Vanderpump Rules recap: 'Drag Battle'
Oh, yay! The New Orleans debauchery continues! Actually, that could probably be a blanket statement for the Big Easy at large, but in this case, we’re just talking about Vanderpump Rules‘ ill-advised bachelor-bachelorette party trip.
Still dressed in drag, the guys are in rare form as they weigh in on the latest, and possibly greatest, Katie and Tom debacle. This time, Katie’s let the cat out of the bag that Tom maybe (read: probably did) sleep with a rando in Vegas that one time, which means she’s harboring a lot of resentment for (1) the fact that it happened in the first place, (2) the fact that he won’t admit, let alone apologize for, sleeping with this person, and (3) the fact that everyone calls her Tequila Katie when in reality, Tom’s just as much of a drunken mess as she is. All valid points, really.
The only one who’s firmly on Team Tom tonight is Tom No. 2, a.k.a. Sandoval, who thinks that his pal is being mistreated over the whole matter. Everyone else, even Jax, is pretty much of the mind that he should admit to and/or apologize for what he’s done so that these two can enjoy their prenuptial celebrations instead of turning the whole trip into one long “he said, she said” argument.
Granted, it’s a little hard to take him seriously when he’s got on more makeup than any of the women in the room, but Sandoval’s vehement that Katie is the problem, not Schwartz. According to Sandoval, if Katie was so incensed about this did-he-or-didn’t-he thing with the Vegas girl, maybe she shouldn’t have given him an ultimatum to demand he put a ring on it. It’s a total “leave Britney alone”-level defense style, which is as ridiculous as it is sweet.
Tom, meanwhile, is this close to done with Katie (again). He can’t marry her when they’re this bad off, right? RIGHT?
Jax has a better idea than calling off the wedding, though — just go to Katie right now, apologize for everything, and squash it once and for all. Ultimately, wiser heads win the day, but Tom’s too tanked to pull off a real-deal apology, so Katie decides to share a bed with Stassi instead of him.
The next day, while everyone else is nursing their wounds (and still peeling off layers of makeup and women’s clothing) at the pool, Katie and Kristen join Stassi on a quick trip to see her childhood home before her dad and grandma sell the place. Her grandma Rosemary, it turns out, is both her style inspiration and her personality goals, but she knows she’ll never live up to the family matriarch’s particular level of coolness because, frankly, she’s just not nice enough. Hey, at least she knows herself well enough to admit as much.
Scheana and Shay are really enjoying all this Katie and Tom infighting, by the way, because it gives them ample opportunities to pull the old “we’re better than that” routine. Admittedly, it’s a little ironic to watch them ride that high horse right now knowing what they’ve gone through since the taping of all of this…
NEXT: An apology from Tom… well, sorta
Katie’s absence gives everyone else a chance to remind Tom of all his misgivings from the night before. Jax whips out the old “happy wife, happy life” cliché that’s inspired his successful relationship with Brittany thus far, and it seems to sink in with the very hungover Tom.
By the time he rolls into Katie’s hotel room, hat in hand, Tom seems ready to make amends with his bride-to-be, but once he starts chugging the left over Four Locos and taking whip-its halfway through his sentences, she’s suddenly not so convinced.
Despite her reservations, though, the two manage to make an agreement to bury their various hatchets; he’ll stop calling her a nag and a mess and reminding her of old ghosts, and she’ll drop the Vegas girl thing once and for all. Okayyy, probably not forever, but you know. Enough to get them down the aisle in one piece at least.
And with that, the party time can really begin.
Meanwhile, back at home, Lisa Vanderpump is asked to give hostess Katie O’Malley a shot at a server position, and she’s more than willing to entertain the idea. Here’s a girl who’s shown up early for her shift, and besides, she likes it when people are ambitious and want to move up the ranks.
Unfortunately for this Katie, though, she’s not fluent in the drinks, menu, or even communication skills, which means that’s a no-go, but thanks for playing. LVP takes a call from that Katie and offers her usual maternal take on the drama of the day by telling her that nothing she and Tom have been arguing about is worth the trouble right now; the real problems are going to hit way further down the road. Judging by the cutesy way she’s treated by Ken, who delivers her tea in bed and gets excited about the prospect of having some wine in bed while watching “programs” together, maybe LVP is an authority on the issue of making love last. D’aw.
So, putting all the bickering aside for one last night on the town, the group gussies up in pretty pimp-wear and hits the VIP room at a local bar to sip on drinks called “F— You” and play a saucy game of spin the bottle. Somehow, this turns into Stassi making out with her ex Peter a few times, which makes her happy because, hey, it was literally anyone else besides Patrick, and that’s what counts.
Once the bubbly starts flowing, Schwartz begins stripping down to give Katie a lap dance — what kind of bar has a Murphy bed at the ready for such an occasion anyway? — and everyone’s happy at last. Jax thinks Sandoval’s probably enjoying the show more than anyone, but his boyband-ready dance moves might be clouding his judgment right now. Who knows.
The “bubbas” are fine again and glad that their trip has ended on a positive note, and they promise to “bottle up” even their most legitimate problems with one another until after the wedding because, yeah, that’s gonna fix everything.
On a positive note, it looks like Tom Sandoval, for all his antics apologizing for Schwartz, is about to get offered a major promotion opportunity by LVP because she sees some serious potential in him (he’s “hungry,” she suspects). She’s thinking of opening a younger, hipper place next to Pump and bringing him in as a junior partner. What could possibly go wrong?