The story lines for UnREAL’s second season have been so bloated, it all had to come out sometime. (SORRY!)
But seriously, I’m with Quinn: That poop joke was hilarious. It’s not quite enough to make me love this episode, but with Quinn and Rachel back on the same page, I’m feeling somewhat okay about how we’re heading into the finale… as long as it includes taking down Coleman because that guy is the worst.
The episode opens with him watching a drugged-up Rachel making her on-camera confessions. You would think Coleman, in the cold light of day, would realize it’s pretty unethical to coax information out of a woman who’s incapacitated, but nope! He tells Rachel this is their story to tell. He wants to take down Everlasting, but Rachel says she won’t do that to Quinn.
“After meeting your mother, I shouldn’t be surprised,” he says. She tries to argue with this, but Coleman says Quinn doesn’t care about her or else she’d want more for her than the show. “Quinn is killing you.” Rachel still thinks they shouldn’t expose her, but when he says someone will take the fall for this — either Quinn or Rachel — Rach decides to get back on Quinn’s good side and get more evidence for him.
Coleman then sneaks off and relays this info to Yael, his secret accomplice and… new flame? They kiss to seal their evil deal, and Madison happens to see them. It takes about two seconds for her to reveal this to Rachel. Quinn won’t let Rachel have her job back (Jay is no. 2 at the moment), but she tells her to help out where she can. Rachel confronts Coleman about Yael; he says he’s just pretending to be the showrunner so the women won’t get suspicious. Then he tells her not to push away “the one person who actually cares about [her].” That feeling is your skin crawling.
Luckily, our girl isn’t stupid — and when Madison calls for someone to find Hot Rachel, Real Rachel is all over it. The wheels start turning, and she hatches a plan: She locks a random door before going to find a blue dress for Yael. In the contestant’s closet, she stashes the blue dress and brings out a white one, telling her the costumer steamed a hole in the blue one.
With only three women remaining, each of them get a date with Darius. Tiffany and Darius’ golf date was a snooze-fest, so Quinn is ready for anyone to do anything. Rachel tells her she has a plan to entertain her, and Quinn lets her loose. “Real Rachel vs. Hot Rachel” is a go.
Rachel tells Yael that Darius heard her favorite food is sashimi, so they brought it in from her favorite restaurant. What Rachel neglects to tell her is that she put a little something extra in the sauce. Cut to the dancing after the dinner portion of the date, where Yael’s stomach is loudly rumbling. She wants to take a minute, but Rachel yells that they’re losing the light and have to keep filming.
Yael makes it a few seconds before fleeing the dance stage, but the door Rachel locked earlier? It’s the bathroom. In her lovely white dress, Yael squats right there on camera and loses it — in more ways than one.
Yael is crying her eyes out — and Quinn is laughing her head off (as am I). Coleman comes into the editing bay and sees Darius covering up Yael with a tablecloth on the monitors. He needed her to be the winner for their tell-all to sell better. This is also problematic for Jay and Darius, who were planning on the final two being Yael and Tiffany. (Apparently, it’s not cool to pick a girl who pooped her pants dress?)
Darius had told Jay earlier he wasn’t comfortable sending Chantal home; he’s worried what it will look like if he sends the black girl home and marries a white girl. Jay says he can convince Chantal to leave on her own. And he does… briefly. Jay is shockingly honest with Chantal: He tells her Darius is going to pick Tiffany, but he has enough respect for her to let her leave on her own terms.
But then Jay lets all his new power go to his head and blabs to Madison about it before Chantal has even left. Where I’m from, that’s called counting your chickens before they hatch. Chantal is Madison’s girl, so she of course runs to her and talks her out of leaving. In fact, she does some fine producing here and convinces Chantal to not only stay, but to “put herself out there” with Darius.
NEXT: Chantal really puts herself out there
Chantal shows up to her hot-tub date with Darius in a robe… and nothing on underneath. “Girl is naked!” Quinn says so eloquently. She’s having quite the night. First “shit-gate” and now a penis grab? Quinn’s on cloud nine. She and Rachel celebrate with tequila, still laughing, until Rach asks if she ever thinks about Mary. Quinn tells her that was Shia’s fault and all they did was cover it up. Quinn has done a lot of covering up, apparently. If you remember last season, she made Rachel’s probation for grand theft auto go away, but she also made Rachel’s fake call to the police that led to Romeo’s shooting go away this season.
They can’t chat much longer, though, because it’s elimination time! Darius sends Yael Poopypants home. She says the perfect soundbite and runs to her room. Coleman catches Rachel and says he’s integrating the things Quinn JUST said into his video. Oh, yeah, didn’t he mention: He had some hacker friends teach him how to tap into Rachel’s phone and record conversations nearby. (When did Coleman turn into the crazy one?) He then tells Rachel he found a place for her to “get healthy” before they burn the place down together. Rachel fakes a smile and goes along with the plan.
Coleman then goes to find Yael and let her know Rachel’s back on board — and then he hooks up with Yael. Slimy, slimy dude.
It’s almost as slimy as Chet hooking up with Tiffany. Yeah, that happened. I don’t understand this story line at all, so that’s all I’m going to say about it.
Anyway, Booth stopped by for the elimination ceremony; while he’s there, Quinn gets a phone call. She and Booth had gone to the doctor earlier that day to see if she could still have kids. He follows her into her office, where the doctor on the other end of the line says she can’t have kids. Quinn goes cold and tells him to leave her. “You want kids and I can’t have them, so get the hell out of my life.”
She then goes into the editing bay, tells everyone to leave, and starts trashing the place. Rachel runs in and asks her what’s going on. Quinn said she never wanted kids, but she wanted the choice. It’s a truly touching moment — and the fact that she shares it with Rach instead of her new beau is telling.
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Quinn’s having a revelation. She doesn’t want Rachel to get stuck there like she did. “I love you — you’re fired,” she says. But Rachel won’t hear it. Instead, she tells her Coleman is trying to expose them and they have to work together to stop him.
“Quinn, suck it up. I need you.”
“We’re taking that asshole down.”
And then they hug. It’s about time.
What did you think of “Espionage”? Are you ready for the finale? Let me know below or find me on Twitter @realdalener.