While Sookie decides whether to save her friends or herself, Sarah Newlin has her craziest scene yet
True Blood
Credit: HBO
True Blood, Anna Paquin, ... | In the season 3 finale, vampire Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) made Bill confess to Sookie — who can't read vampire minds — that he let her…

You can tell we’re getting to the end of the season (just two episodes left after this one), because the vamps are finally in the circular room awaiting the sun, Sookie has decided she’ll be Warlow’s fairy-vampire bride, and Sarah Newlin is off the rails. Let’s dig in.

We opened with Bill asking a grieving Eric to help him save the vamps. Eric was in no mood. If Bill’s read was right, Eric picked a fight — by telling Bill he was too weak to get Sookie to give him Warlow — because Eric no longer cares if he lives or dies. Evoking Godric’s name? Ouch, Bill. Bill raised Eric so he was levitating, and Alexander Skarsgard somehow managed to taunt Bill further with a straight face. Was it immortality that Eric couldn’t handle, or was he embarrassed that he had, for once, believed in something other than himself? Bill slammed Eric to the floor and told him to get out of his house. Eric said he was already gone and bolted.

Over at the werewolves’ compound, Rikki challenged Alcide for packmaster. Danielle seconded her, as did a tall blonde we’ll never see again. A man named Kenneth said what we were all thinking about Rikki picking a fight with Alcide: “You outta your f—in’ mind, bitch?” Rikki said she knew she’d get her ass kicked but that Alcide wouldn’t finish her off. She was right. Rikki lived. But goodbye, Shreveport werewolf story line! No one will miss you. Just to confirm that:

In Vamp Camp, Violet, the No. 1 who claimed Jason, asked him what he’d done to get himself tossed in prison. He left Jessica’s name out of it and just said he’d done the governor’s girlfriend. Violet told him she plans on drinking from him whenever she wants to and no, she won’t be passing him around because she was raised Catholic (in medieval times) and believes in God and the sanctity of their union. He’s hers, and hers alone — now and forever. Gulp.

Sookie returned to the cemetery and to Warlow. She tied him up, fed him from her wrist, and then asked him how he’d feel about doing a favor, a “biggie,” for Bill. Warlow wasn’t exactly interested, seeing as how Bill wants to kill him. Sookie said she’d make that part of the deal — that Warlow lives. Warlow wants his own condition then: If he helps Bill save Sookie’s vampire friends, she agrees to be his. He’s loved her for nearly 6,000 years (no, Warlow, you haven’t), and he wants to start his eternity with her now. Sookie said she’d need some time to think about it and came back into our dimension talking to herself about how all men are incapable of just wanting to date her. Eric was lurking behind a tree and began feeling around for the entrance to Warlow’s side.

NEXT: Alcide and Sam make up

Again at Vamp Camp, Jessica and James were enjoying their afterglow and prepping for round 2 when LAVTF guards busted into the boardroom and escorted them back to gen pop. She reminded James not to drink the blood, and Pam joined Jessica mid-walk having had “oozey but productive” sex with Dr. Finn to get out of solitary.

At Merlotte’s, Sam cleaned out the shelf we never knew Terry had in the office. He got emotional when he saw a photo of Arlene and Mikey. On his way to his home, he saw Alcide. He’d brought Nicole and her mother to Sam’s place. He told Sam his pack days were behind him. Hallelujah. Sam told Alcide there was a cold beer with his name on it. Male bonding. Yay.

Just as Pam arrived back in gen pop, the Tru Blood bottles were distributed. Steve Newlin almost got his swiped by a No. 2, but he kept a hold of it. Did we want him to drink it? Lord knows he deserves to, but no, he’s too fun of a character to lose. He sat down next to James and told him how he hadn’t felt this unpopular since the eighth grade, when he’d bring second and third pairs of underpants because of the wedgies he’d receive. Most days, Steve said, he’d needed a fourth pair. James took pity on him and told him not to drink the blood.

Sam poured the ladies a drink and sent them to bed, but not before he sniffed Nicole. Meanwhile, Sookie took a shower at her house and flashed back to that time Warlow came through and said, “I’m coming for you.” He did not sound all dreamy and Warlow-like then, remember. She finally listened to Jason’s answering machine message as she did a shot. Cut to Alcide doing shots in Merlotte’s. Sam joined him. Alcide said he’d caught Nicole’s scent. “It yours?” he asked. “Pretty sure it is. Smelled like me to me.” Sam’s gonna be a daddy! Alcide asked how Sam was going to play it. For now, he was just going to think on it and drink on it. You know they finished that bottle.

Jessica, Tara, and Willa asked Pam to try speaking to Violet, Level 1 to Level 1. Violet told Pam to f— off, she was eating. “You’re f—ing delicious, Jason Stackhouse,” she said in what I presume was one of the makeshift wall coffins they had for the vamps. “Thank you,” he said, always grateful for a compliment. He wanted to ask her for one favor — “Don’t rape me.” Ah, a nod back to that other story line we’d all like to forget — Jason and the werepanthers. Violet said there are vampires who don’t know how to separate feeding from sex, but she isn’t one of them. She told him they would f—, at some point, and it would be consensual. But it won’t happen until he woos her, begs her, and works for it. She’s not that kind of girl. This is an interesting kind of vampire we haven’t seen before!

NEXT: Stop listening in, Adilyn

At the Bellefleur house, Lafayette made Arlene a grease-filled breakfast to beat her hangover, and Andy denied Adilyn coffee because she isn’t even two weeks old. Ha. Lafayette applauding when Arlene finally took a bite of the bacon Andy had tried to steal from her plate just reminded you what Nelsan Ellis is able to do with what little they give him. Before Lafayette headed to Merlotte’s, he told them all about the life insurance policy he and Sookie had found in the safe deposit box. Adilyn heard Arlene’s thoughts when she blamed herself for glamouring Terry and Adilyn and her sisters for poking around his mind.

Sookie walked to Bill’s, and he explained how this would work: Warlow would accompany him to Vamp Camp and feed some of the vampires his blood so they could survive the ceiling opening. Bill gave Sookie his word that Warlow would live; he needs him alive since his blood hasn’t been synthesized yet. Sookie told Bill about Warlow’s ultimatum, and he didn’t really care. I wonder if he was extra cold because Eric’s words had gotten to him. She stormed off saying she’d phone Bill, aka a “motherf—in’ monster,” IF she decided to do this.

Sarah Newlin arrived at Vamp Camp wearing a badass white pantsuit and immediately learned that certain vamps were not drinking the Tru Blood. She asked if her ex-husband was among them. Why? He’d be the easiest to break. She had him running in a giant mouse wheel. It was scientifically impossible for him to be that slow, she said. Ha! Of course, Steve gave up James’ name as the person who told him not to drink the blood because it has Hep V in it the minute Sarah threatened to scorch him with UV light (which, it turns out, the room wasn’t even rigged for). She eventually had Steve and James brought into the circular white room. As Steve cried, Sarah gave the order for anyone else who doesn’t drink the blood to join them.

While Holly’s boys whisked Adilyn away to blow off steam and drink, Nicole’s mother was busy booking flights home. Only Sam told Nicole not to go because he loves her, and Nicole said she loves him and wants to stay. Sookie interrupted 23-year-old Nicole’s mother referring to Sam as “silver fox,” and Sam escaped that fight by taking Sookie into the office to talk. After they hugged over Terry’s death, Sookie showed Sam her ball of fairy light and explained that she doesn’t have to be special. She could throw that ball, not absorb it back into her, and stop being a vampire magnet. Why was she telling him this? Because part of her always thought they’d end up together. “Put your ball away,” Sam said, making it sound like she’d just dropped a robe and stood naked before him. He exploded at her. She’d always known how he felt about her, but she kept him in the wings while she went for more dangerous guys. Now her timing couldn’t be worse — he told her Nicole is pregnant. She said goodbye.

NEXT: Andy remains awesome

At the funeral home, Arlene, Andy, and Holly sat with Portia and Terry’s grandmother as the funeral director explained the service to them. The grandmother wanted a 21-gun salute by the marines. “Are you all out of your f—in’ minds?” Arlene asked, reminding them that Terry was shot to death and only enlisted because his family wouldn’t pay for college. Arlene excused herself, but not before telling grandma and Portia that they were burying a lie. God bless Andy. He said he was trying to decide whether it was going to be more uncomfortable for him to stay there or go outside with Arlene and Holly. He went outside.

Arlene said she wouldn’t take the insurance money and that she wanted Terry’s killer brought to justice, since she’s pretty sure she knows who it is. Andy said he’d track him down if she wanted him to, but he was hoping she wouldn’t. Like Holly said, Terry was a desperate man but he still thought about providing for Arlene and her kids. (Are they assuming the insurance company won’t launch its own investigation anyway considering how soon Terry was killed after purchasing the policy?) I love Andy for the way he held Arlene. And I love Arlene for the way she insisted there be carnations, because they’re happy, and that Rev. Daniels from the black church do the service because Terry always liked him. The Andy-Arlene-Holly group hug was perfect.

We knew Sookie had made her decision when she left Sam. She visited her parents’ graves, where she used to go for solace until she found out her father tried TWICE to kill her. She told them off. In short: “Death is just a f—ing pit stop on a road that keeps on going with no end in sight. So f— you, mom and dad. Screw your kisses, and your hugs, and your ‘Atta, girl’s. I’m gonna become the very thing that you hated so much you were willing to kill me over it. ‘Cause I’ll be damned if I’m gonna spend eternity lying by your f—in’ sides. I’d rather walk the earth as a corpse than spend another minute thinkin’ about you.”

Ms. Suzuki, the spokeswoman for Tru Blood, showed up at the factory demanding to see Gov. Burrell so she could tear into him for going back on his promise to remain a silent partner on the re-launch of her product. Turns out, the factory was a part of Vamp Camp. Sarah met Suzuki at the door connecting the two facilities and tried to feed her a line about businesswomen having to support each other in a male-dominated industry, but Suzuki knee’d her in the privates and shoved her way inside because she wanted to know what this “government employees only” facility was. She saw that something was being added to the Tru Blood, and since the corporation answers to the FDA, she went to inform her boss using her cell phone. Sarah came up behind her and tried to snap her neck, but she was too weak to do it. Instead of running back outside, which would have been the smart thing to do, Suzuki followed a door a scientist had just left ajar into the facility. She ran through the circular hallway yelling for help.

Sarah trailed after her, running in heels. Suzuki stopped when she saw a gay copulation study, and Sarah rammed her head into the glass. But Suzuki took her to the floor and kicked her in the gut. Suzuki ended up running onto the floor directly above male gen pop and getting her stiletto caught in the grated walkway. When she fell face-down, Sarah began to beat her head into the walkway, and the blood from her wounds eventually hit the floor. It was slurped up, and one vamp jumped up to attack her face. Sarah took off one of Suzuki’s stilettos and beat her in the head with it yelling “Die! Die” until she did. How very Single White Female. Or The Playboy Club. Sarah whimpered. “Thank you, Jesus,” she said. So those were happy tears that Jesus had allowed her to stop Suzuki.

NEXT: Sookie dresses for a funeral (or a wedding?)

At home, Sookie called Jason and left him a long voicemail. She told him about Terry and asked him where Niall is. She’s hoping to see Jason at Terry’s funeral. She said she’d save him a seat and that she loves him. Then, she phoned Bill and said to pick her up in an hour.

Meanwhile, Adilyn and one of Holly’s boys were about to have sex in the cemetery — romantic! — when Eric appeared. He glamoured the boys into forgetting they saw him or Adilyn. He felt bad about making the one forget that he’d gotten her shirt off. Ha. He told the boys to go home, and then he chased down Adilyn, who’d made a run for it. He drank from her.

While Sookie put on a short black lace dress and high heels that, let’s face it, were not suitable for busting into Vamp Camp or burying Terry, Tara made the mistake of saying that they should just let Violet drink the Tru Blood and then their Jason problem would be solved. Violet overheard Tara say Jason’s name and got into a fight with Pam, whose voice she recognized from earlier. Pam said the only reason she’d tried to interrupt Violet feeding on Jason was because Willa was hungry, too. Violet asked why Willa couldn’t just drink the Tru Blood. The scientists overhead that — and they all joined Steve and James. Jessica told them they’re all going to meet the sun in that room.

Andy is fast becoming the show’s best hugger. He embraced a sobbing Adilyn when he found her running on the road. She had fang marks on her neck, so he decided she’d been through enough and didn’t yell at her.

Sookie took hold of Bill’s hands at the cemetery, and he asked her why she’d changed her mind about helping. She said destiny is too big of a bitch to keep fighting. When they crossed over, she saw Warlow passed out. He’d been bitten in the neck. She asked who did this to him. He didn’t answer. But Bill did. “Eric,” he said.

Your turn. What did you think of the episode? Some questions!

Episode Recaps

True Blood, Anna Paquin, ... | In the season 3 finale, vampire Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) made Bill confess to Sookie — who can't read vampire minds — that he let her…
True Blood

Sookie, Bill, Eric, Lafayette, Sam and the other residents Bon Temps deal with vampires, werewolves, fairies, and shape-shifters—not to mention romance and drama

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