Kimmy is finally ready to talk about her mother — Lori-Ann Schmidt, lover of tube tops, tube socks, and roller coasters — but doesn’t get very far because she realizes Dr. Andrea’s already drunk and it’s only the middle of the day. She insists she’s a better therapist when she’s been drinking: just like darts, driving a Zamboni, or running away from a Zamboni that you can’t stop.
After their therapy time is up, Daytime-turned-Nighttime Andrea makes Kimmy go out on a night that ends with her sleeping at Kimmy’s house, having lost her keys, shoes, phone, and Nuva Ring. (She threw the keys in the river to protest racism, Kimmy tells her.) Her drinking has gotten to the point where she needs to go away to a “conference” — therapist speak for rehab — but Kimmy wants to try and help Andrea herself so she doesn’t have to go away. They haven’t even gotten to her fear of Velcro, yet!
Jacqueline is trying to woo Russ because of his money, but he is way more interested in his business phone calls than her seduction attempts. He’s not great with women, he tells her, but he’s also wary because women are often after him for his money. She tries to argue that’s obviously not the case here, because she gave away a $12 million painting and while her apartment looks sparse, it’s because she’s not finished moving in (“I have 100 chairs!”).
Titus picks up his last paycheck at the restaurant, where his old boss says he needs to put himself out there and go on more auditions, suggesting an open call for a musical version of Mahogany starring Dionne Warwick. Titus is mad the Psychic Network didn’t tell him about this, but they did predict someone with a letter in their name would tell him something, so…
Back at home, he sees Mikey, who is sick in bed, and wonders if the reason he hasn’t cared about work is because he’d rather be with him — when Mikey was away at that construction convention, Con Con, he was too sad to sing (awww). Mikey says he doesn’t want to get him sick, but Titus says he only gets sick on the dance floor – from the flashing lights and spinning. But of course, he does get sick, and the audition becomes his second third worst one ever. (See below for the full lyrics to his made-up Trident jingle.)
Kimmy has a plan to stop Dr. Andrea from drinking, and it starts with getting her drunk. Before she can enact it, though, Jacqueline stops by to wonder why Russ wouldn’t sleep with her. Lillian, back from her bulldozer protest, points out it might be because he’s looking for love, and making someone actually fall in love is something Jacqueline has never done before. Lillian says you know it’s love when someone puts your needs above their own — which Titus realizes is what he did with Mikey taking care of him while he was sick.
Determined to try and help, Kimmy shows up at Dr. Andrea’s office and handcuffs them together, vowing they’ll stay on the roof until the sun goes down to keep her from drinking. Kimmy knows Andrea drinks to not have to deal with bad stuff, which is something Kimmy knows a little about from her time in the bunker when she’d have to keep her mind busy with things like staring contests and holding your breath for as long as possible (“the trick is not caring if you live or die,” Kimmy says, after holding for four minutes). The sun goes down, and Kimmy is proud that Dr. Andrea made it through the day without drinking — but she didn’t, because a “whazzuppppp” and a hidden Camelbak full of vodka reveal Dr. Andrea had been drinking the whole time.
There’s no Day Andrea and Night Andrea, she tells Kimmy: She’s just one big mess, and can’t be fixed. Kimmy feels responsible for her boundaries getting crossed and Andrea having to go away, but the therapist tells her (both regular style and Oprah style) that it’s not her fault and she’s not responsible for other people’s problems or when people leave. This is how her relationship with her mother affects all her other relationships, Kimmy realizes, and the same thing will keep happening until she deals with it.
Titus complains to Mikey about continuously humiliating himself on auditions, and offers that he makes enough money that Titus might not have to work. Plus, his lease is up at the end of the month and maybe they can move in together? It’s a big step, and Titus is not a fan of steps. But then he gets a phone call letting him know that Norman Gordon — a fellow aspiring actor he ran into at his earlier audition (and once starred as “corpse emitting gasses” on Law & Order: Drifter Incineration Squad) — has died, and if he wants to pay his respects they’re throwing him in the East River that afternoon. At the “Unloved New Yorker Disposal Unit,” a group of people who knew and worked with Norman are gathered as Ice-T delivers a eulogy and plays “Amazing Grace” on the saxophone.
Jacqueline brings Russ back to her apartment after some kids on the street attack him, but when he sees she sleeps on an air mattress she panics, covers his eyes, calls to a fake servant to get an ambulance, and runs into another room to wonder why she brought him there. She realizes she put his needs above her own… which means she’s falling in love with him.
And Titus gets another call later with better news — he’s been offered the Mahogany pat, but the musical is on a cruise ship for four months in the Caribbean. Mikey tells him he has to take it, and they’ll talk about moving in together when he gets back.
Kimmy walks in and tells them she’s going to find her mother. If she can find every gosh-dang Waldo that’s crossed her path, she can do this. But all her plans for a private eye to infiltrate the Coasterhead community won’t be needed: The guys quickly find her on Facebook, and Lori-Ann Schmidt is in Orlando.
Problems Kimmy has to solve: Helping Dr. Andrea stop day drinking.
Kimmy doesn’t understand how the world works: When she went into the bunker, people still knew each other’s phone numbers (thanks, cell phones). She’s also “dressed to party like an MC Skat Kat” when she goes to take Dr. Andrea out, and thinks a hand gesture made by her therapist referred to rolling dice when, well, it doesn’t.
Titus doesn’t understand how the world works: Taking care of Mikey while he was sick made no sense, just like “wearing pants in your own home.” Also, he’s been keeping busy between auditions: “Getting my 14 hours every night and hitting the g(J)im…Gaffigan Show craft service table.”
Kimmy loves the ‘90s: Important question: “They’re the Mario brothers but one of them is named Mario… does that mean his name is Mario Mario?”
Estimated number of pop culture references: At least a dozen, including Kimmy’s Bambi tangent, multiple Law & Order references, and Russ vowing to stand up for the voiceless like the other members of Coldplay. Also: Seeing Tina Fey whip and nae nae.
Titus’ Trident jingle:
Trident gum is the chewiest gum,
Give it to your friend and chew it with your teeth
Your teeth are bones that live outside
That hang from your lips like bats, oh!
Outside bones! Outside bones!
Never forget your teeth are outside bones!
They’re bones that you wash, and when you’re a kid
They fall from your head
And to make things less weird we say they got stolen
By a demon that your parents knoooooooowwwwww…Trident!
NEXT: Episode 13