Vanderpump Rules recap: 'The D Pic'
Jax's junk gets a co-starring role in Kristen's improv show, while Katie has a baby shower with burritos and blow-up dolls.
Little-known fact: There is a Sur “office.” (Yup, it’s easy to forget that amidst all the Lala shade, there is actually a business to run.) What exactly goes on day-to-day at the Sur office? Power Point presentations on raspberry mojitos?
Well, this episode kind of answers that question, and it’s pretty much what one would assume. First of all, the space sorta looks like it’s a guest room above a garage — imagine Mona’s apartment on Who’s the Boss? Second, we see Katie bringing Lisa a plastic shopping bag full of T-shirt dresses from someplace Forever 21-adjacent. It’s not exactly a Fortune 500 company.
One fun little tidbit, though, is revealed in Katie’s meeting with Lisa: Kristen is yet again trying improv. As in COMEDY. IMPROVISATIONAL. COMEDY. KRISTEN. This is happening. Loyal Rules watchers probably remember this being discussed ages ago and Ariana throwing shade because she takes improv really seriously. After Katie drops that little bomb, she also invites Lisa to her bridal shower. Lisa is basically like, I’ll come if I don’t have something better.
Back at Sur, Lala attempts to explain herself to Ariana and Tom but basically effs the whole thing up. She claims she didn’t wanna be stuck in an RV with the likes of Jax, which is understandable. But she knew this was happening from the beginning. I mean, the FartV is obvs not a desired form of transportation, but you can’t just bail on people with no notice.
Soooo … I hate comedy shows. I don’t like stand-up. I don’t like improv. I don’t even really like karaoke. And I reeeeeaaaaalllly did not enjoy Kristen’s improv. I wasn’t even in the audience and I was cringing. That being said, the drama instigated by this train-wreck of a comedy show is pure gold. The main piece of her three-gal comedy routine was taking old penis photos and turning them into art. So, of course, Kristen decided to use a photo of Jax as one of the props. Apparently, an ex of Jax’s tweeted an image of his dong and tagged a bunch of Sur people in the post, so Jax’s junk is now easily accessible on the interwebs.
Katie is the first one to be like, “Uh, I believe that’s Jax’s schlong on stage right now.” And then it sorta spreads through the group. Brittany is notably upset and with good reason. Kristen didn’t give her a heads-up she was showing Jax’s bizness in her routine. Kristen claims it’s harder than you think to find a penis pic online … which is utter bull. Frankly, she just needs better gays in her life because we can sniff out a penis pic like a pro.
NEXT: A bridal shower straight out of American Horror Story
Enemy of the people, Lala, decides to go visit her good pal, James. She basically keeps asking him for booze and he keeps trying to explain to her that he’s not drinking. She’s not exactly an excellent sobriety coach. James has replaced booze with ice cream, which Lala is not into. She tells James that instead of doing the whole FartV thing, she decided to check herself into the Beverly Hills Hotel on her mother’s dime. (What do Lala’s parents do?) She then invites James to go on a trip to Malibu on a helicopter. Why can’t she just drive like everyone else? Lala claims everyone has been on a private jet, if you’re a pretty lady with boobs. (I would read a book compiling all of Lala’s pearls of wisdom. Please work on that, Shop by Bravo folks.)
Then something really weird happens: Stassi and Kristen text James to come meet them for drinks. He agrees, most likely because he’s on a television show. They proceed to tell him all the crappy things Lala has been saying about him. Apparently, gurl has been talking behind his back, too. James says Lala’s secret boyfriend made all of Lala’s friends sign an NDA when they stayed at a house he rented for Coachella. That sounds like the opening to an Eli Roth movie. Hostel 3: Coachella House.
It’s finally time for Katie’s shower. Her friends rented a random house in Eagle Rock for the festivities. It’s a real weird house. Like, it could very easily be on the next season of American Horror Story. It also just seems odd to not have it at a restaurant or one of the girl’s apartments. Like, there are a random person’s knickknacks and photos in this house. They also spent more than $200 on Taco Bell! TACO BELL. Even Scheana is appalled at that price.
All the Sur girls come, as does Brittany’s mom who loves a frosted lip. She also loves Jesus and the idea Jax will eventually propose to her daughter. All I can say is she better keep praying to the old JC, because marriage seems real far off in Jax’s mind.
While the women are at the shower, the fellas all head out to eat some Mexican food and to complain about marriage. Not maybe the best time to bring it up, as Schwartz is quickly approaching his wedding date.
Back at the shower, Stassi and Katie get in a fight with Ariana about Lala, but then it turns into a weird general fight. I honestly don’t care anymore about this topic. They’re starting to get real Munchausen-y with the Lala stuff. I’m having Real Housewives of Beverly Hills PTSD flashbacks.
Oh, and Lisa does finally show up late and brings the gift all girls want from their bosses: a blow-up doll named Katie Cougar. I can imagine that doll finding a lovely spot in the Sur office.