Walden makes sex happen
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Credit: CBS
Two and a Half Men | Monday, 8-8:30 p.m., CBS The warlock has left the building. With the spectacular, bridge-burning, jumping-down-?the-inflatable-?emergency-slide exit of Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men…

BOO! Just kidding, Two and a Half Men didn’t do a Halloween episode. Instead they did a cougar sex episode, which I guess could maybe count as a Halloween episode. There was plenty of horrific content, and we were even kind of visited by the ghost of Charlie Sheen, who managed to deliver the best lines of the night. The only thing missing was candy.

At least I can say that it was nice to get this cougar (I’m so sorry, I hate saying that word except when referencing Cougar Town) nonsense over with relatively early in the season, right? At this point we’ve seen everyone from Berta to Charlie’s lesbian therapist fall prey to Walden’s merciless charms, so it was only natural that Evelyn would get her moment in the spotlight. It’s interesting because it took quite a few seasons for this show to really suffer from the one-note Charlie stereotype jokes, but this seems to be happening to Walden only seven episodes in. I think they need to move past the “Walden is an unknowingly sexy dimwit, let’s throw various women at him and see what happens” jokes quickly, or they’re going to lose people. But hey, only time will tell.

Evelyn dropped by Chez Walden to deliver Charlie’s secret safety deposit box to Alan. Of course Alan was hoping for cash, so imagine his disappointment when it was only Charlie’s journal. Wait, what? Alan was appropriately confused. Do cokeheads journal? And if so, why would they go through the trouble to keep it in a safety deposit box? But before you pass judgment, know that Charlie’s writing actually showed remarkable insight. He even semi-predicted the circumstances of his untimely death!

Alan noticed that Evelyn was rocking a new Cartier watch, so she distracted him with some mother to son sentiment. He went in for a hug, but Evelyn gave him the brush off when Walden came strolling in. “It’s a miracle I’m not a transsexual on Dancing With The Stars,” Alan muttered. Ack, okay. I don’t think it’s cool that this joke ended up on CBS for many, many reasons. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Later, Walden asked Evelyn if she could recommend a fabulous interior designer. Why, yes, she could actually — Evelyn Harper! He had her at, “I have a buttload of money.” Also, she just really seems to enjoy his backside. The duo discussed the renovations, focusing wisely on a balcony hot tub and Charlie’s hidden bedroom sex camera. Evelyn sneakily tried to dig into Walden’s brain to see if she might be his type, but he was still hung up on Bridget. Also, Ellen DeGeneres.

NEXT: Ghost writer

Walden decided to take Evelyn up on a furniture shopping invite, and Alan warned him that this may be a bad idea. He had lost too many friends to his mother, the “über-cougar,” before, and this time wouldn’t be any different. Of course Walden went anyway, confident that this was going to be strictly business. It wasn’t, and the duo ended up knocking boots back at Evelyn’s place. There really wasn’t much to the seduction at all (fortunately?). Evelyn tried to play it off like she wasn’t interested, and then we cut to the two of them naked in Evelyn’s bedroom.

Meanwhile, Walden’s influence was also felt by a younger generation. Jake tried to seduce his chemistry tutor, Megan, but she turned into putty whenever Walden entered the room. “Walden must go,” decided Jake. But before Jake had time to set any sort of murder plot in motion, Megan came over again, all sexed up for her tutoring-session-slash-Walden-sighting. This time, the mere sight of Ashton Kutcher had her so hot she was willing to take Jake up to his bedroom. “Walden must stay,” decided Jake.

Finally, Alan received some closure from Charlie’s strange but intimate journal. “My brother’s kid showed up today,” he wrote. “He’s kind of cute. No way he’s really Alan’s kid. Best of all, he’s smart as a whip. I think he’s got a very bright future.” Alan was touched by this, and by some other throwaway lines about Charlie’s strange love for his brother, and blah. I care more about the cocaine and the hookers — Berta was right, that stuff usually makes for a better memoir. Alan also read that Charlie had recently purchased a Cartier watch, outing Evelyn’s theft. America!

Are you happy with season nine, viewers? Seven episodes in, how are you feeling about Walden? Did you dress up for Halloween? Let us know in the comments!


“Your brother was a very complex man. Perhaps he needed a safe place to express his deepest emotions and innermost thoughts or some such nonsense.” –Evelyn

“Why leave cash to your impoverished brother when you can leave your alcohol-muddled thoughts?” –Alan

“He had some cash stashed away for emergencies, you know, like getting a hooker after an earthquake.” –Alan, on Charlie

“I love the ocean. Just you alone with your thoughts, time standing still at peace with the entire universe. Plus you can pee in it and nobody knows.” –Walden

“I thought you were a real estate agent?” –Walden

“I am. I’m also a building inspector, mortgage broker, notary public and a bail bondsman.” –Evelyn

“I just sent a girl home who told me she loved me, and I can’t even remember her name. What is wrong with me that I just have anonymous drunken encounters night after night? Do I drink to fill the loneliness, or to hide from the horror I’ve become? I remember, her name is Rachel. I feel better now. I’ll reward myself with some cocaine and an Asian hooker.” –Charlie’s journal

“You know, if he hooks up with you he goes to jail.” –Jake

“I’d wait for him.” –Megan

“Is this what I have to look forward to in life? Always losing girls to smarter, better looking men?”–Jake

“Well, this of it this way: you’re carrying on a proud family tradition.” –Alan

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hook up with your mom.” –Walden

“If I had a dime for every time I heard that, I’d have three dollars and sixty cents. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is 36 times.” –Alan

“Alan moved in with his girlfriend yesterday. How stupid is she? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. Like a non-specific urinary infection, I’m sure he’ll be back before long.” –Charlie’s journal


Episode Recaps

Two and a Half Men | Monday, 8-8:30 p.m., CBS The warlock has left the building. With the spectacular, bridge-burning, jumping-down-?the-inflatable-?emergency-slide exit of Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men…
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