1, but from the looks of her own union, things aren’t too peachy on that side of the Newlywedland fence. Her speech should be, erm, interesting.

NEXT: Here comes the bride…

Apart from some fuzzy gushing between Schwartz and his mom, Katie and her dad, and the rest of the group, the rehearsal dinner ends with very little fuss. It really says something when the craziest thing that happens all night is when Schwartz beats down a piñata.

At the tail end, when LVP is good and sloshed, she sits the happy couple down for a power session in which she warns them that they’ve got years of ups and downs ahead. Katie is usually the one to buy into whatever Lisa says, but Tom’s feeling the love tonight, too, and he expresses his gratitude for the show’s matriarch getting her ministry credentials to officiate their wedding.

So, when the morning comes and it’s time for the big day, it feels like the other shoe is just bound to drop, right? RIGHT? Surprisingly, it doesn’t.

Katie’s calm as a cucumber — she’s apparently brought some special brownies and such to help her with her nerves — and the girls are all getting along, to boot. (Well, except Ariana. She’s one of the guys today, seeing as how she’s a groomswoman and all. But still.) Meanwhile, Sandoval’s the MVP of the groom’s cabin right now because he’s come prepared with everything from extra socks to level 32 hairspray to the ability to tie the perfect bow tie around his thigh muscle. Thanks to him, no one’s struggling to suit up today, even those sartorially challenged triplets of Schwartz’s.

LVP shows up to the wedding early in her dress — that she ironed herself, no less — and looks like someone straight out of The Craft. Per usual, she’s barking orders at the staff about where to put what, and her husband sits patiently while his “control freak” of a wife does her worst to fix the place up a bit.

But no matter. Katie’s got her own small crisis to deal with, now that the ribbing has been put in her dress and and has to be gashed out of the gown before it impales the bride. Kristen’s doing her darnedest to play maid of honor, even though the role went to Stassi since Kristen refused to walk with Sandoval, and she helps get the boning out without destroying Katie’s dress. Success! I’ll leave it to others to decide whether that dress actually deserved to be destroyed or not because, um, yikes.

By the time everyone arrives for the wedding, Schwartz is slicked out in his green tux, Katie’s all ready with her teary-eyed dad, and LVP’s ready to lead this ceremony with her gushy speech and make these two the official Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz. D’aw. It really is hard to be cynical about the group this time. Except for the wedding dress; that’s not gonna age well at all.

  • TV Show
  • 5
  • 01/07/13
  • In Season
Complete Coverage